November 29, 2005
Patience...
... what would one do without the lesson of waiting... not idly waiting though.
It took four months before the fitness centre refunded me money that was withdrawn from my account after canceling membership.
I must say many times the duress of hounding these people for what is legally and rightfully mine left me wondering if it were worth it but in the same breath I would answer myself.. Yes it is and it is not because I would go to hell if I did not get it but the principle was too many times I let things roll by all because it requires to much effort to assert myself.
Well that more than getting the money back was biggest pay off... asserting myself.
According to Stevie Wonder..."big things a go on this year!" "tomorrows robin will sing and tomorrows blue jays will fly"
It took four months before the fitness centre refunded me money that was withdrawn from my account after canceling membership.
I must say many times the duress of hounding these people for what is legally and rightfully mine left me wondering if it were worth it but in the same breath I would answer myself.. Yes it is and it is not because I would go to hell if I did not get it but the principle was too many times I let things roll by all because it requires to much effort to assert myself.
Well that more than getting the money back was biggest pay off... asserting myself.
According to Stevie Wonder..."big things a go on this year!" "tomorrows robin will sing and tomorrows blue jays will fly"
November 25, 2005
Out with the old
They don’t even work anymore so why hold on?
Wishing things to go away
Pray for problems to just disappear
Avoid confrontation or what I am really feeling.
Counterproductive escape.
Taking the wrong turn of the fork in the road.
Picking up people’s shit and cleaning up after them
I redeem my anger and deal with the calcified expressions of love and care.
My coping skills have already been showing marked growth as it reveals who I am. Who I knew I am for so long yet continued to deny.
I have to go against the nay saying circle as well as the comfort zone for they are the biggest enemy of achievement.
It is time to take a sabbatical. It is either that or keep cleaning up other people’s crap for them and die. I choose to walk away so they can clean up their mess themselves or sit in it and I can deal with mine. The time has come when I say enough!
I used to think that doing so would make me a bad person; selfish and uncaring but that could not have been further than the truth. Too many times I thought I landed on others wrong and did everything I could to make them feel better; the thing is nothing I did was enough to make up for the bruises which I have to realize was not even my doing. No wonder I feared that it would take my very breath to save some people and that I resented. After all that is what Jesus is there for, not me and I admit that I cannot rescue anyone. I needed help to save my self if I were to survive and survive is not my idea of living anyway. Until I was ready to allow God do his work and ask him for his healing I would have continued to go through incomplete cycles of action- a pattern that can break dreams and even bury them alive if I do not honour myself.
I have to put this superwoman to rest for good and not my will to live and be all God created me to be. Now I know that God never asked me to save or rescue anyone; that is for him to do. I step out of the way and let him take care of them as he knows best how to. I now appreciate all the chaos that channelled me to this moment when I can restore order in my life.
This is so great!
I can live my own life now… no more distraction.
Wishing things to go away
Pray for problems to just disappear
Avoid confrontation or what I am really feeling.
Counterproductive escape.
Taking the wrong turn of the fork in the road.
Picking up people’s shit and cleaning up after them
I redeem my anger and deal with the calcified expressions of love and care.
My coping skills have already been showing marked growth as it reveals who I am. Who I knew I am for so long yet continued to deny.
I have to go against the nay saying circle as well as the comfort zone for they are the biggest enemy of achievement.
It is time to take a sabbatical. It is either that or keep cleaning up other people’s crap for them and die. I choose to walk away so they can clean up their mess themselves or sit in it and I can deal with mine. The time has come when I say enough!
I used to think that doing so would make me a bad person; selfish and uncaring but that could not have been further than the truth. Too many times I thought I landed on others wrong and did everything I could to make them feel better; the thing is nothing I did was enough to make up for the bruises which I have to realize was not even my doing. No wonder I feared that it would take my very breath to save some people and that I resented. After all that is what Jesus is there for, not me and I admit that I cannot rescue anyone. I needed help to save my self if I were to survive and survive is not my idea of living anyway. Until I was ready to allow God do his work and ask him for his healing I would have continued to go through incomplete cycles of action- a pattern that can break dreams and even bury them alive if I do not honour myself.
I have to put this superwoman to rest for good and not my will to live and be all God created me to be. Now I know that God never asked me to save or rescue anyone; that is for him to do. I step out of the way and let him take care of them as he knows best how to. I now appreciate all the chaos that channelled me to this moment when I can restore order in my life.
This is so great!
I can live my own life now… no more distraction.
November 22, 2005
Sweetness Salvation
Today was very restful.
I needed to cooperate with the Universe during what seem like a very intense internal integration and adjustment that made me feel tired.
Phew!
When I allow the fullness of light to beam, the darkness gets frightened and surprised to see me digging in my dungeon bravely to claim all my PhD Wisdom that had been deposited in the cells of memory where they accrued while waiting to be accessed on withdrawal day
Gifts of natural leadership exercised through roles of human mentoring and spirit teaching continue to harvest personal version of ascension into heaven and, psalm 23.
November 19, 2005
Perceived threat versus actual danger
When the mind is constantly fed a diet of panic and dreadful woes of death, fear literally zaps the zest of childlikeness trust of being in a safe world. The richer the fad diet the more epidemic the panic pandemic when news itself invites extreme terror to invade the mind. The brilliance of technology gone amok enhances images and surround sound to add to the effects of fright, gravity of sorrow, and need for reactivated trauma
I remember the freaking out frenzy of the Y2K alert of end of time and the irony of shoppers stocking up on food and emergency supplies. I suppose that would be necessary while waiting in line at St Peter’s layover enroute to the other side.
Meanwhile August 2004’s blackout waltzed in and there was no preparedness to herald its coming and what little food supply was available was near perished and emergency supply was inadequate to save lives relying on relief of air conditioning to avoid sweltering
I feel that less irrational fear and more prudence will save the day
I remember the freaking out frenzy of the Y2K alert of end of time and the irony of shoppers stocking up on food and emergency supplies. I suppose that would be necessary while waiting in line at St Peter’s layover enroute to the other side.
Meanwhile August 2004’s blackout waltzed in and there was no preparedness to herald its coming and what little food supply was available was near perished and emergency supply was inadequate to save lives relying on relief of air conditioning to avoid sweltering
I feel that less irrational fear and more prudence will save the day
November 18, 2005
Minding my P's and Q's
I don't know how much money and or services I have been bilked of but I can confidently say no more of that!
I do not take anything for granted or make light of being robbed. I have come to the realization and acceptance that scams are not an activity by illegal businesses but more so by the most renowned corporations.
I used to brush my gut feelings when I would call in with a billing inquiry and beat myself for not understanding this explanation of the bills and income statements and benefits plans and the tax man's information.
No wonder the disclaimers are getting longer and more complicated. No wonder they can boast of profit in the billions.
No more of this subtle robbers… enough of these little murders!
November 12, 2005
Insanely Normal
November 10, 2005
Happy Birthday
Another year crowned with many blessings
When doors and windows were opened wide
With occasions for holding on or letting go
And watching myself and others grow
T’was a year of great success you know
I am strengthened-
I welcome another year-
Of awareness.
Way To Go!
It is great to be alive
November 10, 2005
To celebrate this day
In a tremendous way
Birthday forty-one
Life is so much fun
I am having a ball
To celebrate it all
When doors and windows were opened wide
With occasions for holding on or letting go
And watching myself and others grow
T’was a year of great success you know
I am strengthened-
I welcome another year-
Of awareness.
Way To Go!
It is great to be alive
November 10, 2005
To celebrate this day
In a tremendous way
Birthday forty-one
Life is so much fun
I am having a ball
To celebrate it all
November 07, 2005
Half a loaf
Every drop of water added to the bucket brings it closer to overflowing... the bigger the bucket the longer it takes but when it reaches the brim it will be enough to make the drops look like the ocean.
I am glad that I proceeded to ask for help when I needed it and take it one step further in that I expected to receive it and I did!
Small as this $125.00 I received today may seem; it was more than enough to help cover my meals for a month.
I will never stop thanking God for those blessing... big but more especially the small ones that increase my faith and trust in knowing that all is well.
I am glad that I proceeded to ask for help when I needed it and take it one step further in that I expected to receive it and I did!
Small as this $125.00 I received today may seem; it was more than enough to help cover my meals for a month.
I will never stop thanking God for those blessing... big but more especially the small ones that increase my faith and trust in knowing that all is well.
November 04, 2005
Trust the process
Challenge is mankind best friend
Because it forces him to look for answers in places he never dreamt
Comfort is his worst one’s foe
For it stands in the way of finding all he needs to know
Thank God for conquering my fears. I am grateful that he’s bigger than them and I do not need to stay scared. I’ll do my best; then take a rest.
Right now I need a nap so I’ll go hit the sack.
Because it forces him to look for answers in places he never dreamt
Comfort is his worst one’s foe
For it stands in the way of finding all he needs to know
Thank God for conquering my fears. I am grateful that he’s bigger than them and I do not need to stay scared. I’ll do my best; then take a rest.
Right now I need a nap so I’ll go hit the sack.
October 28, 2005
My greatest longing
Living a happier and more meaningful life, more than anything else, is what I long for… something that money cannot buy.
I need courage, heavenly guidance and consistent assertiveness to accomplish my goal but it is very possible.
Every else will then follow…
So dear God, help me not to distrust you, others or myself in the process.
I need courage, heavenly guidance and consistent assertiveness to accomplish my goal but it is very possible.
