The joy of being me

The more that I remain responsible for making choices and being accountable for the consequences of my decisions, the more I am in control of my attitude and how I feel and deal with challenges, my needs and my life. This has not been easy, and it certainly was frustrating to continue working on restoring my life to a state that God intends me to live. As challenging as it has been, the process has always been just what I needed to keep on aspiring on my goal of attaining optimal living- peace, even in the time of apprehension of doing and being. I know I used to always swamp my life by doing so much yet I used to accomplish very little and sometime, even zilch. I have come to terms with the negative feelings about my self, which this had contributed to and I want to continue to discipline myself so that I can enjoy even the most mundane activity and exercise that I need to accomplish. I continue to transform the mundane into the extraordinary. In so doing, foolish pride will not eat away the self-image that makes me pleasing to God and worthy to be the person He created me to be. Thank you to all who have been helping me towards reclaiming my dignity and authentic self.

There have been people in my life whose role and influence were not what I’d hope for it to be but nonetheless their presence and company very crucial on my journey. I think I missed a lot of lessons that they taught along the way because of my misguided perception, limited outlining of expectation in life, from life, and my poor self assessment and evaluation and lack of belief in myself and of my true worth. I just did not value any bit of my essence. It was a great blow to me. It was as though I told God off for creating me and carrying me thus far. That I must confess has been my most grievous sin. Throughout out these trials He remained determined to make me know and believe that He made no mistake in His plan. Today, even as I continue to unlearn old thoughts and ideas and beliefs about my self worth, and reprogramming/transform my mind, I can only say thank you God, for the courage, patience, determination and perseverance. God is feverishly and meticulously working to restore me to the original creature he designed me. Only He can accomplish such a task!

Some days I feel like the old way of doing things are out to escort me away from the road of personal growth and self-acceptance but I continue to tread on.

Setting goals has never been an issue. It was allowing myself to believe that I was not capable to fulfil them that constantly made them seem too big for me. In retrospect, I have to admit that it was because I fail to recognize my values; well not that I had ever set nay values or boundaries for that matter. I never allow myself to honestly and consciously entertain my heart’s desires. First they were things that I was absolutely sure would be my ticket to rot in hell if I even dare thought of them; like thinking for myself and saying no or yes when I want to, refusing to let another take advantage of me free will. I used to wonder why God would be so cruel to not want to make or have any choices. This was very unfair to put such passion for life, my life and all it boiled down to was life of servitude

I spent many days in dreadfulness that I would not live to amount to anything. Ironically this dread made me wake up about ten years and it has been waking up me up each day since. I am determined to embrace and love my life as the most precious gift God endowed me with.

Oh dear God, thank you for the wilderness, solitude and deep desires. Active participation in my life and well being are a must if I am to enjoy the benefit of healthy and wholesome living. God is helping me just that as I allow Him to guide my steps in His direction, not any wishy-washy tracks. Only then can I be fully be ready and available to assist others on their self-determination and personal growth journey. Thank you so much for revealing my darkest sin to me as well as my most cruel crime against you and against myself. I resolve to never again disrespect myself, disregard my worth in your eyes or violate my essence.

And so it is !