Fast-approaching of final days

The largest insurance empires, policy makers and their enforcers are about to be no more. The government and its subsidiary, the corporate business world, are this close to falling in the bottomless pit that they have been digging for its alleged victims.

One of God’s commandments is thou shall not steal, even when it is done cleverly.
No more will the government steal the first portion of another’s daily labour.

Unfair wages in return for one’s fruitful labour is purgatory
Thou shall have no other God: “Distracting people from their real and only source of lifetime guarantee to care for their needs is impersonation of God and that is sacrilege and God dishonours it.

Making civil laws to replace God's is a sin unto him and he will not have any more of this! Even to infringe on human rights and freedoms as outlined by the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedom for all Canadians is disobedience to God's command to " Do unto others as you would like to have done unto you". These civil laws are really disclaimers, cunningly put in place, to exempt the real culprits of the crime from being accountable for their charges. God is a just God and he sees and knows all things.

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! All People are inheritors of God’s Kingdom.

Here’s the truth
God is not asleep; the day is coming when those who sowed in tears and toil reap God’s pay and weeping and grinding of teeth of the wicked.

Micah 6: 9-14 proclaims what he has in store for the oppressor:
“ It is wise to fear the Lord. He calls out the city. “Listen, you people who assemble in the city! In the houses of evil people are treasures which they got dishonestly. They use false measures, a thing that I hate. How can I forgive those who use false scales and weights? Your rich people exploit the poor, and all of you are liars. So I have already begun your ruin and destruction because of your sins. You will eat, but not be satisfied-in fact you will still be hungry. You will carry things off, but you will not be able to save them; anything you so save I will destroy in war you will sow grain but you will not harvest the crop. You will press oil from olives but will never get to use it. You will make wine but never drink it.”

Micah 7:8-10 proclaims what he has in store for the oppressed:
Our enemies have no reason to gloat over us. We have fallen, but we will rise again. We are in darkens now, but the Lord will give us light. We have sinned against the Lord, so now we must endure his anger for a while. But in the end he will defend us and right the wrong that have been done to us. He will bring us out to the light; we will live to see him save us. Then our enemies will see this and be disgraced- the same enemies who taunted us by asking, “ Where is the Lord your God?” We will see them defeated, trampled down like mud in the streets.

Habakkuk complained to the Lord and this is what the Lord replied: “I am going to do something that you will not believe when you hear about it. Habakkuk 1: 5b

Later on when he again complained to God; God replied to him: “Write down clearly on tablets what I revealed to you, so it can be read at a glance. Put it in writing because it is not yet time to come true. But the time is coming quickly, and what I show you will come true. It may seem slow in coming, but wait for it; it will certainly take place, and it will not be delayed. And this is the message: ‘Those who are evil will not survive, but those who are righteous will live because they are faithful to God.’” Habakkuk 2:2-4

The great day of the Lord is near- very near and coming fast! That day will be bitter, for even the bravest soldiers will cry out in despair! Zephaniah 1: 14. “The Lord will reduce the gods of the earth to nothing, and then every nation will worship him, each in its own land. Zephaniah 2: 11
Scipture verses cited from: The Good News Bible the American Bible Society, New York, New York

Personal Growth

The more I tried to imagine God, the more I confined her to time and space and God cannot be contained. So how do I describe his or comprehend his image. I felt that the best way was to start by knowing myself. That required me to spend time quality time with myself, all of myself. Isn’t that what is required of me before I know anyone else? Even more so isn't that what I expect someone to do for himself before we can truly enjoy intimacy? I think it is jolly well the same with God.

What a task it was to know who I am. I no longer want to be defined by another’s idea of who I should be. Challenging the false notion of who I am and its disquieting comfort of its familiarity meant giving up the dread of ‘what if” when I give up its security. That was a wrestling match that I thought would never ease. The risk this holy struggle involved came with a price tag that is worth my ultimate reward- inner freedom and a peace that no amount of temporal wealth can purchase and a lesson I shall not forget-God doesn’t allow anyone to write the script of another’s life.

Now that I can identify with God, I can stop running away from myself and instead romance with my newfound lover… my self. . I no longer spend all my time constructing God. Instead, I enjoy an intimate relationship with God. Phew! I thought that was a farfetched goal but it was just a matter of time.

Social Spankings

The more I look around the more I see the fingerprints of long-term damaging side effects of a crime that is supposedly plastered on parenting. I am not in anyway saying or implying that neglect and punishment of children, or anyone for that matter, is warranted. I am a firm believes of discipline-not punishment.

The TTC advertising the Ministry of Health posters is putting the truth aside for a few political dollars. What’ up with that?

I have been mauling over the source of the cycle of violence in today’s standard of living and I am inundated with reasons. I continue to work towards the best solution that I know is very possible and feasible to end the blaming game that the misinformation which social policy implants in the their guidelines, mission statements and advertisements that are no more helpful than a sign that leads one astray or a forty page disclaimer.

The truth behind the DSMIV… DSMIV amended

Ever allowed yourself to be not so busy being busy so you can have time to really examine the DSMIV?

If your answer to this not trick question is, " what is she talking about", well it worked! The devil’s missile is what the DSMIV is...a weapon that is cleverly hidden in a medical scabbard. It is designed to work along side the laws designed by those in political, corporate, and religious power. The good news is that once it is seen for what it really is, it can be used for bringing out the pre-eminent in us.

It’s targets are those who with mental disorders. Yah right! That is what they want the ones a quest to reclaim their authentic self which got lost in the tangles of giving in to soul eaters, to buy into. But we are smarter than that… way too intelligent! And that is why they are trying to weed us out lest we expose them for what they really are… the devils’ advocates.
Instead of facing their monster they want others to join their clan to save them from their wretchedness. Their vicious cycle of greed and jealousy of us who dare face our truth… that we are more than what we allow ourselves to be fooled into thinking. Isn’t that the very qualities that tossed Lucifer into his darkness, his hell?

The aim of the destroyers who created this DSMIV is to make us believe that we are nuts and reinforce that belief by saying that we are permanently stuck (with them). This is what ultimately leads to suicide as the only way out, that is, unless you comply with their demands and wishes. . These same murderers (not necessarily, the killers) provoke the thoughts of suicide by convincing us to manifest their facts. That was the devil’s technique when he realized that Jesus was about to finish him up, remember?

Read on!

To know your power is to know God and that terrorizes the ones who sold their birthright. It is not too late to reclaim it though, but this is going to take a lot of wrestling with the evilness that coveted and quenched the zeal for holiness.

Once I thought this through, I lost it! I really lost it! That’s when I saw my self, staring back at me. That’s when I came in touch with my holiness. That was so ecstatic, it scared the living darkness out of me and the sleeper awoke. My wondering self stopped wandering and almost seven years after this book of judgement was used to finish me off, it accomplished the very opposite. This is no testimony of my grandiose and conversely this is just what it is. I am one with my most true being and I have every right to acclaim and proclaim this truth without fear or shame. Hallelujah!
For those of us who overcame the war waged against our soul, it’s time that we all reclaim the term crazy, whacko, lunatics and whatever else they call champion us on to help those who are willing to help themselves. And so it is!

source figures

Very saucy

I have spent so many years working on identifying the origin of the source that supplied me with evidence that warranted my thinking invalid.

I never really felt enough close family bonding to attach to the ingrained beliefs. Somehow I mistakenly felt this was the source responsible for attending to my God-bestowed endowment. Talk about baffled. To say the least, I could not make any sense of the nonsense that swirled in my mind.

I have to say that the baby did not go out with the bath water. Had they not provided the opportunity to be sceptical about a God who one minute was pleased with me, and in another is ready to strike me down- a God who would never forsake me was about to punish me and even finish me off, I would have stop thinking and ended up in an asylum waiting for that fateful day. I by-passed them and lashed out directly to this God and years later I have to admit it was a case of misidentity. I was attacking the wrong God! The quiet debate waged havoc.