Every else will then follow…
So dear God, help me not to distrust you, others or myself in the process.
October 27, 2005
Grasping at Straws
There are some stressors for which there may be several hypotheses and I am determined to find out the underlying cause for each challenge that is attempting to distract me from what really matters. The thing that should surprise me but doesn’t is that they all started as issues the size of a speck of dust… now they appear to be the size of Mount Everest.
The importance of nipping issues in the bud or grabbing the bull by the horns is so fundamental.
Some things don’t just simple go away, and that is what I have come to accept as the reason why these lessons keep resurfacing time and time again.
Is it any wonder that I keep making choices and decisions that appears to be the best only to have to beat myself up for making another mistake and worse, not being able to forgive myself and allow my mind to recover from the beating. One thing I notice is very consistent in most, if not all those booboos, is that money is involved.
This liquid asset called money …
It is there when I spend money to earn money; when I earn money that is not enough to spend, Being owed money or making offers of it before it actually gets to my pocket. That’s a biggie!
Unbalanced investments make learning a very expensive adventure in the area of choices, decsions and consequences.
So I commit with myself with th universe as the witness and therefore whatever it is I need to do is worth working on improving my monetary mangement skill.
God knows I do not want to spend the rest of my days dealing with withered ways of dealing with ups and eniz. I tell you, it may be a long while to go through every stinker and change what can be and drop what cannot be…
The Serenity Prayer sums it up very nicely.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change
Courage, to change the things that I can
Wisodm to know the difference”
The importance of nipping issues in the bud or grabbing the bull by the horns is so fundamental.
Some things don’t just simple go away, and that is what I have come to accept as the reason why these lessons keep resurfacing time and time again.
Is it any wonder that I keep making choices and decisions that appears to be the best only to have to beat myself up for making another mistake and worse, not being able to forgive myself and allow my mind to recover from the beating. One thing I notice is very consistent in most, if not all those booboos, is that money is involved.
This liquid asset called money …
It is there when I spend money to earn money; when I earn money that is not enough to spend, Being owed money or making offers of it before it actually gets to my pocket. That’s a biggie!
Unbalanced investments make learning a very expensive adventure in the area of choices, decsions and consequences.
So I commit with myself with th universe as the witness and therefore whatever it is I need to do is worth working on improving my monetary mangement skill.
God knows I do not want to spend the rest of my days dealing with withered ways of dealing with ups and eniz. I tell you, it may be a long while to go through every stinker and change what can be and drop what cannot be…
The Serenity Prayer sums it up very nicely.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change
Courage, to change the things that I can
Wisodm to know the difference”
October 26, 2005
Acknowledgement
Some days I say thank you all day. Other days all I say is o evay.
There are days I am determined to say come what may, this is somehow a better day. Even when I do not believe that is so, I say it anyway.
Mood yoyo from excitement to impatient groans of frustration to sighs of relief and lingering orgasmic bouts of laughter that transform themselves to tears. Other times my soul goes on fire from Que sera sera to what the hell is going on
There are days I ask the creator straight up, “Is that supposed to be a swing in the park or a roller coaster ride?”
There are days I am determined to say come what may, this is somehow a better day. Even when I do not believe that is so, I say it anyway.
Mood yoyo from excitement to impatient groans of frustration to sighs of relief and lingering orgasmic bouts of laughter that transform themselves to tears. Other times my soul goes on fire from Que sera sera to what the hell is going on
There are days I ask the creator straight up, “Is that supposed to be a swing in the park or a roller coaster ride?”
October 25, 2005
Another quiet storm
Last week’s storm has finally subsided and my mind is able to think as I listen to what that voice in the storm had to say.
It was not that I was trying to run away or procrastinate nor am I a lazy person or someone who is good at nothing. I just needed a time out and there’s no way my body was going to let me ignore that need. So it made sure that come what may I took a well-deserved break. I stopped resisting the need to stop and enjoy the moment and all its treasure; I relished what is right now and before I knew it the mental zombies vanished.
Phew!
It was not that I was trying to run away or procrastinate nor am I a lazy person or someone who is good at nothing. I just needed a time out and there’s no way my body was going to let me ignore that need. So it made sure that come what may I took a well-deserved break. I stopped resisting the need to stop and enjoy the moment and all its treasure; I relished what is right now and before I knew it the mental zombies vanished.
Phew!
October 23, 2005
Pause... breathe...
I am glad that I recognize my mood changes nad realness of what I am feelign and what my body tells me it is expereincing and I choose not to ignore it.
I cannot explain the fog of confusion that overcasted my mind but whatever it was, sure tested my patience, faith and endurance.
It got to the point that I thought I was toast... burnt toast.
Why is all this happening and why do I feel so helpless? Overwhelmed is more like.
Sometimes I wonder if and when will this state of mind stop injecting such doubt in my wellness and happiness.
Only God knows and can help me understand and more importantly go through and come out of this circumstance much stronger than I went in.
I know that the longest day has an end and the darkest night turns to day.
Whatever this is, sure brought me closer to the only one who is always available.
.
I cannot explain the fog of confusion that overcasted my mind but whatever it was, sure tested my patience, faith and endurance.
It got to the point that I thought I was toast... burnt toast.
Why is all this happening and why do I feel so helpless? Overwhelmed is more like.
Sometimes I wonder if and when will this state of mind stop injecting such doubt in my wellness and happiness.
Only God knows and can help me understand and more importantly go through and come out of this circumstance much stronger than I went in.
I know that the longest day has an end and the darkest night turns to day.
Whatever this is, sure brought me closer to the only one who is always available.
.
October 21, 2005
Basis of Being
October 20, 2005
Forgiveness
October 19, 2005
Better late than never
There came a point in time when working just to get by, having enough to eat and keep a roof over my head was not enough reason to miss out on doing what I enjoy and that stood in the way of my vocation in life... something that began bothering me as far back as I can remember but began to fester and gnaw my core in the last 12 months.
Even my phsysical frame was starting to talk to me in ways that I could not ignore; I know that had I listen to it years ago may not have meant that I would be able to afford a flight to space but I sure would have completed the diploma program and doing somethign I would n't not do just to hold down a job.
I am not crying over spilt milk; just accepting the part I contributed to having to settle for something that has absolutely no intrinsic or extrinsic reward.
As George Elliot said:
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."
That is just what I am putting into practise
and Confucius rings loud and clear:
" Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."
That is what Life is encouraging me to steadfastly practise
Even my phsysical frame was starting to talk to me in ways that I could not ignore; I know that had I listen to it years ago may not have meant that I would be able to afford a flight to space but I sure would have completed the diploma program and doing somethign I would n't not do just to hold down a job.
I am not crying over spilt milk; just accepting the part I contributed to having to settle for something that has absolutely no intrinsic or extrinsic reward.
As George Elliot said:
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."
That is just what I am putting into practise
and Confucius rings loud and clear:
" Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."
That is what Life is encouraging me to steadfastly practise
I recalled the feeling of void that filled my mind when I chose to obey life... it was then that Life began to make sense and soul began to enjoy being
October 18, 2005
Doing things with good intentions
I very much enjoy participating in the dance of creation, even though much of the times I have no clue what moves the universe has in mind or which tune is cued and for what reason. The unknown continues to sway me in motion with the rhythm of my soul for that is the guarantee of each heartbeat. The rest is up to the Divine!
October 17, 2005
My light bulb is working
The creaking and squeaking that has been going on these past few weeks made me realize how stagnant my brain had been all because I chose to settle or a life of routine and familiar. It wasn’t long before the mundane lifestyle almost sucked out my zest. I was losing all interest and my creative spark barely flickered.
The brain was in dormant mode way too long and the rude awakening was so strong that it almost went into shock. I remember venting my frustration prayer in which I ask God for tasks equal to my strength …
Let’s just say I have even more strength than I ever imagined. Then and again I should not be so surprise after all he is my strength!
The brain was in dormant mode way too long and the rude awakening was so strong that it almost went into shock. I remember venting my frustration prayer in which I ask God for tasks equal to my strength …
Let’s just say I have even more strength than I ever imagined. Then and again I should not be so surprise after all he is my strength!
October 16, 2005
Stay focussed
The best way to move ahead is to stay focussed on the task at hand and continue to be diligent.
That is what I tell myself each time I am tempted to throw in the towel on working towards completing the academic requirements for the diploma program. It seem like this is the best thing to do when the going gets rough but too many times I fell for that crap… not only is it a procrastinator impersonator that robs me of the progress that I desire to accomplish, it increases the fear of the not ever completing the courses that I need and taunt me about becoming a loser or being no brainer.
I am sick and tired of letting myself fall for this lie and blaming it for not being further along in my academic career and professional aptitude.
Well I have good news for it; no more am I letting the nervousness distract me from staying focussed and discipline.
I remain in tune with God and listen to and follow his guidance so that I do not get carried away from his plan. I need his wisdom more than the academic knowledge; without the discernment I will just spin my wheels and run around in circles. The end result of which is burn out, frustration and despair and God knows that I had enough of this result.
When I need a break I recognize that my mind and body request and comply; that is the only way to avoid burning the candle at both ends. So next time I feel overwhelmed I give myself permission to take a timeout instead of fussing myself to the point of over exhaustion. Experience has taught me all too well the consequences of extremes…
So I aim on keeping things balance.
