No more tinted coloured glasses

Dear Holy Trinity

I am at a low mental state right now and though I know it will not last nor take me away from you I feel helpless right now. I feel like I have just have not accomplished much and I know this thought of failure is just trying to distract me from seeing the good that is. Being so financially broke is having such a blow to my faith right now that I feel that all my efforts to plan carefully and trust you to direct my path have not been successful, well that is what is seem like … this though is far from the truth. I know that in the last 17 months I have made a lot of self-empowering choices in spite of the hurdles in my physical ability. My spiritual and intellectual capabilities have been really anything but unfortunate.

Right now I still have no idea where the five hundred dollars is coming from so I can pay for August’s rent. Is that all there is to my life at this time- a hand to mouth existence, and why? What is this trying to teach me? I feel that it is so challenging to stay focussed on You when I have no evidence that is worthwhile in that I will get the message and lesson from these series of doors closing bang, bang, bang, badangbang.

Where is the right key to the door that leads to my prosperity? As much as I would hate to admit I want to ask you for the master key so I could see what you are doing behind the scenes. I don’t like the thought of working so hard and having no money to pay for my basic needs I am not asking for the moon here you know God, or is that the issue? Am I not asking for enough? .

I feel that all this uncertainty of financial need so unfair in a world where there are individuals with enough money to feed the third world and others having to depend on the scraps that fall off the dining table. I guess this is what Lazarus felt like eh? Boy when I tell you I am confused right now I am not kidding and I don’t intend to entertain the thought that this is a cruel joke to make me reject you or your caring but it is just a bit absurd right now. Why are you not doing something to ease the pain and the nervous tension or to stop that elevator from going down to the pit? Or have you already stopped it and waiting for me to get out. Am I the one to stop it because if that is the case I can’t seem to see the stop button in that elevator.

I suppose that is where I use the power that you gave me. I know jolly well that you will not do for me what I am able to do for myself. Is that one of those times where I can call my shots. Phew! It took me so long to figure that one out. You see what I mean by I do not always get your hints. In spite of all the good intentions things seem contrary to what I hoped from you at this time dear God. I tell you, I can tell how much I have resolved not to run my own show since I surrendered my desire to run away from you when the heat is on…. I still cannot stand the refining fire but my hope is that you would not do that out of spite but instead out of love. I wonder if it breaks your heart to have to allow all this to get to me…. I know you have plans to prosper me but when is that?

Well all my hurriedness will not speed up your process but I just want to set the record straight…. why are you so complicated? God of all possibilities, what is going on right now? My spirit is low and I am not going to polish this part- I do not like this cross. How can I stop this plague that is haunting my mind right now. My weakness is surfacing- I feel so messed up right now, I know that it is a sign that you are in control otherwise I would have crumbled already. Another indication that I am not running my own show! I find myself comparing you to the old description of you I had concocted. He loves me, he loves me not remember those days? I know that is not the real self that is talking when this idea tries to purge all my hope and trust in you. This contradiction is a sure sign that I need to hold on to you tight for dare life. The storm is raging. How much more before you move heaven and earth fro me. Have you stopped pursuing me or am I not pursuing enough… where is our love affair heading to oh God. I need to know. I know that it is a matter time before I look back and hindsight will go ah ha now this makes sense!

Refine me if you will but do not confound me because I don’t believe in defeat. I will stand my ground until this is over- no more am I a crumbling cookie who is afraid to ask for what she wants. Cinderella no longer lives in the cinders, remember the prince came to find her. I know you already found me but it seem to be taking you a lot of time to brush off the cinders. Then and again the prince had to do a lot shoe testing before he got the perfect fit for the perfect shoe. So you are preparing me for the perfect role and this is no picnic.

Now I understand the Psalmist’s lament and rejoicing in one song. I know just how they must have felt when they finish pouring their souls to you. This is better than any treat that money can buy. Whoever cooked up the myth that Christian living is happy go lucky was out to fool your people; I knew that was crap when I began having more thorns in my flesh than I’d expect to have and only when I read about you taking time off to rest and pray did your style begin to make sense. In this world it is called assertiveness.

One thing was always clear in your mind. You were about your Father’s business and no one else. Wow! Well I am about your business and no one else’s; that ought a make my yoke easy and my burden light. Right God? When? Oh patience how I need some more. I have decided that no one else could ever fool me into believing that they are your equal and convince me that it is okay to take your place in my life. I know that you want my undivided attention and I also know that I need your undivided assistance.

At first I was afraid of you or rather now I have got it right I was afraid of your wrath and would do any thing to stop you from hurting me; now I know that was just the enemies strategy to try to bridle my free will. Well no more of that, you created me to be wild and free and so it shall be. After all that is why you were betrayed and crucified and you did not even care to defend your self- you are too big for that! But wait, I remember you were also pleading with God to take away your cross but resigned that it was not as you wished but as God.

I suppose that is what I should be saying now eh! Wow! I am really getting a different perspective on this not that I am emptying my mind and washing my soul. It really is not good to keep what I feel inside especially when I know that you already know my thoughts ad struggles to be like you. Really, what does it profit me to gain the whole world at he expense of my soul? What satisfaction is there to work so hard and come home empty handed… and say my God, My God why are you so cruel? Total nonsense!

Now I know for sure that you did not make a mistake when you fashioned me. Thank you for your gift of power, love and sound mind. I am not the one who is or has ever been crazy. I am most normal. When you brought me to the desert it was to refuel me, not to be scorned and for this I give you the praise. Is it any wonder I picked myself up and dusted myself up… well you had to clean me up tough, right?

In the midst of so much clanging and banging you seem to have not a care in the chaos and I used to wonder why… It feels like time is running out to save the world yet you never hit the panic button… then and again nothing takes you by surprise. I always say I will act like you but that is until something really scare me and there goes my wings flapping and fluttering. I need the wings of an eagle so I can rise above the turbulence.

In spite of all the stormy waters, I am more than ever determined to care for my self- body, mind and soul and of course you know the financial too, not on my own for without you there is no promotion. No more self-punishment to gain unredeemable brownie points.

God is my provider and protector as I continue to live each day wild and pure.

You gave me well being but it is up to me to maintain it for only then I can be available to assist others on the journey of life and back to you.

Thank you for optimistic options