Daydreaming became a creative tactic method of thinking for myself. In so doing, no one could assault what was really going on in my mind, or was it my heart or soul, perhaps all of the above. Anyway, after many sleepy days and mind-boggling nights with the zombie and much deep questions that erupted in my skull, I recognized the source. It was years of brainwashing religion and legalism. Ironically, the source that was supposedly responsible for taking me straight to God, heaven, or if all else fails, Purgatory or maybe straight to hell. Often enough God and the devil seem one and the same. It is very frightening to even begin to imagine the damage that this organized cult is doing. So who would have suspect or how many dare question God’s authority! It will take a lot of convincing and a lot of inner conflict and some may rather die than to risk reclaiming themselves. But there are those who at great cost, take on the necessary action to see the powerless as just that… coward liars and false prophets.

I had to see this for myself, and is it any wonder so many people dread facing their inner essence? Daring to embrace and truly find God is made to seem like too much hard work and to some extent, a ridicule.

I am glad that he knows my heart and so happy that I risk having the many fights that I had with Omnipotence. I am not supposed to question God, the God who endowed me with a trailer load of question to satisfy my curiosity and immense my wonder is threatening to deprive me the choice of safely fuelling soul. And to imagine that I almost gave that up. Oh my!

I often consider the church’s role in all the autoimmune and incurable diseases that seem to be purgatory even before death. Think of it… the body is wasting away even before life is no more. And the other systematically constructed soul wrenchers- the collective government, fails to recognize that when God gave them authority he never told them that he demoted himself to them or made his Law echoed in Matthew 7:12 “Treat others as you would love to be treated”, obsolete. One is demanding ten percent of what’s left after the other have taken first cut, even before God had a chance to bless and increase our harvest. As if that is not enough they have the share holding powers of the drug companies and so many little murders go on as a result. In the last few decades it has escalated to secret genocides of the masses in ways too unspeakable to fathom. I look at all these things and I think “ this devil- cunning as the one who fed the apple to Eve.

It is so crucial that individuals begin to realize the real culprits that cause havocs is their lack of self-responsibility to think for themselves. The more we rely on others truth, the more gullible we make ourselves as we throw our power to these source figures. It’s like doing just what Matthew 7 verse 6 warns us not to do: “Give not that which is holy unto dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”

God has not made any mistake in placing these stumps on our path and it is not to intimidate us but rather they are the catalyst to empower ourselves. All these dogmas, doctrines and in the case of the government their legal statutes are designed to manipulate Gods’ plan and an attempt to break mankind and rob us of the right to think, question and exercise our God-given human rights to freedom and to trap us into blaming God for our helplessness. Remember how the serpent got Adam and Eve? Compliance is a strategic ploy to deceive one into assuming loyalty, obedience and allegiance to gods instead of God. By complying with human laws and heresy, one is in effect, giving up choice to life and human rights in exchange for a life of fear and torture of manmade hell … go figure!

Today’s headline- a remake of yesterday’s news!

Re-enactments of everyday events seem to be the daily specials served by the media.

Believing what is written in black and white have many times made me want to render myself helpless and frustrated yet it also can and does encourage me to see beyond what is served by the media and its cohorts- the government.

For instance there is supposedly only so much resources and help to assist people to live a wholesome life…. Really! Then why are so many citizens and taxpayers falling through the social safety net and plunge to the vault of despair, because of some guideline that makes them ineligible for the very service that is in place to help them better themselves and not be a strain on the system.

This social system is something else or rather the way the macrosytem designed it’s legislation really proves their true intention… to make the system not work or not work as effective practically as the theoretical the act outlines. In other words justice/fairness to all is not the goal.

And the media take great pleasure in reinforcing the state of fear and panic by directing the focus on what's seem to be wrong and the supposing causes! Then and again, I should not be too surprised in the way the events of life are reported because the government has the majority holding of the media and the wealthy hold most of what is left. The minority, which conversely is the majority of Canadians are left to recycle the trash.Go Figure!

So I continue to practise reading and listening to the same old news with fresh perception and then I continue to glide through life’s storms- peacefully.

Purgatory

Purgatory

As long as the ministry that represents internal and external affairs take pleasure in initiating the trance of conditioning the mind and body, purgatory seem real, very really scare that weakens the spirit of loving, power and sound reasoning- endowment from God-II Timothy: 7

The hypnosis used to bind the mind and body can never last forever and so, purgatory and striving hold unto force only in the absence of spirit’s power- freeing one’s self from this cooperative corporation restores equilibrium of mind, body, spirit and, heaven and hell serves their rightful purpose on earth.

Fear purgatory-invite its illusionist to run the show and create and wreak havoc
Fear God-invite its truth to run the show and restore purposeful living

It’s like choosing to trade sorrow for joy; slavery for liberty; existing for dying; trappings and belongings for the fruits of the spirit, allowing it to tame the mind and itself becomes widely available upon OmniGod cue…

Seeing with fresh eyes

Being blind to the benefits of everyday trials was the worst tragedy I have experienced. I missed many leads on ways to be my best and teaching aids that were meant to assist me with my personal growth.

The choice of living life obliviously was hard work with no intrinsic reward much like pushing a truck up hill with its brake on. Avoiding the pain of embarking on attaining my full potential was a crime to my sanity.

Wait!

All’s not lost…I can not make up for lost time but going forward, I can make each moment fruitful. It requires lot of self-discipline and commitment to stick with it but the rewards so far are overwhelmingly greater than I can explain and I imagine that it can only keep getting better!

I did not begin with the best approach to self-determine behaviour but at least I did something to start the process and I have no desire to return to the “burying my head in the sand” mentality. I continue to plough along the road that leads to conscious living. I fall along the way, make no mistake about that but each time I fall I get back up as soon as possible. Sometimes I cry, I even grumble and wished for an easy way out. I often remind myself of the consequences of the easy way out- giving up on my zest for living my life, as I know I can. That was often enough to put me back on track.

The thing I have noticed it that the more I commit myself to the process the more painful the realities that confront me. Dealing with them is the only way out on the road less travelled. It can be a very solitary trek but it is a journey worth exploring!

The value of self-assessment

My desire to remain authentic is more important than to live up to a reputation that would gain me brownie points and acceptance that are way beyond reach or what God is concerned with.

That’s why I am so glad that the things that God looks at my inner self. Knowing and accepting that has really liberated me to believe in and remain true to myself. I do not have to put on any performance for God or for those who respect and or accept who I am without placing any criteria. That is worth living for!

" It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you, but if you trust the Lord, you are safe."
Proverbs 29: 25- The Good News Bible

A fresh wave of holy fear

Shuddering in the wave of facing people and situations that appear to be bigger than me used to be, for a very long time, first reaction.

I used to feel so crippled at the thought of daring myself to take a good look at the source of fear to see if it were even real. So many shadows have scared me to near death and that caused me to hide my courage and the size of the fight in me.

In the last few years that had begun to change.

At first when I used to talk about my distress and discuss ways to resolve what was causing it, I came across very wild and primitive. What was supposed to be an amicable dialogue turned out into what seemed to be a ferocious attack. Where did that come from? I was so scared of myself that I had vowed to never again express myself or to address issues or engage in any disputes or stand up for something that I strongly believed.

I spent many years praying to never have any confrontation or be in any predicament where I have to speak up. It was as though God did not understand what I was saying. The opportunities to do just what I was praying not to ever have to do just kept aiming at me like darts. The result... I almost ran into hiding from myself. That ultimately led to unattended needs, missed lessons, stunted personal growth and a build up of toxic emotions.

Until one day a holy fear awakened in me- the condition was diagnosed as bipolar/manic depression and shizophrenia. I have come to the point of accepting that there was inner conflict that waged a war from within and caused it to spill without. I rebuffed what medical experts tried to make me believe. Eventually I refused their diagnosis and treatment after spending much time with God analyzing what was really going on inside me. I did so until I finally understood his definition of mental illness- God’s diagnosis of lack of self-love, self-acceptance, self-respect,self esteem and self-determination.

Today, in spite of the nervousness of being misunderstood, I state what I feel, need and want. Am I glad that I never gave up after the first attempt of expressing myself!