That is what I tell myself each time I am tempted to throw in the towel on working towards completing the academic requirements for the diploma program. It seem like this is the best thing to do when the going gets rough but too many times I fell for that crap… not only is it a procrastinator impersonator that robs me of the progress that I desire to accomplish, it increases the fear of the not ever completing the courses that I need and taunt me about becoming a loser or being no brainer.
I am sick and tired of letting myself fall for this lie and blaming it for not being further along in my academic career and professional aptitude.
Well I have good news for it; no more am I letting the nervousness distract me from staying focussed and discipline.
I remain in tune with God and listen to and follow his guidance so that I do not get carried away from his plan. I need his wisdom more than the academic knowledge; without the discernment I will just spin my wheels and run around in circles. The end result of which is burn out, frustration and despair and God knows that I had enough of this result.
When I need a break I recognize that my mind and body request and comply; that is the only way to avoid burning the candle at both ends. So next time I feel overwhelmed I give myself permission to take a timeout instead of fussing myself to the point of over exhaustion. Experience has taught me all too well the consequences of extremes…
So I aim on keeping things balance.
October 15, 2005
Blistered Brain
What a week!
So much reading to contend with I am beginning to study in my sleep- more like nightmares, if you ask me!
How am I supposed to retain so much theory until my brain is warped from remembering everything that it has already release back to the logicians long before final exams?
My brain wants to continue knowing what it already knows for sure and know what it knows that it does not know or not yet knows that it needs to know..
Brain is at a point when it wants to invest its intelligence to practical academia without the testing of what life has freely instilled in it as part of its makeup.
Recapitulating its extensive experience that makes its vast reservoir of records useful application of data and wisdom for everyday existence is what brain wants to do to maintain its agility and I am all for this type of feeding it what it needs
Until then, I catch up on attaining academic credits for what life has already taught me firsthand without the accolades that one needs to qualify for a job.
So much reading to contend with I am beginning to study in my sleep- more like nightmares, if you ask me!
How am I supposed to retain so much theory until my brain is warped from remembering everything that it has already release back to the logicians long before final exams?
My brain wants to continue knowing what it already knows for sure and know what it knows that it does not know or not yet knows that it needs to know..
Brain is at a point when it wants to invest its intelligence to practical academia without the testing of what life has freely instilled in it as part of its makeup.
Recapitulating its extensive experience that makes its vast reservoir of records useful application of data and wisdom for everyday existence is what brain wants to do to maintain its agility and I am all for this type of feeding it what it needs
Until then, I catch up on attaining academic credits for what life has already taught me firsthand without the accolades that one needs to qualify for a job.
October 12, 2005
Busy be
I wasn't sure which would work best for me so I decided to try both methods of distant learning-. correspondence and online.
Two weeks into the correspondence course and I already know that going forward while I I still use academis to acquire knowledge my preference for distant learning is, online. For starters, it is more interactive and I have the added benefit of being in class on my own time without the taxing trip to a classrooom
Two weeks into the correspondence course and I already know that going forward while I I still use academis to acquire knowledge my preference for distant learning is, online. For starters, it is more interactive and I have the added benefit of being in class on my own time without the taxing trip to a classrooom
October 10, 2005
Hats off
Today is set aside to give Canadians time to count their blessings... I for one need more than a day but one day is okay because I have made it a daily habit to give thanks... granted some days the gratitude spills out more spontaneously than others.
Too many times too I focus on all the wonderful things so today is an ode to the things that I tend to take for granted or tempted to toss away; like the ones that come disguised as trouble and misery. The ones that make me forget the last time I laughed and reminded me of the importance of crying. The ones that force me to slow down and focus on the gift of healthy lungs and heart as well as an optimal functioning immune system. The brokenness that made me embrace my wholeness. those mountains that stood in my way only to realize later that were they not there I would have tumbled right into the valley deep pot holes and other times they were there because I had to climb them in order to build and tone my spiritual muscles. The many times when there were not a penny in my purse thus enabling me to recognize that I still had enough smiles and hugs to share; time and talent to assist another. For the things that frightened me and in so doing gave me reason to run to God and remain dependent on Him. For the errors that nodded me to pay attention to my affairs and keep on top of things. For all the tangles that brought me to moments of exhaltation. For what is yet to come and the reason why they will make their way to me... I say big shout out to you.
Too many times too I focus on all the wonderful things so today is an ode to the things that I tend to take for granted or tempted to toss away; like the ones that come disguised as trouble and misery. The ones that make me forget the last time I laughed and reminded me of the importance of crying. The ones that force me to slow down and focus on the gift of healthy lungs and heart as well as an optimal functioning immune system. The brokenness that made me embrace my wholeness. those mountains that stood in my way only to realize later that were they not there I would have tumbled right into the valley deep pot holes and other times they were there because I had to climb them in order to build and tone my spiritual muscles. The many times when there were not a penny in my purse thus enabling me to recognize that I still had enough smiles and hugs to share; time and talent to assist another. For the things that frightened me and in so doing gave me reason to run to God and remain dependent on Him. For the errors that nodded me to pay attention to my affairs and keep on top of things. For all the tangles that brought me to moments of exhaltation. For what is yet to come and the reason why they will make their way to me... I say big shout out to you.
October 09, 2005
Counting my blessings
It doesn't sound like a lot but name them one by one and you get high on an attitude of gratitude.
Some days it is easier to blurt out the praise and thanksgiving; other times it takes effort and there are circumstances when I raise an eyebrow with finger on chin wondering now what? thank you? or why me, why now? I have learnt that those are thank you moments too... infact they are the times when the thank you's really matter.
Seeing beyond the tangles will help to see the reason for counting those occasions as blessings.
Some days it is easier to blurt out the praise and thanksgiving; other times it takes effort and there are circumstances when I raise an eyebrow with finger on chin wondering now what? thank you? or why me, why now? I have learnt that those are thank you moments too... infact they are the times when the thank you's really matter.
Seeing beyond the tangles will help to see the reason for counting those occasions as blessings.
October 08, 2005
Build it
Every time I use this phrase I remember 'Field of Dreams'.
I have not yet come up with a better saying to ring as true so I quote it after each accomplishment...dream, if you will.
All it takes is a leap of faith here and there and trust the process to unfold; that does mean it will always display the exact vision that you saw or imagined but like missing piece of a puzzle it will fit in just the right spot when it is discovered.. the only one it was cut to fit in.
Though matter how long it takes, the hard work required and the motivation to keep the candle burning- not on both ends though, perseverance and patience are a big payoff. Some dreams start of with the word impossible but remove the im and this new word takes on a whole new meaning and takes you to a whole new world.
Never give up during practising your best shot... like Edision we may just need this thousandth ah-ha to see the light if you know what I mean!
Like Einstein the learning process may just be a bit slow... like Abraham we shall give birth to many miracles in our most senior days and for someone who flunked high school you may well be the next guru.
It is a matter of building it... not just wishing it!
I have not yet come up with a better saying to ring as true so I quote it after each accomplishment...dream, if you will.
All it takes is a leap of faith here and there and trust the process to unfold; that does mean it will always display the exact vision that you saw or imagined but like missing piece of a puzzle it will fit in just the right spot when it is discovered.. the only one it was cut to fit in.
Though matter how long it takes, the hard work required and the motivation to keep the candle burning- not on both ends though, perseverance and patience are a big payoff. Some dreams start of with the word impossible but remove the im and this new word takes on a whole new meaning and takes you to a whole new world.
Never give up during practising your best shot... like Edision we may just need this thousandth ah-ha to see the light if you know what I mean!
Like Einstein the learning process may just be a bit slow... like Abraham we shall give birth to many miracles in our most senior days and for someone who flunked high school you may well be the next guru.
It is a matter of building it... not just wishing it!
October 05, 2005
Hats off to summer in October
For my sake I would love to have this trend continue right through February but that would be wishful thinking and a wild dream.
Not that it hurts to ask for what may seem, sound or appear impossible.
Nature has a way of managing change and helping me to do the same... What a teacher! She does not minced her words although time to time she changes her mind or tries a different strategy without warning. Not even the experts can predict her temperament... Go figure!
Not that it hurts to ask for what may seem, sound or appear impossible.
Nature has a way of managing change and helping me to do the same... What a teacher! She does not minced her words although time to time she changes her mind or tries a different strategy without warning. Not even the experts can predict her temperament... Go figure!
The truth about feelings
Feelings are neither bad nor good and so expressing them is not a no-no, at least it should not have to be. On the contrary it very healthy to express exactly how I feel. It is not so much the feeling that is harmful or what provokes the feeling but how I choose to deal with the issue or let the circumstances dictate my emotions.
The more I suppress or rather try to suppress what I am really feeling the more mixed up that feeling gets with other emotions and more often than not, what I am expressing may not be what I am actually feeling. The pot-pourri of feelings is not as pleasant as the aroma from the blend of smells from scented leaves. It is so tangled that the confusion is obvious at the time of explosion or reaction. What was once mild and accepted become wild and primitive. I had to learn to pick my choice. In fact I am still working on dealing with things at the time and it is getting easier and easier as I work on those ancient and archived feeling... some of them were buried alive...yikes!
The more I suppress or rather try to suppress what I am really feeling the more mixed up that feeling gets with other emotions and more often than not, what I am expressing may not be what I am actually feeling. The pot-pourri of feelings is not as pleasant as the aroma from the blend of smells from scented leaves. It is so tangled that the confusion is obvious at the time of explosion or reaction. What was once mild and accepted become wild and primitive. I had to learn to pick my choice. In fact I am still working on dealing with things at the time and it is getting easier and easier as I work on those ancient and archived feeling... some of them were buried alive...yikes!