Another gift redeveloped from all that. Decades ago I was at a point in my life when I had stopped talking. Thanks to pen and paper I began writing what I was afraid to say as well as what I was feeling. Now I have a collection of poems that unfolded from those moments of solitude.

Today, I know that the only fear that is exceptional and normal is the fear of God and that kind of fear does not mean to be afraid of. God expects us to experience a holy fear. He expects us to reverence him, not be afraid of him. That wave of holy fear has brought about a whole new dynamism in my authenticity with God and myself.
And that is all that matters!

My first poetry reading opportunity

This is only a glimpse of what God can do with my ouchy moments. As Ecclesiastes proclaimed, “ there’s a time for everything”. Today I attended my first The Ontario Poetry Society poetry event and reading at which time I shared three of my poems with fellow poets. As a TOPS member, I was invited to join one of the branches within TOPS which meet monthly for poetry reading and critiquing as well as discussing opportunities to publish chapbook as a group.

I look forward to presenting my work to the group and to the world!

Upcoming Poetry Fest

Reading my poems at a formal event is a dream come true.

The butterflies keep reminding me of the nervousness but the excitement continues to keep apprehension into perspective. My loved ones are cheering me on and I can feel a surge of confidence each time I practise the ones I have chosen to read tomorrow.

This opportunity came through after a poetry submission opened to non-members of The Ontario Poetry Society. I was later contacted to become a member. I recognized this as the door to promote and ultimately market my production and so I graciously walked through it.

I know that this is the beginning of the continuation of the publishing process so I remain optimistic that it will manifest in God’s time.

One more lesson learnt

I continue the process of coming to terms with my inner turmoil and dealing with whatever is depleting my state of grace and tank of joy. I am at the point in life where I am resolving my inner conflict and its impact on my relationship with myself. I used to let what one person or a few persons think of me influence the quality of my relationships more so of my self respect. Many times I tried not to take what others said and or did personally, but the more I allowed myself to be taken for granted, the more I took myself for granted. Instead of talking to the person or persons about what I like or did not like, I found it easier to isolate myself in an attempt to hide the feeling of hurt and rejection and hoped that they figured it out. This created a vicious cycle and a sense of feeling abandoned.

I am now assessing the emotions that prompted me to feel so insecure in asking for what I want and need from another- be it as a friend, family, employer, colleague and everybody else, for that matter. This is causing me a lot of unnecessary stress. I wish that I had not let fear of rejection and of being alone cripple my confidence in myself. It is okay to be interdependent and it is okay for persons to not like me, love me, or care about my well-being but it is not okay to abandon myself and constantly feel at the mercy of proving myself worthy and loving and 'nice'. I am worthy! I will no longer allow myself to lose my self-respect.

Having others like me on their terms and condition is not worth my sanity and that is a high price to pay for love and acceptance. I cannot take it anymore! I cannot do this to myself anymore and I won't!

People are free to walk away if they do not like me for who I am, just as I am. I no longer intend to change things that I cannot change or control about what makes me, me to fit in or blend in! This is too mcuh work and it has taken its toll on my life and wholeness.

I have learned to love myself… that took much longer than I would care to admit but it is the truth. I am learning to be content with myself just as I am and that is good enough!

That was a lesson I had to learn and I choose to not put it off any longer, waiting for an easier way out, so going forward I will love myself unconditionally.

And so it is!

Another test of faith

Financial ruins have dwindled for months now, yet I continue to rise to the occasion of being alive. Today is not without hope even as I juggle the possibility of making it through balancing a budget with zero income. There is no sign of relief from the peril that threaten to suck me of every bit of optimism still I promise to look on the bright side of things- opportunities of making choices, learning lessons, letting go of what is not important and holding on to what matters, restoring characteristics, thus making me whole and complete.

Taking care of myself first has not come without a price, a price that seem to take its toll with each step I adventure to take on the journey of wholesome living. The rewards so far- mending of crushed heart and broken body and traumatized mind have been beyond a currency that cannot be developed in the mint.

My mind is not enjoying the metamorphosis and its resistance is more than I want to deal with right now. I vow to press on and continue to transform the self-defeating habits than entangle my confidence and assertiveness. Therefore, I am determined to remain courageous and to persevere until the day when the rainbow will not just be a promise but a fulfilled promise. I look forward to dancing into the light even in the darkest moments. In the meantime I press on!

The joy of knowing God

Getting to know God has been very rewarding. I cannot say that it was not without a lot of effort that He wooed me. I am happy that I finally surrendered because I gave up on hiding because I have exhausted my hiding places. There is nowhere I can hide that He would not find me so I quit the darting game.

When I began making steps to encountering God, I was not even sure what I should expect. I was so confused about what relationship with God should be like. I entertained the idea of what a God I want to be intimate with should be but it felt so far fetched that it was easier for me to dismiss the deep longing to know, trust and love God. I was in dire need for someone to love me and take care of me like the one He promised. Back then I felt that God’s standards were so high too high for me to bother with since I did not think I’d qualify to have Him as my Father, let alone my intimate friend.

In despair and vulnerability I told God off for making everything I want so far off my reach. Why do you do that? How more cruel can you be? Just dangling your love and blessings so high in the sky and calling it heaven- a place where I don’t even think I will get close to after I die. If I cannot measure up to anyone ‘s expectation how could I fathom to dream of getting a glance from you? So I had been mocking aimlessly about on this planet doing my things by trial and error and hit and miss. I figured that if you want me like I am desperate for you, you would chase me until you captured me- that was one of my most earnest darndest prayers although back then I stated it as more a challenge than a prayer.

A little while passed and nothing much happened to give me any sign that you were interested to take me up on my offer so I dismissed the remote chance that you would have given ear to my whining and resentful words. In a feat of disgust I screamed at you and then yelled for you in the same breath and there you were! Phew! What took you so long! I looked back at those times and I have no other explanation other than the fact that you had never stopped pursuing me.

At first I did not like you one bit because I expected things to be different. I expected everything I ask you to just come falling from heaven and that did not happen. No matter how nice I spoke to you I just seem to choose the wrong tone or pose when I presented myself to you.

In struggling to do everything right I was doing everything wrong or so it seemed. Of course, this was enough evidence to prove that I would amount to nothing as was foretold to me by the very caregivers who were to support my integrity that I am good, very,very good. For me that was a curse because it meant that God had certainly struck me off his list and oh how it ached my whole self to be reminded that God did not like me or love me.

I was a mistake.

I was never told that so explicitly but that is what my mind interpreted each time I got scolded and scorned, whipped and shamed for reasons I still do not know.

I don’t care to know now because I know God knows. But back then I felt like all I did was a turn off and like a game of snakes and ladders the ladders were beyond reach. You were just too hard to please, my Dear God. I translated to mean that you too, God were never be going to be satisfied with my efforts to earn you love. So I took off and wandered away from you and almost everyone else to find the real God. My search was so intense that I hardly did anything else. I felt like a cat chasing its tail so I gave up before I collapsed.

Well I do not have to remind you of my frustration of trying so hard to please you and everyone else. That was too much work for me to make it to heaven and I know that I did not want to be near the fire of hell especially if it is hotter than the fire that sizzled the guards who went to toss the three brothers in when they disobeyed the king. I tell you those disciples and followers had a real hard time eh! But they never gave up. I did not want to either but I also did not know what else you or anyone else wanted from me.

One thing was certain. In spite of all this, you created you and me, gave me my life to live on your terms but what were the terms? I cannot say that I get the big picture but I know this much- I know it is worth so much that you move heaven and earth to make sure that we never lose sight of each other. I let you win me back and I have not stopped letting you woo me since. Wow!

I am still baffled at your mystery and wonder. The day you removed the scale off my eyes will always be the best day of my life. I used to be so afraid of what you would find in my being and the risk of letting myself be so exposed to you. Yeah right…exposed to someone who knows every cell in my body! The one who formed me and knew me before I was born! My blood curdled when you touched me and breathed on me. That was years ago and you continue to draw me closer and closer each time I open up my life to you.

It was not easy but I savour every bit of the experience for when I found you, I found me and that in it self is priceless.