October 03, 2005
So much to do
October 02, 2005
WISIWYG
All I’ll ever have to give anyone is a part of me... something I can give only when I can give it to myself and still have enough to share and give away.
I entertain the thought of not ever having so little that I cannot share…
... of having enough love that the more I give the more wholeness is received and returned so if all I ever have to give is love, time and kindness then let me never fail to share.
I entertain the thought of not ever having so little that I cannot share…
... of having enough love that the more I give the more wholeness is received and returned so if all I ever have to give is love, time and kindness then let me never fail to share.
October 01, 2005
What a day!
I woke up this mornig a bit disturbed... I tried not to dwell on anything that gnaws at my core and drown my mood but this issue did a number on my peace... I recapture it before it got ruined but still!
Too many times I made choices that ended with painful consequences and some ended up burning a whole in my pocket.
Today's decision was yet another one. I am still a bit frustrated about the whole mess that consumed most of my day waiting on hold; getting upset and before doing what I felt was the best thing to do. It is going to cost me fifty five dollars but then and again I have my peace of mind and service that I can rely on.
There must be something that I needed to learn from all of this that I still hadn't learn or put into practise otherwise the events of this day would not have happened.
I know that doing what is best for me and not settling for less than I expect and drawing the line between saving a few dollars or spending a couple more for essential services is in my autmost interest, not to mention sense of wellbeing. Giving power to a service provider or anyone for that matter, at the expense of saying goodbye to my choices and my sanity is out of the question.
I should have listend to my intuition the weekend of the storm that happened two weeks after I switched phone service. I was without telephone service from Fiday afternoon until Sunday morning because of power failure. In fact that uneasy feeling had stirred some concern in me when I saw the tech with the box and asked him what it was for. He told me that is what was being used to provide the phone service.
I did not realized that it was not the same as the service provider that I swtiched from... I figured that the chances to be without power for any extended time would be very remote but I was wrong and the storm was more proof that I was taking a risk. It turned out that power failure was not the only cause for concern.
Was the risk worth the few dollars that I tried to save?
In the last three weeks the service has been very sporadic and even when I had some the reception was not the best. Still I kept bargaining with my self that it would be resolved and worth the savings.
Well that all changed when yesterday I woke up to make some business related calls. The phones were dead... it came back after say, at least four hours... that estimate is based on the calls I missed- long distance calls ... I was barely able to use the phone for three hours when the service cranked out again and stayed out all night and into the morning.
I had already made technical service inquiries via email, stating my concern. This was the first time that it took forever and so I hubbled over to the mall to contact the service provider. On hold for ever and an aching back. I was informed that the modem needed to be reset; all the other times the service came back on its own but today I was told to reset. I did not find that solution something that could resolve the recurring loss of service and did not wish to have anything serious happen before I came to my senses.
The thought of paying a reconnection fee to have service from the former provider made me almost dismiss that choice. Needless to say that I was caught between the rock and a hard place. When I made the request to have the service cancell then I am being offered the choice as what I was moments away from switiching to. I questioned my intention to cancel but by then I was so ticked that I made the choice to cancel.
The next time I am offered a service I will take the time to consider even more pros and cons -that goes beyond money... because I like savings but I love quality for my dollar.
It was reset and service was resumed... it won't be much longer before I have more reliable home phone service.
That's an expensive price for today's lesson but it will save me a lot of headache and stress.
And so it is!
Too many times I made choices that ended with painful consequences and some ended up burning a whole in my pocket.
Today's decision was yet another one. I am still a bit frustrated about the whole mess that consumed most of my day waiting on hold; getting upset and before doing what I felt was the best thing to do. It is going to cost me fifty five dollars but then and again I have my peace of mind and service that I can rely on.
There must be something that I needed to learn from all of this that I still hadn't learn or put into practise otherwise the events of this day would not have happened.
I know that doing what is best for me and not settling for less than I expect and drawing the line between saving a few dollars or spending a couple more for essential services is in my autmost interest, not to mention sense of wellbeing. Giving power to a service provider or anyone for that matter, at the expense of saying goodbye to my choices and my sanity is out of the question.
I should have listend to my intuition the weekend of the storm that happened two weeks after I switched phone service. I was without telephone service from Fiday afternoon until Sunday morning because of power failure. In fact that uneasy feeling had stirred some concern in me when I saw the tech with the box and asked him what it was for. He told me that is what was being used to provide the phone service.
I did not realized that it was not the same as the service provider that I swtiched from... I figured that the chances to be without power for any extended time would be very remote but I was wrong and the storm was more proof that I was taking a risk. It turned out that power failure was not the only cause for concern.
Was the risk worth the few dollars that I tried to save?
In the last three weeks the service has been very sporadic and even when I had some the reception was not the best. Still I kept bargaining with my self that it would be resolved and worth the savings.
Well that all changed when yesterday I woke up to make some business related calls. The phones were dead... it came back after say, at least four hours... that estimate is based on the calls I missed- long distance calls ... I was barely able to use the phone for three hours when the service cranked out again and stayed out all night and into the morning.
I had already made technical service inquiries via email, stating my concern. This was the first time that it took forever and so I hubbled over to the mall to contact the service provider. On hold for ever and an aching back. I was informed that the modem needed to be reset; all the other times the service came back on its own but today I was told to reset. I did not find that solution something that could resolve the recurring loss of service and did not wish to have anything serious happen before I came to my senses.
The thought of paying a reconnection fee to have service from the former provider made me almost dismiss that choice. Needless to say that I was caught between the rock and a hard place. When I made the request to have the service cancell then I am being offered the choice as what I was moments away from switiching to. I questioned my intention to cancel but by then I was so ticked that I made the choice to cancel.
The next time I am offered a service I will take the time to consider even more pros and cons -that goes beyond money... because I like savings but I love quality for my dollar.
It was reset and service was resumed... it won't be much longer before I have more reliable home phone service.
That's an expensive price for today's lesson but it will save me a lot of headache and stress.
And so it is!
September 30, 2005
Render unto Ceasar
I got a call this afternoon.
It was the Human Resources Benefits administrator at work calling to inform me that the three day pay issued to me while waiting for the insurance company to kick in has to be refunded to the company... first of all I did not realize that there was an overlap because I still have not received any payments from the insurance and was under the impression that the insurance would pick up from where they left off.
But as it turns out the insurance will issue payments for those days once the benefits pay out begins. That is not a big deal because that means that the income deductions made to the government for those three days has to be refunded to me. I wonder if the government will pay interest on that or maybe, like me, they had already spent it. Anyway refunding Ceasar's portion and receiving that portion from the insurance company instead is a fair deal so all is well with me and with Ceasar.
It was the Human Resources Benefits administrator at work calling to inform me that the three day pay issued to me while waiting for the insurance company to kick in has to be refunded to the company... first of all I did not realize that there was an overlap because I still have not received any payments from the insurance and was under the impression that the insurance would pick up from where they left off.
But as it turns out the insurance will issue payments for those days once the benefits pay out begins. That is not a big deal because that means that the income deductions made to the government for those three days has to be refunded to me. I wonder if the government will pay interest on that or maybe, like me, they had already spent it. Anyway refunding Ceasar's portion and receiving that portion from the insurance company instead is a fair deal so all is well with me and with Ceasar.
September 29, 2005
I just don’t get it!
For the past few days on and off, I woke up, and my second thought has been about the fitness centre that went into my account to withdraw monthly fees two weeks after I officially terminated my membership.
That was couple months ago. I have since contacted the accountant of the gym location where I used to go for my workout and personal training.
The first time I was told that the head office was late in cancellation the PAP… it took them more than two weeks to cancel the PAP; at that time I was promised a cheque in the mail.
I called three weeks later to follow-up and the accountant told me that person who issues refunds is away on vacation… I asked when the person was due back in the office and when she was expected back and most importantly when will that refund be mailed to me. She informed that the she has no idea when the person would be back and the other people in the office are swamped. But as soon as the refund is process I will be informed. That was four weeks ago. I called on again on September 23, 2005 at about 11:15 AM and was transferred to her extension. I got her voicemail and left her a detail message inquiring about the status of my cheque. She has not acknowledged my call let alone to inform me about the refund.
I am not overly concerned about becoming bankrupted over the refund but the fact is that was money that was not supposed to be withdrawn from my account. What bugs me is not so much the cheque but the principle behind this… not following through with the membership discount offer terms and conditions.
The CEO of that company came to offer corporate discount at the place where I am employed and one thing I remember him saying is that membership can be cancelled at any time. I did not cancel because of the service because I did get what I paid for but back in April I ha dto put all physical activites on hold because of limited mobility and may require surgery. Not knowing when I will resume regular activity, I called to inform them and was told that I could pay until and bank the time. At first I agreed to that because I anticipated full recovery within a couple months. That was not so. In fact, the appointment is not until the neuro surgeon appointment is in November and I still use a cane to assist my limited movement. I explain that; granted I was very frustrated and upset by then.
I called the office to make arrangements such that I could put the payment and membership on hold. The manager of the location I used to go told me that was not an option and that I could transfer my payment to credit card withdrawal.
Not only was that option out of the question but why would I prepay for something that I may not use and by this time I would not use there for sure. I proceeded to cancel and was asked for a doctor’s note. I complied. I was informed that the six payments I made while awaiting recovery from the herniated disc is non-refundable but that could be banked as time. Given a choice I would rather have my money to attend to more immediate needs.