Thank you for letting me discover you for myself. No other way would have sufficed. Knowing that I am loveable, even though not believing at first, is what sprung me to life during my search for you and ultimately for myself. So I am doing what I can, knowing that you can perfect it to create heaven on earth.

The joy of being me

The more that I remain responsible for making choices and being accountable for the consequences of my decisions, the more I am in control of my attitude and how I feel and deal with challenges, my needs and my life. This has not been easy, and it certainly was frustrating to continue working on restoring my life to a state that God intends me to live. As challenging as it has been, the process has always been just what I needed to keep on aspiring on my goal of attaining optimal living- peace, even in the time of apprehension of doing and being. I know I used to always swamp my life by doing so much yet I used to accomplish very little and sometime, even zilch. I have come to terms with the negative feelings about my self, which this had contributed to and I want to continue to discipline myself so that I can enjoy even the most mundane activity and exercise that I need to accomplish. I continue to transform the mundane into the extraordinary. In so doing, foolish pride will not eat away the self-image that makes me pleasing to God and worthy to be the person He created me to be. Thank you to all who have been helping me towards reclaiming my dignity and authentic self.

There have been people in my life whose role and influence were not what I’d hope for it to be but nonetheless their presence and company very crucial on my journey. I think I missed a lot of lessons that they taught along the way because of my misguided perception, limited outlining of expectation in life, from life, and my poor self assessment and evaluation and lack of belief in myself and of my true worth. I just did not value any bit of my essence. It was a great blow to me. It was as though I told God off for creating me and carrying me thus far. That I must confess has been my most grievous sin. Throughout out these trials He remained determined to make me know and believe that He made no mistake in His plan. Today, even as I continue to unlearn old thoughts and ideas and beliefs about my self worth, and reprogramming/transform my mind, I can only say thank you God, for the courage, patience, determination and perseverance. God is feverishly and meticulously working to restore me to the original creature he designed me. Only He can accomplish such a task!

Some days I feel like the old way of doing things are out to escort me away from the road of personal growth and self-acceptance but I continue to tread on.

Setting goals has never been an issue. It was allowing myself to believe that I was not capable to fulfil them that constantly made them seem too big for me. In retrospect, I have to admit that it was because I fail to recognize my values; well not that I had ever set nay values or boundaries for that matter. I never allow myself to honestly and consciously entertain my heart’s desires. First they were things that I was absolutely sure would be my ticket to rot in hell if I even dare thought of them; like thinking for myself and saying no or yes when I want to, refusing to let another take advantage of me free will. I used to wonder why God would be so cruel to not want to make or have any choices. This was very unfair to put such passion for life, my life and all it boiled down to was life of servitude

I spent many days in dreadfulness that I would not live to amount to anything. Ironically this dread made me wake up about ten years and it has been waking up me up each day since. I am determined to embrace and love my life as the most precious gift God endowed me with.

Oh dear God, thank you for the wilderness, solitude and deep desires. Active participation in my life and well being are a must if I am to enjoy the benefit of healthy and wholesome living. God is helping me just that as I allow Him to guide my steps in His direction, not any wishy-washy tracks. Only then can I be fully be ready and available to assist others on their self-determination and personal growth journey. Thank you so much for revealing my darkest sin to me as well as my most cruel crime against you and against myself. I resolve to never again disrespect myself, disregard my worth in your eyes or violate my essence.

And so it is !

Healing power of tears!

Considering the meanings that have been assigned to crying, I have to admit that none of them describe the true healing quality of my tears!

Yes I have cried for reasons that were easier to disguise than to admit the truth behind my tears. I used to cry because I felt so helpless about how to deal with the pain inside. Pain I could not seem to be able to explain. I choked those tears a long time ago and with that also I buried my wounds. I fooled myself into thinking and believing that time would heal my brokenness, brokeness. Yes I survived but it was only after I began to attend to my wounds, that my life came alive. The process has been exhilarating but also very, very, trying. I am happy that I kept working towards healing my wounds instead of covering them with the band-aid of superwoman and rescue ranger.

Today is one of those days when the Well within me washed away a bit more of the residue from years of toxic emotion build up that has been ravaging my soul. Healing flows to my whole person and encourages me to not resist what I am feeling. Priceless are the tears that promote healing and personal growth and ultimately, restoring my essence.

Ode to my tangles

Thank you God for guiding my direction to walk on life’s path. I always knew that all the health issues were the means to my abundant blessings that money cannot buy: self love, self acceptance, forgiveness, courage, boldness, serenity and a peace that passes all understanding. Is it any wonder that my poems now reading them, some of them, years after I composed them are actually prayers and expressions of my deepest desires as I continue to discern what really is your life your purpose for creating me.

I came this close to abandoning myself and settle for a life of existence and almost gave up my passionate self and the fact that you have plans to prosper me or that you would use me as your disciple. my innermost being and all its senses reminded and assured me that you did not give me anyone else’s life, nor give my life to someone else. You gave me my very own and since you did, I figured that the longings in my heart were meant for me to fulfill and not buried. The thing is they are so big that only you can bring it through in me.

Everything, ouches and all, are what was necessary to take me where I need to be. The unknown was nothing more than my deepest desires disguise as the unfathomable treasure that went into hiding when I stopped living and enjoying the life you gave to me. I almost traded it for a life designed by illusions. The life I have always yearned to live was never imaginary or wishful thinking.
Well I have to ask for your forgiveness for underestimating your power at work in me and for your great love for me.

I know you alone can do what no other power can do. You are the specialist of things that seem most impossible to accomplish so I wait patiently for you do in me and for me that which I earnestly pray for…for starters, a sincere spirit, pure intentions, intimacy…

Thank you for removing the scales that covered my vision. There I thought that it was gone only to find that they were hidden from me. Now I understand why the strings that played on my heart still strummed even in the most trying times when I was at my wits end. That will explain why I kept clinging to the little spark that one day you will bring my aspiration to completion even when nothing made sense and I felt like I was kidding myself that you are on my side.

I am still not perfect nor do I want to kid myself that one day I will be and I am delighted that you never ask that of me nor expect it. That is enough to make me offer my life to you just as it is while I continue to be the best person I can be. Phew! What a relief to know that this is all you require of me or of any of your children for that matter.

Today I live to rejoice for all that I have been through. I remain aware that there are lot more challenges along the way as I continue to journey on this side of heaven. This requires courage, endurance, perseverance, patience, trust and many more qualities that I can have only by letting you restore my character in your Refiner’s Fire. That is why the only promise I can make to you is that when the stormy moments come upon me I will not run away from what you are doing in me, through me, and for me.

clusters of blossoms

the beauty of nature's agony or what seem like a reason for mourning summer is teaching me the joy of turbulence in balancing the trouble of mental adjustment.

Of course, the flowers and leaves seem to explode with more bountiful beauty now that they are swiftly fading back to from whence they came- since they only came in to full blown being using my 10 % to create 90% of me then it is natural to be 100% whatever I want them to become in the deep recess of my sanctum where all is being restored while I let Life take me back to places I need to be right here right now!

100 percent correct!

All the while my mind thought it was darting away from God’s flashlight it was actually hiding from its own brightness.

Wow! I never really lost my charm, or potency of my innate ability and that is more than hope from the wishing well or sighs of relief from making through survival sanctum. That is life itself breathing ad infinitum in every fibre of cell that makes up my being.

Who’s that in the mirror?

Who is this powerful creature that I see within when I look at the image it reflects on the outside?
It’s me! The real person that God created me to be! My self is reaching out to me- the authenticity that not just resembles the person I yearn to be… it is me.

Many, many years ago I allowed myself to be tamed by the world’s standards and expectations as outlined by family, church, society and of course the lawmakers. I complied myself into conformity. I traded my life of glory, power, love and wisdom for a mind of insanity, a restless life, and a person who was always in conflict within.

For longer than I would like to even admit, I lived a life, not as I wanted to, but instead gave up my power to think for myself and choose for myself. My value was reduced to what others embroidered and laced with their beliefs that were systematically constructed to extinguish who I really am. I stopped living. About ten years ago I decided that I had enough of this way of living. It was not comfortable, it was not purposeful, it was not productive and certainly it was not mine.