Besides by then, ask me if I care to return there...
I told the manager if I cannot get a refund… they could keep the time and the money.
If they think that I will let that payment taken after the cancellation slide then they are in for a rude awakening and a rough shake on their tender conscience that may have been hiding in the closet in the name of keeping conscience and business separate. As far as I am concerned the two go hand in hand... how else is anything suppose to be fair?
It is not enough to hire the services of a lawyer but I will dismiss the chares in the hands of the Supreme Court where no other authority and law can trespass. The thing is once it is there I cannot take it back. As reminded in Romans 12: 19a: “Never take revenge, instead let God’s anger do it.
In the end I would rather have peace than to gain the whole world and have a bankrupt soul. Still the fact of the matter is that I feel that this is breach of contract.
What I don't get is the fact that I have to hound them for what is rightfully mine... what's up with that!
Now that I have taken the time to review the issue I expect it to stop bothering me especially since effectively right now I hand it over to God. I know that giving this concern to him, he will guide me to the right outcome in his time.
One more thing …
I also assign the security company case over to God.
After I cancelled their service three years; I was expected to pay off an outstanding amount for early cancellation of service, which I refused to pay.
The reason for my decision is the reason for cancellation and that was, having an emergency contact that I did not authorized and that they have failed to inform me of how they got this individual’s name and contact info on my files.
Until such time they can bring down brimstone and fire but they cannot harm me.
And so it is!
That was couple months ago. I have since contacted the accountant of the gym location where I used to go for my workout and personal training.
The first time I was told that the head office was late in cancellation the PAP… it took them more than two weeks to cancel the PAP; at that time I was promised a cheque in the mail.
I called three weeks later to follow-up and the accountant told me that person who issues refunds is away on vacation… I asked when the person was due back in the office and when she was expected back and most importantly when will that refund be mailed to me. She informed that the she has no idea when the person would be back and the other people in the office are swamped. But as soon as the refund is process I will be informed. That was four weeks ago. I called on again on September 23, 2005 at about 11:15 AM and was transferred to her extension. I got her voicemail and left her a detail message inquiring about the status of my cheque. She has not acknowledged my call let alone to inform me about the refund.
I am not overly concerned about becoming bankrupted over the refund but the fact is that was money that was not supposed to be withdrawn from my account. What bugs me is not so much the cheque but the principle behind this… not following through with the membership discount offer terms and conditions.
The CEO of that company came to offer corporate discount at the place where I am employed and one thing I remember him saying is that membership can be cancelled at any time. I did not cancel because of the service because I did get what I paid for but back in April I ha dto put all physical activites on hold because of limited mobility and may require surgery. Not knowing when I will resume regular activity, I called to inform them and was told that I could pay until and bank the time. At first I agreed to that because I anticipated full recovery within a couple months. That was not so. In fact, the appointment is not until the neuro surgeon appointment is in November and I still use a cane to assist my limited movement. I explain that; granted I was very frustrated and upset by then.
I called the office to make arrangements such that I could put the payment and membership on hold. The manager of the location I used to go told me that was not an option and that I could transfer my payment to credit card withdrawal.
Not only was that option out of the question but why would I prepay for something that I may not use and by this time I would not use there for sure. I proceeded to cancel and was asked for a doctor’s note. I complied. I was informed that the six payments I made while awaiting recovery from the herniated disc is non-refundable but that could be banked as time. Given a choice I would rather have my money to attend to more immediate needs.
Besides by then, ask me if I care to return there...
I told the manager if I cannot get a refund… they could keep the time and the money.
If they think that I will let that payment taken after the cancellation slide then they are in for a rude awakening and a rough shake on their tender conscience that may have been hiding in the closet in the name of keeping conscience and business separate. As far as I am concerned the two go hand in hand... how else is anything suppose to be fair?
It is not enough to hire the services of a lawyer but I will dismiss the chares in the hands of the Supreme Court where no other authority and law can trespass. The thing is once it is there I cannot take it back. As reminded in Romans 12: 19a: “Never take revenge, instead let God’s anger do it.
In the end I would rather have peace than to gain the whole world and have a bankrupt soul. Still the fact of the matter is that I feel that this is breach of contract.
What I don't get is the fact that I have to hound them for what is rightfully mine... what's up with that!
Now that I have taken the time to review the issue I expect it to stop bothering me especially since effectively right now I hand it over to God. I know that giving this concern to him, he will guide me to the right outcome in his time.
One more thing …
I also assign the security company case over to God.
After I cancelled their service three years; I was expected to pay off an outstanding amount for early cancellation of service, which I refused to pay.
The reason for my decision is the reason for cancellation and that was, having an emergency contact that I did not authorized and that they have failed to inform me of how they got this individual’s name and contact info on my files.
Until such time they can bring down brimstone and fire but they cannot harm me.
And so it is!
September 28, 2005
10...10... 80
Saving while in debt is like collecting water with a wicker basket.
That is the hard lesson that I have learnt from how I used to manage my finances while waiting for the lottery jackpot to pick my number combinations as the winning ticket.
Money invested to enjoy the cost of dignified living taught me the value of my talents and life situations is teaching me how much I am worth and I am glad that it is sooner and not any later.
I am in the process of restoring the health of my mindbodysoul and attending to finances- the piece of the pie that almost crumbled my mindbodysoul.
A crumbled pie is still edible. The same with my outlook on health. Jobbing labouriously to make money at the expense of my happiness is no investment towards my health, wellness and sanity.
I am well on my way to restoring my 10-10-80 formula and that is worth of a toast.
That is the hard lesson that I have learnt from how I used to manage my finances while waiting for the lottery jackpot to pick my number combinations as the winning ticket.
Money invested to enjoy the cost of dignified living taught me the value of my talents and life situations is teaching me how much I am worth and I am glad that it is sooner and not any later.
I am in the process of restoring the health of my mindbodysoul and attending to finances- the piece of the pie that almost crumbled my mindbodysoul.
A crumbled pie is still edible. The same with my outlook on health. Jobbing labouriously to make money at the expense of my happiness is no investment towards my health, wellness and sanity.
I am well on my way to restoring my 10-10-80 formula and that is worth of a toast.
September 27, 2005
On authenticity
I would rather have the judgement of God than the blame of mankind.
I would rather remain true to myself and lose the promotion of this world than to be buried in riches and/or with riches at the cost of my soul and tender conscience. I was so afraid of who I could have become, that I began working on discovering who I really am , only to find out that who I really am was what I was afraid I could be.
Until I became face-to-face with whom I really am; I could not embrace my authentic being and in turn no one would ever know me.
What a sad thing it is when one doesn’t know who he or she really ought to be… or afraid of finding out
I am not who people say or think I am. In fact no one is whom people say or think they are. We are all children of God and we are each created in his image and likeness. Knowing that truth has made me more in tune with Him and me as I continue to kindle my relationship with him, others and myself. I will accept no similes as I honour, love and respect myself.
I would rather remain true to myself and lose the promotion of this world than to be buried in riches and/or with riches at the cost of my soul and tender conscience. I was so afraid of who I could have become, that I began working on discovering who I really am , only to find out that who I really am was what I was afraid I could be.
Until I became face-to-face with whom I really am; I could not embrace my authentic being and in turn no one would ever know me.
What a sad thing it is when one doesn’t know who he or she really ought to be… or afraid of finding out
I am not who people say or think I am. In fact no one is whom people say or think they are. We are all children of God and we are each created in his image and likeness. Knowing that truth has made me more in tune with Him and me as I continue to kindle my relationship with him, others and myself. I will accept no similes as I honour, love and respect myself.
September 26, 2005
Self evaluation
I gotta start somewhere… somehow… so I began with myself. I had to get some perspective on my life. In so doing I would be ale to assist others in finding meaning and purpose in life.
There is no way I could help another before attending to myself and I cannot help myself without helping others in the process.
That same principle applies to harmful behaviour and attitude. So I decided to take an inventory on how I can help others and myself to live and enjoy a life of health and wellness.
After an honest self-evaluation, I was presented with endless possibilities I got to work on making my comeback to reality. In order words, I stopped standing in my way and let God unfold His plan of action. I tell you, my director never sleeps; he does not miss out on any action and that is what makes him the best in the business of salvation- salvaging. He saves souls, rescues lives, uses all things for good and he knows me inside out. The whole time I was resisting him and his auditions he was patiently waiting. What more can I ask for? I never imagined how life’s tangles would compliment my work as a writer/author, mentor, coach and social justice acitivist. Everything happens for a reason and in time that purpose unfolds…. Annnnnd action! Now all of this makes sense.
Thank God for hindsight!
There is no way I could help another before attending to myself and I cannot help myself without helping others in the process.
That same principle applies to harmful behaviour and attitude. So I decided to take an inventory on how I can help others and myself to live and enjoy a life of health and wellness.
After an honest self-evaluation, I was presented with endless possibilities I got to work on making my comeback to reality. In order words, I stopped standing in my way and let God unfold His plan of action. I tell you, my director never sleeps; he does not miss out on any action and that is what makes him the best in the business of salvation- salvaging. He saves souls, rescues lives, uses all things for good and he knows me inside out. The whole time I was resisting him and his auditions he was patiently waiting. What more can I ask for? I never imagined how life’s tangles would compliment my work as a writer/author, mentor, coach and social justice acitivist. Everything happens for a reason and in time that purpose unfolds…. Annnnnd action! Now all of this makes sense.