I began having crossfire in my soul. The war between what I ought to do and what I wanted to do waged a great battle that ended taking me where I never wanted to be or go. Back then I thought that this was the worst disgrace. I took out the veil of illusions and soon enough I recognized that was what needed to awaken the giant in me or rathr keep it awake and alive. I no longer refer to my episodes as nervous breakdown. I choose to call them bondage breaker and breakthrough moments because it was at those very instants that the prison doors flung open.

The best thing I have accomplished in my life so far is releasing my self of the entrapment of conformity and compliance. It took a lot of boldness, determination, love, and childlikeness to conquer my biggest fears. Conversely, it took all my biggest fears to make me lovingly embrace fear and strip it off its shadow. It was only after doing that I saw that beneath its forcefulness is gentleness of intention.

It takes a lot of courage to persevere. I accept that some days I am a gentle lamb and other days I am a roaring lion.

I remain determine to keep the giant alive and awake.

prayer and confession

Just when I had all the carefully chosen words for my prayer and request as good as it gets, I found myself rambunctiously arguing with God, asking Him all those forbidden questions and reminding Him of all the good things He promised that He didn’t follow through with yet. After all the time I spent formulating what to say, so much effort choosing the right word, the best time to pause, the impeccable tone and articulation as I rehearsed my visit with God and how well it would go and how impressed He would be with me for being such a polite, young lady with top of the line etiquette, this is what comes out of my mouth?

In what felt like a minute I had given Him an earful of complaints. I questioned His faithfulness to provide for all my cares when I give them to Him; what’s with so many lean years; where did I detour so badly that I couldn’t find my way back to Him and why he did not do a better job at looking for me or better yet preventing me from straying so far away from His direction. Oh the groaning got louder and louder and the tears poured as though from a giant gouge in the valley of my hearts and flowed down my cheeks.

Where’s the please, thank you very much, excuse me and that’s okay, sincerely, sorry and all those do’s and don’t when praying?

Am I even close to being anywhere you intend me to be? Am I even the person you designed when you created me. What’s the deal here, God?

Answer me already my mute friend. I promise to never run away from you again and I am at this point very tempted to tell you off even more and even thinking of running away from your presence forever without abandoning myself.

The amazing thing is that all this time God was weeping. I didn’t care to give Him a chance to explain. I did not even realized that he had borrowed my eyes and tears duct to relieve himself. I just scowled and continued ranting. He never tried to interrupt me either or remind me of all the nice things He knew I was grateful for- having a safe place to stay; food to eat; loved ones who care, the courage to be myself and the gift of another day to express my originalness. I had decided to lift remind him of all those who are facing daily battles with the business of living such as health, homelessness, and financial issues as well as those whose spiritual wells are dry.

In the end I interceded only after I had told Him exactly what was going on in my mind that influenced how I feel about myself. I know better than not to blame Him but since He knows exactly what is going to do with all my tangles, I inquire of Him, and command that He fill me in. I often think that if only He would give me a hint of what to expect and why, I would be satisfy with waitingin patiently and not be anxious. I know all too well that He does not work like that and He has good reason but I somehow feel better after I lay it on the line. It’s not like it was a surprise to Him in any way!

He came closer as though waiting for that moment. I knew that it was my turn to listen and listen attentively. After telling Him exactly how I felt, I would expect Him to just walk away or even worse he would whack me and knock me right out of His sight and then walk away without looking back. He did not! He picked me up, sat me on His lap and whispered, I forgive you, I love you and I knew this was coming. Thank you for being honest and telling me what bothers you. I know you do not understand me or my plan and that frightens you but be not afraid. What you see is not all that is.

I know that you are not convinced that this too will pass but it will and you will be very pleased with what I use you to do for me. Two hours later I was at peace with myself about my life's circumstances. I do not often bring myself to the point to pray like this but when I do, I seek, knock, and ask of God very fervently.

My heart aches as I watch you struggle to not grumble and I reach for you and encourage you to tell me exactly what hurts and what feels good. I created you and I know just how much you can take, so please do not allow yourself to be fooled to going beyond your breaking point. Even Jesus had breaking points and He ran to me for comfort. You are doing that, yet I feel that you sometimes take too long before you pour out your heart to me and those are the times that you hurt even more because you are not too sure what I will do or say to you, and that causes you too much anxiety.

Do not be afraid …reverence for me is all I ask of you. Let that encourage you and remember that I am not in the business of putting you down and I do not play games with what I have placed in your heart- your deepest desires have been placed there by me. Stop thinking of yourself as someone who just can’t get things right! That certainly is not how I reveal yourself to you so continue to reach out to who you are, my child.

Thank you dear God for the one on one time to meet with you just as I am; for listening to me and being so caring and attentive. You model attentive listening so fabulously that I am beginning to interrupt you less and less when it is my turn to listen and for this I say amen.

I am very happy that I can come to you knowing that you already know me and all my thoughts and intentions so continue to examine me and remove in me everything that is not of you. I know that is a big task for you have been working on my character for as long as I can remember. Was I that messed up? I can’t wait for others to see you in me and draw themselves to you. I know that will require me to be always listening to and obeying you so continue to be my strength for I know that you would not ask me to do anything that you did not prepare for.

Thank you for always being there, God. I don’t know much but I know that you love me very much!
Thank you, Nympha, for letting me in. I love you too much to let you go astray from me and that is why I cry when I see you so disconcerted. If only you knew that I hurt when you hurt you would trust that I am with you.

God’s School of Character Building

Open 24/7/265 and every four years one extra day is tacked on.

The training is very intense and the heat from the Refiner's Fire is out of this world and no! It’s not hell!

The curriculum is called life’s hard knocks

The exams are designed to test one’s attitude towards life on this side of heaven

The accolade of grades is called experience

Continuing education is a must

Graduation is best defined as death.

My emotional library

This is the storehouse of volumes of my life experiences- the character building records of my life- that will aid me to meet people where they are at in the moment that they need support.

That is the most consoling part of the process of my life- learning things first hand so that I can share with those who need compassion, empathy, truth and above all someone who has been there.

So many times I have argued with God about how will He ever be able to use me as one of His disciples. You see, I was not ever perfect and by the standards of this world I would never ever make it, not even remotely close, to pleasing God and that made me lash out at God for creating me.

Well talk about bargaining with Him to just give me a chance to prove to Him that He made a mistake when I was born. Was I wrong! I know because I asked him one night about ten years ago to not wake me up if he has nothing good for the life that He gave to me. I went to bed and for the first time I can say I slept very peacefully. That was not all, I woke up invigorated and I took this as the answer to my prayer, or rather the answer that He needed to give to me. Well He was not surprised at my challenging Him to open up to me because by then I had no desire to listen to anyone. I wanted to hear from Him as best as He knew what would make me believe that He is real. Now I know that He is!

I am beginning to understand why I want to be a source of hope and encouragement to the hurting. I still do not have all the answers and I do not expect to have them all either; but, I know what it feels like to be alone, afraid and helpless and that is all because I have been there.

So dear God, thank you for the stories of my life, so far. I know that you are not yet finished with me but in the meantime I can help even one person to see the good in them and to remind them that you care and encourage them to know that you are real.

The fingerprints of God

The last few months seem to have every visible sign that I was spinning my wheels into the ditch of despair. I tried hard to identify God's doing in all that peckmel and I had no other explanation other than that this time I needed to take matters into my own hands... because I needed answers and direction and I needed them now! Reluctantly, I dismissed this idea as I reminded myself of all those times that I had snatched back my plans from Him, either because he was just too slow or I could not understand or even begin to believe He could be doing this to prove His love for me. The next best thing I could think of doing was to pray all kinds of stupid prayers, I got to the point when I felt I was at my wits end and this is the time I really bellowed in case God had somehow fallen asleep while drafting His next move. He got and earful of bargaining pleas and lamentation and I am glad that He knows my heart's true cry in spite of all the scorning He received because His fingerprints began to become very clear. I am just glad that I had not snatched back my life from Him. I have come to the conclusion that the more challenging things get, the mightier His power in the outcome. How else could He defy human explanation, laws and prospects?

The funny thing is that this is not the first time that He has defeated my mental illusions yet each time I get so impatient with his timing... that I know is because I am still very human and forget too easily his promise to direct my paths when I commit my way to Him. One thing's for sure- I will never stop fearing (reverencing) Him as I stand in awe of what only He can do.

This body of mine

Well what do you know? Instead of offering or, to use their exact word, proposing return to work- modified duties, the offer is three weeks modified hours. Who are they kidding?

My physique has lovingly taught me a lesson I shall not soon forget- even though it may be wasting away, it must until its journey on earth is completed, be treated with dignity and respect and on these grounds I have chosen to listen to my body and not discount it for some humanly designed plan.

Broken as it may be, it is still worthy of being the temple of that houses my soul. This is more than enough reason to honour, cherish and treat it kindly.

It does not take lightly the abusive disregard for its ultimate/optimal wellness and function. It is mechanical but above all it is spiritual and just like a broken down equipment/machinery will conk out so too will the body's signal become dysfunction with improper care or maintenance.

Each body is unique, each course of treatment is designed by Doctor Me, and it will have no part of the 'hurry up and get fixed so I can go on with life' syndrome. In order to fully function as designed is must be treated in such a fashion that it can fulfill its purpose.

This is a lesson that I do not intend to ignore as long as I continue to journey on this side of heaven.

And so it is!

My Attributes

Well it was about time that I took a long, hard, honest and very admirable look at my god given attributes!

Too many times I dismissed what my gut told me about myself... after all these could not be describing me. Aha! What I have come to realize and accept is that the mind is such a traitor; it will keep you confined to its littleness and cheer on whenever I believed its nonsense. This morning, I decided to follow myself into the crevice of my soul and see what God had deposited there more than four decades ago and this is what was engraved on my heart. Now all I have to do graciously and gratefully accept the talents from God and put it to use I what little time I have left as a pilgrim on this side of heaven.

Only God can bestow such measure of priceless goodness without money, without strife; of course there is a time of testing and though His refiner's fire get too hot, it is still just at the right temperature to restore the soulful quality that He is working on. Life experiences continue to reshape my personality and purpose on earth... that is how tests are designed. Some are easy and some are so tough that no institution can come close to it, let alone match it. So thank you for the life lessons; they are the curriculum that prepares me for assignments that are so big that only you, dear God can determine and provide my qualifications.

Dear God, thank you for this divine moment of revelation. I choose to accept and believe the characteristics that you have endowed me with. So going forward, whenever I look in the mirror of the mind I will see and embrace this powerful creature that you created-me, Nympha Francis.

Staying Strong

Weaving the web of every day each with a style all its own encourages the lightness of spirit to brighten existence. Gratitude for every breath that makes its way in out and out in a timely manner boosts the innate engine to pump up aliveness of soul passion.

Gracefully, every cell dances with creation as I practise to love myself unconditionally by relaxing so life can catch up with me and slow down so universe can plug its lifeline in me.

Show is Over

Inventions are always an indication that God is not yet finished what it started. Manufacturing inventions that mimic God’s definition of invention started an era full of pestilence of confused mixture of ingredients to substitute the real thing. Thus was born the Bubonic plague when more made Earth wish it were still an ocean of water connected to the placenta of the Cosmos by vast land and sky. Instead of evolving Earth revolved its way into its pastfuture, tense as tension that divides ocean from horizon and now continues to be the midwife to help the renewing process. Thanks to esoteric patience universe makes psalm 103 a meaningful prediction that appeased the ancestors waiting in limboland for their new heaven.

Planets are arriving right on schedule to complete what God had supposedly already finished and all is well

Mountain Mover on duty

Well this morning's phone call was no accident; divine guidance is right on schedule. These last few days have been inviting me to be still and I found that quite challenging but managed to practise patience. At yesterdays' worship time at church the organist said that this next song will mean much more when sung during the times when it makes the least sense to utter praise and proceeded to announce the song –“Blessed be the name of the Lord”, I smiled. I remembered the second time I heard that song, last year October, I had almost choked on the words- "and when the darkness closes in still I will say blessed be the name of the Lord. Oh how I felt like God was putting me to the test and I resented that. This song has been part of the music worship three times in the last eight Sundays and each of those times it was when the going was the roughest in the last few months. In my mind I was going yes God I get it… I get the hint as I pumped my lungs to give that tune all that I got!

When I received the insurance company's decision to cease benefits, I flipped; okay God is that suppose to be fair? And what are you going to do about this when I know and you know that I am hardly able to do move around and I am expected to hobble to take care of someone’s profit... what kind of life is it that you have me partake in buddy?

I decided not to argue with Him because he knew all too well that this was coming. I chose to continue doing what I had been doing since the surgeon recommended me to return to work that I clearly could not yet return to. I am not there to blame, huff and puff or feel sorry myself, or hurt anyone or myself. I will file an appeal and continue to attend to my health and wellness; if that is all I do for myself on this side of heaven then there will be lots of rejoicing in eternity- that is what I did.

I will not say that it was easy as pie; I had never been this assertive in my life but better late than never. It was not too long before I came to terms with what all these events are teaching me- assertiveness. I also remember the saying that God will not do for me what he has empowered me to do for myself. So as nervous as I was about the outcome, I stood my ground.

In the meantime I requested to see a neurologist to check in on the improvement of the nerve and even after five months of therapy and choosing not to return to work, there is evidence of nerve irritation that makes my sciatic nerve vulnerable to injury. Knowing this was the reason for not feeling too helpless as I chose to apply for EI.

One week after doing so, the Insurance company representative called to inform me that the benefits were reinstated and will continue until September. Also the company is willing to review job duties and intend to request recommendations from my GP and the surgeon.
Well alleluia God!
One thing is clear in all this, evidence that I will never quite understand God but will always have reason to say thank you for what He is doing.

Revving it up

In an instant of clarity generational sludge caked in deep wounds and blockages vacate the brain at warp speed. Limbic, pituitary, amygdala and all the places where they had been hiding are recovering quite contentedly from what started as one fine day, one fine day.

Without wavering, Consciousness is reclaiming its power and God is breaking free from its shackles of solitary confinement. God is ready to reveal its new model of Genesis. This is how long it took God to evolve it new model of Creation. Working behind the scenes has its perks.

“A thousand years is like a puff of wind” is manifesting how God is eradicating the old model of Genesis. Alpha is pronouncing with reclaimed authority, “this is it! This is where the buck stops. It’s Omega Time! ”

The invisible rollercoastering makes Space Mountain a good place to practise living in the new Earth.

Voluntary death while alive

Each time the heart escorts the mind to the belly of the ocean; the crystals in the clouds, the depth of the universe and the house of the sun stars and moon so that the body can lay down its yoke the mind knows it can still choose to obey or sleep with its maker, keep busy planning its solo convention knowing that when the sleeper awakes or heart returns from its ventures and adventure gathering clues, news, views and reviews life presents it with significant substance from its source to create a day as plush as it can.

Also when it chooses to, it follows heart to develop a come what may day as together they convert and recreate the sands on the seashore into a relaxing recliner and allow the birds and breeze to approve its intentional resting in peace while the body is pruning, grooming, furnishing and energizing the mind’s garden so it can invent and create eternal moments- the stuff that life is made of in the here and now when life is, what is

Celebrate!

The intrinsic reward of taking care of myself is priceless and this is the attitude that keeps me going as I continue to keep the faith.

Today, the curtains were drawn on yet another semester of hard work, enlarged vision and grades to prove that I can accomplish anything that I set out to do to improve on my self.

Four months ago I wondered; “What did I put myself through!” six courses! I had not done this since high school and that was over twenty years ago and besides it was not so condensed or intense but somewhere deep inside me I knew I have what it takes to discipline myself as I put apprehension in perspective.