Thank God for hindsight!
September 25, 2005
So much to say!
“I have nothing to say”.
I know that I used this lame excuse so many times in my life. Another self-sabotage was thinking and even saying that my contribution won’t make a difference. Guess what?
It didn’t and the only reason it hadn’t, that is until now, is because I believed my own false statement. I was only fooling myself and and failing to be of some help to others who would benefit from my contribution.
The truth is I have so much say- I’ll need another eighty years to complete it all and yes it will make a difference, small or big.
But what if time runs out?
That question woke me up from my slumber. I don’t want my opportunity to expire before I make my contribution.
So I am working towards my goal by using my aptitude to help make this world a better environment for me and for everyone.
I know that I used this lame excuse so many times in my life. Another self-sabotage was thinking and even saying that my contribution won’t make a difference. Guess what?
It didn’t and the only reason it hadn’t, that is until now, is because I believed my own false statement. I was only fooling myself and and failing to be of some help to others who would benefit from my contribution.
The truth is I have so much say- I’ll need another eighty years to complete it all and yes it will make a difference, small or big.
But what if time runs out?
That question woke me up from my slumber. I don’t want my opportunity to expire before I make my contribution.
So I am working towards my goal by using my aptitude to help make this world a better environment for me and for everyone.
September 24, 2005
Limited resources or, is it?
Not only did I learn to make do with what I have, I discovered and developed creative ideas and skills as a result of it.
That is when I really began to appreciate and re-examine the benefits of self reliance and intuition- among many other distinctive opportunities that birth in consciuosness- when it seems like life is rationing its resources.
I have since made a decision to relish and expand my resilient ability. I thank my circumstances for how they enabled the great mind to imagine and present solutions. That is a surefire way to dissolve the condition of poverty in mind's consciousness
The best part is that leaving within my means is living without worries even when I live without a lot of things...
That is when I really began to appreciate and re-examine the benefits of self reliance and intuition- among many other distinctive opportunities that birth in consciuosness- when it seems like life is rationing its resources.
I have since made a decision to relish and expand my resilient ability. I thank my circumstances for how they enabled the great mind to imagine and present solutions. That is a surefire way to dissolve the condition of poverty in mind's consciousness
The best part is that leaving within my means is living without worries even when I live without a lot of things...
September 23, 2005
What was I thinking eh?
Just when I thought I exhausted my channel to God during the moments when I need to hang on to my faith and trust that God will come through as He has done in my many life circumstances there is His footsteps that remind me that He is near.
It is just that this time I was provoked to trust otherwise that it was overwhelming and the wait for this to pass seemed endless. It taught me to reach out and seek help... in this case a kind word, a testimony... a reason to hold on.
Sometime I vie the event as answers to my prayers and when I do not know what to say to Solitude; I just say thank you.
I thank God for enablig me to trust him as he continues to lead me to ways of expressing myself so creatively.
It is just that this time I was provoked to trust otherwise that it was overwhelming and the wait for this to pass seemed endless. It taught me to reach out and seek help... in this case a kind word, a testimony... a reason to hold on.
Sometime I vie the event as answers to my prayers and when I do not know what to say to Solitude; I just say thank you.
I thank God for enablig me to trust him as he continues to lead me to ways of expressing myself so creatively.
September 22, 2005
Making it through the day
To hold on to you until each storm is over and to remain in your presence forever: I have made a breakthrough that is what I call transfiguration.
Step by step I remove the layers of dross as I come face to face with who I am beneath the dust
I learnt humility so I could gain strength I accept your plan and trust the process when my work is done you will take me through it alive, well and whole and so it is!
Laying my life at your feet and being at your disposal is the commitment you require; dying to my self is the only way you can use me, melt me, bless me and bless others. Many times along the way, I backed out of your plan. It seemed like the right thing to do because your request was too difficult and at times you were too demanding. It just felt easier to do what I please or do as others expect because for some reason it was easier to accomplish. Except that all this while I was robbing myself of the joy of living my very own life.
Knowing that you sometimes let me have my way without twisting my arms made me confident in you and myself but it was not long before I scurried back to you and you are always waiting. What did I expect? You knew that moment would come so you just waited patiently and other times when I broke the curfew you made that You disciplined me. Wow! Decades later I am convinced that your expectations were sometimes too high but now I know that is because you want only the best for me. Then and only then will all the rest fall in line. Ahha! I remmebr that this was when I allowed myself to get close enough to you to hear you whisper my name and stared intently into my eyes as you reminded me of your love. I was really beside myself that day! Now and then I feel like backing away but I know better than to yield to this temptation.
Interestingly I have noticed that when I used to feel like this I used to deal with the anxiety by snatching my life from God and deal with it. Now I just let him do what he wants for I am aware that God is working in my life in a way I never imagined.
I recall the days when I wanted nothing to do with you,God... a god of rage, of mischievous jokes someone who was waiting to plunge the dagger. Ouch! I can just imagine how many tears that God shed on me... tears of understanding of forgiveness and of love. Had he not given the many chances he did I would be no more. This gav me a new perspective on and a deeper desire for holiness as well as a greater longing for intimacy with God
This is more than enough reason to forgive others and myself. But how do I get over the pain stands tall like a giant in my mind. I know that I have release the pain and the persons who did the hurting in the process of doing the best that they could but sometimes I feel that it best to not allow anyone to cross my boundaries. It sometimes felt like I have made a cruel decision. Too many times I thought that to allow people to have their way with my life and freedom was to win their trust and love but each time I did a part of me was full of anger and rage. A rage that made me lash at you God instead of at them and I not only closed them out I shut you right out. What a life. Now I have built this protective wall around myself. It sometimes feels like a prison but without the shackles. Just when I thought that I had let them go- the pain and the ones whom I feel were trespassers- I am haunted with feelings of being stuck in a cage of resentment.
I suppose I had a tangled perception of the meaning of forgiveness. One day I will have grown enough to shed the illusions that shroud my debating mind on this subject.
I am on the path of enlightenment and I choose to no longer resist what you need me to do for I know that you created me to be a Dazzling Light. And I am worth it!
Step by step I remove the layers of dross as I come face to face with who I am beneath the dust
I learnt humility so I could gain strength I accept your plan and trust the process when my work is done you will take me through it alive, well and whole and so it is!
Laying my life at your feet and being at your disposal is the commitment you require; dying to my self is the only way you can use me, melt me, bless me and bless others. Many times along the way, I backed out of your plan. It seemed like the right thing to do because your request was too difficult and at times you were too demanding. It just felt easier to do what I please or do as others expect because for some reason it was easier to accomplish. Except that all this while I was robbing myself of the joy of living my very own life.
Knowing that you sometimes let me have my way without twisting my arms made me confident in you and myself but it was not long before I scurried back to you and you are always waiting. What did I expect? You knew that moment would come so you just waited patiently and other times when I broke the curfew you made that You disciplined me. Wow! Decades later I am convinced that your expectations were sometimes too high but now I know that is because you want only the best for me. Then and only then will all the rest fall in line. Ahha! I remmebr that this was when I allowed myself to get close enough to you to hear you whisper my name and stared intently into my eyes as you reminded me of your love. I was really beside myself that day! Now and then I feel like backing away but I know better than to yield to this temptation.
Interestingly I have noticed that when I used to feel like this I used to deal with the anxiety by snatching my life from God and deal with it. Now I just let him do what he wants for I am aware that God is working in my life in a way I never imagined.
I recall the days when I wanted nothing to do with you,God... a god of rage, of mischievous jokes someone who was waiting to plunge the dagger. Ouch! I can just imagine how many tears that God shed on me... tears of understanding of forgiveness and of love. Had he not given the many chances he did I would be no more. This gav me a new perspective on and a deeper desire for holiness as well as a greater longing for intimacy with God
This is more than enough reason to forgive others and myself. But how do I get over the pain stands tall like a giant in my mind. I know that I have release the pain and the persons who did the hurting in the process of doing the best that they could but sometimes I feel that it best to not allow anyone to cross my boundaries. It sometimes felt like I have made a cruel decision. Too many times I thought that to allow people to have their way with my life and freedom was to win their trust and love but each time I did a part of me was full of anger and rage. A rage that made me lash at you God instead of at them and I not only closed them out I shut you right out. What a life. Now I have built this protective wall around myself. It sometimes feels like a prison but without the shackles. Just when I thought that I had let them go- the pain and the ones whom I feel were trespassers- I am haunted with feelings of being stuck in a cage of resentment.
I suppose I had a tangled perception of the meaning of forgiveness. One day I will have grown enough to shed the illusions that shroud my debating mind on this subject.
I am on the path of enlightenment and I choose to no longer resist what you need me to do for I know that you created me to be a Dazzling Light. And I am worth it!
September 21, 2005
And so it is!
It is not too late to begin
It is never a shame to start over
Not as embarrassing to fall
As to fall and not get up
It is over only after you fail to risk again. Yes, all that is required is a mustard seed-size faith of me and of anyone for that matter and the only Source delivers resources of all that is good and helpful as needed when necessary.
That’s no fate. It is realtiy.
The only way to understand my purpose in life is by asking the one who designed it; seeking him for guidance about it and knocking on the doors that he has planned to open when I knock on it. Opening the door of my heart and soul when Spirit knocks on it is soul satisfaction serendipity, serenity, synchronity salutations.