I am in the process of finding an agency for my 300 hours of placement for September 2006 and this in itself seem a bit challenging but I will trust the process for if this is what I need to be doing then this is what will happen, come what may.

Whatever I need to learn and wherever I need to be I entrust myself to listen to God’s guidance; in order to discern the still small voice, I need to be focussed yet open to the source of all possibility in spite of what may appear to be.

I am grateful for all the moments that have brought me to this point in my life, many small and big steps that enabled me to recognize and work towards my full potential. Being the person I know I can be and honouring all that I am require a lifelong commitment to remain true to myself and so I will renew this vow every day as I continue to celebrate my deepest desire.

Angels without wings

Oh how true it is that when God closes doors, He opens up windows and he sends angels to guide us and remind us of His love and care.

I have met many of those angels along the way and I know that many went unnoticed for I did not quite get it but now I experience the touch I know that there are indeed angels without wing, links of the chain and precious pieces of the puzzle!

Mustard Seed

Make hay while the sun shines and stop whining about being too hot, humid sticky and just squeeze the juice out of the lemon and stir the biggest glass of lemonade from all the tangles of life called lemons-you can do it if you quit quitting

No time for slumber. Not when I had enough rest and zeal to strike the iron while it is hot even though the tide is high. I am stepping along in faith and confidence that each step is taking me nearer to the end of this testing period. In spite of what seems, I continue to focus on what can be- what is always and readily availbale, now.

The more I depend on God the broader my vision and bigger my dreams. No more of that this is too big for me nonsense. I am tired of standing in the way of my full potential all because I look at the size of the mountain and totally ignore the mountain mover who is patiently waiting for me to look around and marvel at his power.

At the moment it feels like the light in the tunnel has dimmed but the eyes of my heart has never been brighter and focussed.

I remove full stop in my mind and increased the questions that stretch my imagination. The endless possibilities continue to expand and sure enough this lines up with the saying that the God is infinite, omnipotence, omnipresence, omniscience and nothing is impossible for Him to accomplish.

That’s something I have known for sometime but its seed had not yet taken root as firmly as I had hoped and so the need for evidence almost blinded me from what truly is. The opportunity to be who I am created to be is always present and it is my choice to not allow distractions to snatch me from my desires. The passion may fade but the desire is always there waiting for the moment to come ablaze. So I will continue to dream dreams that are no less than the ones that God has planted in my soul. If He put it there it is because I am the one He created to accomplish it and he would not give my role to anyone other than me.

Thank you Dear God for rekindling my passion to fulfil my heart’s deepest desire. I always knew that you did not make a mistake when you wrote my dreams on my heart…. Is it any wonder that I have been carrying them along even when I feared that mind tried so many times to convince me that you would take them away from me. I was at the point where I was becoming bitter with you because I believed that you handed me a script of a wasted life. It was then you woke me up and told me the truth. It took for a few hard knocks and almost ten years in the valley and deserted wild to tame me and convince me that no other person can take my place in your plan and no other person can take your place in my life. Now that I am convinced that you are directing my steps, even when the road seem bleak, I will take the steps. Thank you for being patient with me as I need to be with myself and others

Global reality

Bonded to bondage only continues to multiply and add to guilt and fear. A hero of self-sacrifice is a painful agony to perpetually endure while secretly yearning for something more… some freedom and inner peace to assuage the temporary insanity caused by the constant chatter of a mangled movie playing in the psychological theatre.

The cloud of certainty floats right along with clouds of uncertainty and like the converging of two circles- uncertainty and certainty meeting while gliding in the air to form a subset of one

Hard times, glad times rains new meaning on the poor of plenty and the plenty of poor while security poses with as many masks of poses of security.

Self-governing policy, safety and contentment become unfulfilled needs desperately wanting to become satisfied needs continue to moan and wane while desire and comfort relentlessly present superstitious security of pleasure and happiness

The era of cajoling and corralling civilization is making room for the growing generation of globalization and so boldly remove the pink coloured global prescription glasses and look God straight in the eye

No more tinted coloured glasses

Dear Holy Trinity

I am at a low mental state right now and though I know it will not last nor take me away from you I feel helpless right now. I feel like I have just have not accomplished much and I know this thought of failure is just trying to distract me from seeing the good that is. Being so financially broke is having such a blow to my faith right now that I feel that all my efforts to plan carefully and trust you to direct my path have not been successful, well that is what is seem like … this though is far from the truth. I know that in the last 17 months I have made a lot of self-empowering choices in spite of the hurdles in my physical ability. My spiritual and intellectual capabilities have been really anything but unfortunate.

Right now I still have no idea where the five hundred dollars is coming from so I can pay for August’s rent. Is that all there is to my life at this time- a hand to mouth existence, and why? What is this trying to teach me? I feel that it is so challenging to stay focussed on You when I have no evidence that is worthwhile in that I will get the message and lesson from these series of doors closing bang, bang, bang, badangbang.

Where is the right key to the door that leads to my prosperity? As much as I would hate to admit I want to ask you for the master key so I could see what you are doing behind the scenes. I don’t like the thought of working so hard and having no money to pay for my basic needs I am not asking for the moon here you know God, or is that the issue? Am I not asking for enough? .

I feel that all this uncertainty of financial need so unfair in a world where there are individuals with enough money to feed the third world and others having to depend on the scraps that fall off the dining table. I guess this is what Lazarus felt like eh? Boy when I tell you I am confused right now I am not kidding and I don’t intend to entertain the thought that this is a cruel joke to make me reject you or your caring but it is just a bit absurd right now. Why are you not doing something to ease the pain and the nervous tension or to stop that elevator from going down to the pit? Or have you already stopped it and waiting for me to get out. Am I the one to stop it because if that is the case I can’t seem to see the stop button in that elevator.

I suppose that is where I use the power that you gave me. I know jolly well that you will not do for me what I am able to do for myself. Is that one of those times where I can call my shots. Phew! It took me so long to figure that one out. You see what I mean by I do not always get your hints. In spite of all the good intentions things seem contrary to what I hoped from you at this time dear God. I tell you, I can tell how much I have resolved not to run my own show since I surrendered my desire to run away from you when the heat is on…. I still cannot stand the refining fire but my hope is that you would not do that out of spite but instead out of love. I wonder if it breaks your heart to have to allow all this to get to me…. I know you have plans to prosper me but when is that?

Well all my hurriedness will not speed up your process but I just want to set the record straight…. why are you so complicated? God of all possibilities, what is going on right now? My spirit is low and I am not going to polish this part- I do not like this cross. How can I stop this plague that is haunting my mind right now. My weakness is surfacing- I feel so messed up right now, I know that it is a sign that you are in control otherwise I would have crumbled already. Another indication that I am not running my own show! I find myself comparing you to the old description of you I had concocted. He loves me, he loves me not remember those days? I know that is not the real self that is talking when this idea tries to purge all my hope and trust in you. This contradiction is a sure sign that I need to hold on to you tight for dare life. The storm is raging. How much more before you move heaven and earth fro me. Have you stopped pursuing me or am I not pursuing enough… where is our love affair heading to oh God. I need to know. I know that it is a matter time before I look back and hindsight will go ah ha now this makes sense!

Refine me if you will but do not confound me because I don’t believe in defeat. I will stand my ground until this is over- no more am I a crumbling cookie who is afraid to ask for what she wants. Cinderella no longer lives in the cinders, remember the prince came to find her. I know you already found me but it seem to be taking you a lot of time to brush off the cinders. Then and again the prince had to do a lot shoe testing before he got the perfect fit for the perfect shoe. So you are preparing me for the perfect role and this is no picnic.

Now I understand the Psalmist’s lament and rejoicing in one song. I know just how they must have felt when they finish pouring their souls to you. This is better than any treat that money can buy. Whoever cooked up the myth that Christian living is happy go lucky was out to fool your people; I knew that was crap when I began having more thorns in my flesh than I’d expect to have and only when I read about you taking time off to rest and pray did your style begin to make sense. In this world it is called assertiveness.

One thing was always clear in your mind. You were about your Father’s business and no one else. Wow! Well I am about your business and no one else’s; that ought a make my yoke easy and my burden light. Right God? When? Oh patience how I need some more. I have decided that no one else could ever fool me into believing that they are your equal and convince me that it is okay to take your place in my life. I know that you want my undivided attention and I also know that I need your undivided assistance.

At first I was afraid of you or rather now I have got it right I was afraid of your wrath and would do any thing to stop you from hurting me; now I know that was just the enemies strategy to try to bridle my free will. Well no more of that, you created me to be wild and free and so it shall be. After all that is why you were betrayed and crucified and you did not even care to defend your self- you are too big for that! But wait, I remember you were also pleading with God to take away your cross but resigned that it was not as you wished but as God.

I suppose that is what I should be saying now eh! Wow! I am really getting a different perspective on this not that I am emptying my mind and washing my soul. It really is not good to keep what I feel inside especially when I know that you already know my thoughts ad struggles to be like you. Really, what does it profit me to gain the whole world at he expense of my soul? What satisfaction is there to work so hard and come home empty handed… and say my God, My God why are you so cruel? Total nonsense!

Now I know for sure that you did not make a mistake when you fashioned me. Thank you for your gift of power, love and sound mind. I am not the one who is or has ever been crazy. I am most normal. When you brought me to the desert it was to refuel me, not to be scorned and for this I give you the praise. Is it any wonder I picked myself up and dusted myself up… well you had to clean me up tough, right?

In the midst of so much clanging and banging you seem to have not a care in the chaos and I used to wonder why… It feels like time is running out to save the world yet you never hit the panic button… then and again nothing takes you by surprise. I always say I will act like you but that is until something really scare me and there goes my wings flapping and fluttering. I need the wings of an eagle so I can rise above the turbulence.

In spite of all the stormy waters, I am more than ever determined to care for my self- body, mind and soul and of course you know the financial too, not on my own for without you there is no promotion. No more self-punishment to gain unredeemable brownie points.

God is my provider and protector as I continue to live each day wild and pure.

You gave me well being but it is up to me to maintain it for only then I can be available to assist others on the journey of life and back to you.

Thank you for optimistic options

God's World

Something seems definitely not right with some of the people that's in it. Since we are all connected that in turns affects all the people in it. So as long as we as a whole do not aim to live in harmony it is gonna be a whole lot of tearing and breaking down of lives, morals and souls and this must stop. We must stop and think of what this deep desire really is- to love one another and accept the truth- we all own the land. Any other truth is a big lie and until we as a people recognize that God had given us power, love and sound minds to use for the good of all then we can kiss peace and unity good bye. God will not have no part of our world when his is so wonderfully inviting and peaceful...

Nothing is wrong with the world God made.

Character Building Challenges

I know that when God is busy at work mending, breaking, tearing down old ways and building, restoring and polishing me into who He needs me to be before He puts me where I need to be he means business. These past few weeks have felt like all He is doing is pounding away at my shell. I knew I could do with some tweaking but doe she eve need to plug along; I know He won't stop until all he can see in me is His Image.

That is why I moan and groan but refuse to give and run away from God's Beauty parlour. He is not just working on the outside, in fact He is not the least concerned about the physical, that is me wishing it were only there that I needed work. He is tugging away at layers and layers of dross that tarnished the spiritual condition of my heart. All this anger, resentment, dread of His wrath and turmoil sure left me tarnished. Am I ever glad that He could still recognize me as one of his disciples. Well consider the extent of the makeover so far, I am just happy that he did not refuse me, let alone call me a reject. I can only, at this point, imagine the part He has written for me in His plan.

I used to think that I was as good as I can get but Dear God, you know better and so I keep my promise to not run away from you anymore. I am just ever grateful that you know the intention of my heart all along and you very able to do the clean up. The longer I stayed away from you and the more I ran I got more and more in shape that only you can repair. That also meant the more work you have to do to bring me back to the person whom you designed even before I was conceived and for all this I thank you and praise. You are the Hero, My Hero and I will remain in your presence.

I have tried calling my shots but have been so far off the bulls' eye, the good thing is that you knew all this was going to happen and you made sure that they all led me back to you and no other. Now I begin to understand by what you mean when you said that you are a jealous God and you will not allow anyone to put you in second place to anyone or anything. Also, when you said that you will move heaven and earth for me, I finally know how much you really love me. No I love you, I love you not.... and in spite of all this you have never deprived me of my free will.

Emergence

Dealing with the toughest of wounds and long forgotten upheavals is life’s assistance to helping me reach a point of amicable closure with has been.

Tranquility is doing its part in dissolving the inner conflict. I continue to accept the responsibility of self restructuring and adapting to new functional ability most compatible to me.

And that is contributing positive progress and that improves my optimism.

Hello Breath

There I am peacefully sitting on a cumulus cloud as it transports me so I can unhurriedly admire and absorb the bountiful beauty while my cells continue to heal and regenerate. Mind recuperates. Soul proceeds with the rejuvenating resurrection of spirit

And, I am loving it all!

That treat is working wonders in removing the pain from the forefront of attention

!

Nature’s Narrators

The birds enchanting me with their innate musical ability makes waking up to ease my ouches a splendid kind of soreness. The physical pain may just be what Nature is using to serve the purpose of making me alert to accept the remedy of my feathered friends.

The sun’s warmth already making me aware of the dawn of a new day and the end of a night of spasm from healing nerves and hungry muscles made the gentle breeze a great comfort to help me adjust my woozy brain to partake and participate in this brand new concert of life.

The memory of flowers waiting to fragrance me on my way to assist my body to remember the joy and importance of mobility made me appreciate what I can continue to do to attend to myself.

The laughter of children prompted me to appreciate how rejuvenating the breath of oxygenated lungs can be to even the most sore soul.

The clouds strolling along the blue roof that holds the firmament from closing in and swallowing me reminds me that like them I am divinely guided and protected.

The tears that release the heaviness of my heart as I sometimes wonder why life situations feel like a cruel disciplinarian. If nothing else it forces me to be honest and admit that I am happy to be alive even though I ask God why all this pain

The yesteryears that roam to and fro in the room of the mind encourage me to let life filter the debris of trauma so I can focus and understand with clarity what really matters now.

And so I choose to continue assisting the body to reinstate its ability to heal itself to restore/ maintain its physical function.

Astute Approach

The built-in doctor and doctors of the gift of grace continue to cooperate with universe principles of wellness. I am making choices that support optimal outcomes to live each moment with dignified degrees of self respect, self love and self acceptance.

The clouds are currently coaching me to appreciate the meaning of graceful and for this I am grateful!

Nativity

Spring is a season that comes with more than sprouting of seeds and bulbs. To me, it is a messenger of manifesting the reality of fresh way of living.

What strike me even more are the trees merrily dancing and exercising their naked branches at the mere passing of winter. Already they are enthusiastic about their new outfits of leaves and flowers. What endurance! What magnanimity! What confidence! Models of resilience are all I witness the trees continue to display their faith in how life creates magic of birth.

Exactly how everything began so they can be readily available to work for creation and creator keeps me in awe of the infinite organizing intelligence of universe.

Transition Throve

When Life nudged me that moving along from the familiar that was stagnating the mind and putrefying the brain was its way of renewing me my body smiled, spirit gyrated, soul sang, mind groaned and brain leap with joy!

Heaven’s dance floor swung open and I fell…

In to

Deep….deep…deep


Sleep

Enough Already!

March 10, 2006

Woy Oh Yoy!

Each day of this last few weeks has been feeling like a decade of years.

Super speedy multitasking woman does not even dare consider a race with a crawling child and this is getting to my do-it-myself brain. Mind keeps hollering. Body insists on challenging me to slow down even more and that is beginning to knock the wind off enthusiasm

Buckling down, grinning and bear took their toll. God, in case you are unsure of my prayers or confused about my silent swearing and loud lauding or I still have not yet fully expressed myself well enough for you to accept, I am making myself abundantly clear right now.

This last few months have added up much too much anguish fumes in my tank of joy!”
Suffice to say right now I am at my wits end with the Angel of Transmutation