It is never a shame to start over
Not as embarrassing to fall
As to fall and not get up
It is over only after you fail to risk again. Yes, all that is required is a mustard seed-size faith of me and of anyone for that matter and the only Source delivers resources of all that is good and helpful as needed when necessary.
That’s no fate. It is realtiy.
The only way to understand my purpose in life is by asking the one who designed it; seeking him for guidance about it and knocking on the doors that he has planned to open when I knock on it. Opening the door of my heart and soul when Spirit knocks on it is soul satisfaction serendipity, serenity, synchronity salutations.
September 20, 2005
Single...to be or not to be!
I used to struggle with the dread of being single and while there are days when I honoured that as my present path on the journey, most times I used to grumble. Then and again, after I reread the lives of Abraham, Sarah and all the ancestors mentioned in Genesis I had reason to quit doubting my loveability. When God is ready, nothing stands in the way.
So I made a vow to honour myself because for some reason I woke up thinking that I was incomplete without a husband and then God banged on my brain. I am with you always... be with me. My Self- not just my human self, that was proposing to me.
I have an emotional little person who wants to me to love, guide it and care for it. Only so can it feel safe to let me love and be loved and enjoy authentic intimacy with life’s choosing companion according to my personal preference
Being single does not bother me as it used to. Now and then I still feel a little lonesome- not incomplete or feeding the soul with nonsense taboo that something is wrong with me kind of stupidity sentiment fuelling my brain to behave I am a mistake created by God.
I am so engaged with loving myself that I accept my singleness as being the best status for me right now. I do not know why other than I know that God has good reason that it is so. That conviction continues to improve my perspective on the singularness.
So I made a vow to honour myself because for some reason I woke up thinking that I was incomplete without a husband and then God banged on my brain. I am with you always... be with me. My Self- not just my human self, that was proposing to me.
I have an emotional little person who wants to me to love, guide it and care for it. Only so can it feel safe to let me love and be loved and enjoy authentic intimacy with life’s choosing companion according to my personal preference
Being single does not bother me as it used to. Now and then I still feel a little lonesome- not incomplete or feeding the soul with nonsense taboo that something is wrong with me kind of stupidity sentiment fuelling my brain to behave I am a mistake created by God.
I am so engaged with loving myself that I accept my singleness as being the best status for me right now. I do not know why other than I know that God has good reason that it is so. That conviction continues to improve my perspective on the singularness.
On Giftedness
I find the wealth of knowledge we posses very amazing if only we take the time to realize and harness it. Indeed I find that a lot of talent and abilities remain untapped and waiting to be discovered. I say that mostly because I too am responsible for dismissing my full potential.
Nowadays when dark clouds try to hide the rainbow, instead of grumbling and whining, I pick up my pen and paper and before I know it my peace of mind is restored… and I give birth to a new poem.
Writing, and more so, poetry helps me to tune within. It brings out the strength and courage when doubts try to creep in to distract me from my purpose.
Not only can I imagine the challenges that some people are trying to overcome; I know the torture that their souls endure as they make sense of things that at the time may be nothing but sensible.
The last six years had been preparing me for this moment of discovering and honouring my talent. Something that brought many moments of my rebirth were the very things I lamented and cursed when they happened.
It is amazing to look back at those moments and see how the dots connect.
I agree with whoever said that one must make time to enjoy living. Living life is an art that has to be practised daily. Taking time to relax is no indicator of laziness or irresoonsibility, as some of us allow ourselves to believe, and it should not be taken away as some privileged. It is a right!
Even Jesus left the crowd to enjoy solitude.
I continue to thank God for the strength and endurance that he has packed in my humanness. I remember how much I tried to back away from him but he had no intention to let me slide from Him again. Here I am today enjoying my life as his most precious gift and I am at peace knowing that God knows and provides for my big and small needs. even when i don not like his eleventh-hour style. I have noticed that these were the times he wows me!
Nowadays when dark clouds try to hide the rainbow, instead of grumbling and whining, I pick up my pen and paper and before I know it my peace of mind is restored… and I give birth to a new poem.
Writing, and more so, poetry helps me to tune within. It brings out the strength and courage when doubts try to creep in to distract me from my purpose.
Not only can I imagine the challenges that some people are trying to overcome; I know the torture that their souls endure as they make sense of things that at the time may be nothing but sensible.
The last six years had been preparing me for this moment of discovering and honouring my talent. Something that brought many moments of my rebirth were the very things I lamented and cursed when they happened.
It is amazing to look back at those moments and see how the dots connect.
I agree with whoever said that one must make time to enjoy living. Living life is an art that has to be practised daily. Taking time to relax is no indicator of laziness or irresoonsibility, as some of us allow ourselves to believe, and it should not be taken away as some privileged. It is a right!
Even Jesus left the crowd to enjoy solitude.
I continue to thank God for the strength and endurance that he has packed in my humanness. I remember how much I tried to back away from him but he had no intention to let me slide from Him again. Here I am today enjoying my life as his most precious gift and I am at peace knowing that God knows and provides for my big and small needs. even when i don not like his eleventh-hour style. I have noticed that these were the times he wows me!
September 19, 2005
My moment of reflection
The fact is that these days I do not make decisions without praying and ask God to help me to see His purpose, especially when circumstances try to make me feel like He is not around.
I trust the process- some days rather grumpily, but God knows my heart's condition.
Gone are the days when I would turn to all other sources before I seek God's say in the matter.
Now when need the best solution I pray for wisdom and God's guidance by sending out my request to the Universe and God sends me the help and most time I recognize it. That counts for improvement on how I manage the business of living.
I must say that sometimes the way the answer to my request comes is not always exactly what I expect. Sometimes I question His timing or try to argue with him... big no no! This is where I need to keep improving. And the good thing He understand human frailness and impatience.
I am glad that I am becoming more open to the guidance that leads me where I need to be otherwise I would not have recognized the cues to the next step on my journey. I appreciate that I am able to listen and share what is in my mind to him without mincing my words. I was able to listen to myself and share what I really felt. That is the only way I can know the truth from the distraction. I guess that is the other prayer being answered... discernment.
The way things have been unfolding is really amazing. I feel much stronger than last year and even this year! I suppose I was dreading the unknown but following my path is the only way I could have found faith in myself and trust in others.
When the student is ready the teacher shows up to empower myself to prepare to reap the rewards of faith in myself and the Universe. This past year was one for learning and growing and God exemplified that by providing a friend and or supporter when I needed the nudge to stay balance and focused.
These are gifts that cannot be purchased in the grocery store, mall or the pharmacy. They are not even readily available in people and that is the answer I received when I prayed for discernment. I had to differentiate the Spirit (positive vibrations) from the flesh (low vibrations). It was not easy but it was very possible and that is why I stopped listening the naysayers.
I trust the process- some days rather grumpily, but God knows my heart's condition.
Gone are the days when I would turn to all other sources before I seek God's say in the matter.
Now when need the best solution I pray for wisdom and God's guidance by sending out my request to the Universe and God sends me the help and most time I recognize it. That counts for improvement on how I manage the business of living.
I must say that sometimes the way the answer to my request comes is not always exactly what I expect. Sometimes I question His timing or try to argue with him... big no no! This is where I need to keep improving. And the good thing He understand human frailness and impatience.
I am glad that I am becoming more open to the guidance that leads me where I need to be otherwise I would not have recognized the cues to the next step on my journey. I appreciate that I am able to listen and share what is in my mind to him without mincing my words. I was able to listen to myself and share what I really felt. That is the only way I can know the truth from the distraction. I guess that is the other prayer being answered... discernment.
The way things have been unfolding is really amazing. I feel much stronger than last year and even this year! I suppose I was dreading the unknown but following my path is the only way I could have found faith in myself and trust in others.
When the student is ready the teacher shows up to empower myself to prepare to reap the rewards of faith in myself and the Universe. This past year was one for learning and growing and God exemplified that by providing a friend and or supporter when I needed the nudge to stay balance and focused.
These are gifts that cannot be purchased in the grocery store, mall or the pharmacy. They are not even readily available in people and that is the answer I received when I prayed for discernment. I had to differentiate the Spirit (positive vibrations) from the flesh (low vibrations). It was not easy but it was very possible and that is why I stopped listening the naysayers.
September 18, 2005
Redefining my idea of employment
I have been particularly frustrated where work is concerned as I know that though it took me a while to allow God to mould me, I did and he did not only reveal this to me in my writing. Looking back on all the themes of my writing I see them as his way of coaching, breaking and restoring me. I never thought that I would bless all what I have overcome yet I finally saw why Life allowed all these things to happen. This is what I needed to conquer holy hell fears and assist people who are willing to responsibly help themselves conquer recession, depression, and feelings of abandonment by tapping into the inside, to really listen.. Institutions cannot teach anyone how to really tap within by listening to the silence where answers come from…that is something they cannot teach yet it is a crucial part of what people are seeking. People need more than a pay check; in addition to that they need someone to sit and listen without judgement; they need love, respect and integrity and maintained dignity in the marketplace.
The biggest lesson is that until I do something that I really enjoy to the point that I would offer this service voluntarily, I will find little gratification. Personal satsifaction is not the only thing that I will enjoy but peace of mind knowing that I can make a worthwhile contribution to the universe and ultimately the world.
This is not neceesarily accomplished with shouldering a more than hefty workload or meagre one percent per annum increase especially when company annual’s assets are in the billions of dollar range- but by being a soulful, conscientious worker. As an employee who puts in a practical day's worth of service, a little piece of the pie that I helped bake is all I am asking for. Is that too much to ask for and, receive?
I did not think so!
Almighty Father, thank you for the work you bless these hands and mind to do and may it always serve you. Put a desire in the hearts of those in business to follow your laws and principles to act lovingly, soulfully and ethically. Encourage us to recognize that no marketplace can fully function without you. I therefore choose to seek first the Kingdom in heaven right here on earth and allow Life to present the required resources
The biggest lesson is that until I do something that I really enjoy to the point that I would offer this service voluntarily, I will find little gratification. Personal satsifaction is not the only thing that I will enjoy but peace of mind knowing that I can make a worthwhile contribution to the universe and ultimately the world.
This is not neceesarily accomplished with shouldering a more than hefty workload or meagre one percent per annum increase especially when company annual’s assets are in the billions of dollar range- but by being a soulful, conscientious worker. As an employee who puts in a practical day's worth of service, a little piece of the pie that I helped bake is all I am asking for. Is that too much to ask for and, receive?
I did not think so!
Almighty Father, thank you for the work you bless these hands and mind to do and may it always serve you. Put a desire in the hearts of those in business to follow your laws and principles to act lovingly, soulfully and ethically. Encourage us to recognize that no marketplace can fully function without you. I therefore choose to seek first the Kingdom in heaven right here on earth and allow Life to present the required resources
September 17, 2005
The Heart of the Matter
Frankly, I don't get it!
What on earth is troubling the minds and lives of the people who resort to thinking that there is no way out in what is referred to as 'dog eat dog' world?
The fact is, it is not the world that is becoming cruel but cruely is pepertrated as some form of mass entertainment with no sign of an end. To me it is a game gone too far and the result- oppression, individualism and greed.
War over a piece of land or some oil or other 'precious' resources... so many trespassing violations! At some point or another we are all breaking someone's boundary.
Lately police sirens are blaring day and night in my neighborhood and I wonder if that is just a scarecrow strategy.
And the media- they seem to be caught in this fear breeding concern. Who needs to rent movies when you can turn on the TV?
All the great works have somehow fallen through the cracks... what a picture to paint and imprint on the minds of a populace.
While my guess is as good as any, I feel that the underlying cause is not that we are bad people but we are a people searching for truth, peace, justice and dignity and this unfortunately is not found in war, bloodshed, power play or blindly complying with conformity.
I could best explain an alternative with the following poem that I composed to help me do my part in understanding and in resolving the conflict that goes on in one's self and reflected and demonstrated by the actions of war, shooting and crimes.
Understanding and resolving the conflict that goes on in one's self and reflected and demonstrated by the actions of war, shooting and crimes requires quieting of the mind and the master behind the mindgames.
Life always balances itself even in ways that seem unbearable to the human mind and the treasures that coerces the mind lends little help when what really mattes is traded for things that cannot restore peace
What on earth is troubling the minds and lives of the people who resort to thinking that there is no way out in what is referred to as 'dog eat dog' world?
The fact is, it is not the world that is becoming cruel but cruely is pepertrated as some form of mass entertainment with no sign of an end. To me it is a game gone too far and the result- oppression, individualism and greed.
War over a piece of land or some oil or other 'precious' resources... so many trespassing violations! At some point or another we are all breaking someone's boundary.
Lately police sirens are blaring day and night in my neighborhood and I wonder if that is just a scarecrow strategy.
And the media- they seem to be caught in this fear breeding concern. Who needs to rent movies when you can turn on the TV?
All the great works have somehow fallen through the cracks... what a picture to paint and imprint on the minds of a populace.
While my guess is as good as any, I feel that the underlying cause is not that we are bad people but we are a people searching for truth, peace, justice and dignity and this unfortunately is not found in war, bloodshed, power play or blindly complying with conformity.
I could best explain an alternative with the following poem that I composed to help me do my part in understanding and in resolving the conflict that goes on in one's self and reflected and demonstrated by the actions of war, shooting and crimes.
Understanding and resolving the conflict that goes on in one's self and reflected and demonstrated by the actions of war, shooting and crimes requires quieting of the mind and the master behind the mindgames.
Life always balances itself even in ways that seem unbearable to the human mind and the treasures that coerces the mind lends little help when what really mattes is traded for things that cannot restore peace
The healing effect of music
Along the way I have fallen in love with some songs, which to this day, I keep playing and listening to. More importantly, music has this powerful hold on the strings of my heart; it somehow knows all the hurting spots that need soothing with its balm.
I remember missing out on a workshop because I stopped at electronic department of a store and never left because there was a TV featuring VH1 music videos back in 1980’s when my family could not afford to have a TV.
I suppose I should devote some time to reading about the musician or songwriters…one day. Until then, I continue to enjoy music for its therapy if nothing else. Music takes me to my core and takes me where no Shrink could trespass.
I remember missing out on a workshop because I stopped at electronic department of a store and never left because there was a TV featuring VH1 music videos back in 1980’s when my family could not afford to have a TV.
I suppose I should devote some time to reading about the musician or songwriters…one day. Until then, I continue to enjoy music for its therapy if nothing else. Music takes me to my core and takes me where no Shrink could trespass.
September 15, 2005
Thoughts and feelings
I am indeed getting more comfortable in the course and trust that there are others who, after getting their feet ‘wet’, feel the same way.
I especially enjoyed chatting with those who I caught in the chat room. Awesome!
I look forward to more of that!
It took me four decades to seriously work towards fulfilling my goals.
Only a week into my first writing course and I realize that there is so much more I can do once I complete this course; not to mention practise writing the different styles of poetry that I have learnt.
One thing is sure.
This is no longer just a dream and if it is it has a very happy ending.
I especially enjoyed chatting with those who I caught in the chat room. Awesome!
I look forward to more of that!
It took me four decades to seriously work towards fulfilling my goals.
Only a week into my first writing course and I realize that there is so much more I can do once I complete this course; not to mention practise writing the different styles of poetry that I have learnt.
One thing is sure.
This is no longer just a dream and if it is it has a very happy ending.
The dotted line
Well not exactly... In this case it is just a straight line.
Before I do I intend to fully understand what may be at stake and or that I say yes to the terms of this agreement. Too many times I have signed disclaimers only to read it later to find a word or clause that zaps my brow! After all I had to learn at some point. Interesting the shortest agreement is about three pages or 30 items on the terms and agreement and people are expected to read sign and be given a copy in under five minutes.
Go figure what some of these statements says; for example the one I read yesterday goes like this:
General Limitations of Liability: In addition to those limitations of liability set out elsewhere in these Terms and Service, we will not be liable to you or to your third party for any direct, indirect incidental, special, punitive or consequential losses or damages, including: losses of earnings; loss, theft, destruction, interception, misdelivery or alternation of data or other information; loss of business opportunities; property damage;( and here is the classics loss)- personal injuries including death or any other foreseeable or unforeseeable loss.............. whether to not the acts of omissions would otherwise give rise to claims or causes of action in contract, tort, pursuant to statute to pursuant to any other doctrine of law.
That is just a small portion of one of the 29 guidelines in the terms and conditions of service.
and you are supposed to read while the rep is standing there waiting for signature.
Well I resolved that going forward anything longer than two lines will require at least one month to read, understand, query and agree to sign and return to service provider, and that goes for government agencies and all who draft up those disclaimers...
What do you know…a classic piece of mail about failure to meet end of agreement and the legal actions ensued just arrived. Did they check their files to see the breach of agreement why this amount remains outstanding? They had better get cracking because they will be the one to pay.
And this other service provider who sneaked into my bank account after the termination of services... and it has been a run around to have a refund which one of their administrators agreed was a breach on their part. I am prepared to give them one more followup call and then it is Small Claims court here I come.
I took responsible for my end of the deal. Can you?
I have let too many disputes fall through the cracks and cause unnecessary issues because I did not see the need or merit to work up my blood pressure or lose what money cannot buy or replace and now is time to say, “enough is enough!”
Before I do I intend to fully understand what may be at stake and or that I say yes to the terms of this agreement. Too many times I have signed disclaimers only to read it later to find a word or clause that zaps my brow! After all I had to learn at some point. Interesting the shortest agreement is about three pages or 30 items on the terms and agreement and people are expected to read sign and be given a copy in under five minutes.
Go figure what some of these statements says; for example the one I read yesterday goes like this:
General Limitations of Liability: In addition to those limitations of liability set out elsewhere in these Terms and Service, we will not be liable to you or to your third party for any direct, indirect incidental, special, punitive or consequential losses or damages, including: losses of earnings; loss, theft, destruction, interception, misdelivery or alternation of data or other information; loss of business opportunities; property damage;( and here is the classics loss)- personal injuries including death or any other foreseeable or unforeseeable loss.............. whether to not the acts of omissions would otherwise give rise to claims or causes of action in contract, tort, pursuant to statute to pursuant to any other doctrine of law.
That is just a small portion of one of the 29 guidelines in the terms and conditions of service.
and you are supposed to read while the rep is standing there waiting for signature.
Well I resolved that going forward anything longer than two lines will require at least one month to read, understand, query and agree to sign and return to service provider, and that goes for government agencies and all who draft up those disclaimers...
What do you know…a classic piece of mail about failure to meet end of agreement and the legal actions ensued just arrived. Did they check their files to see the breach of agreement why this amount remains outstanding? They had better get cracking because they will be the one to pay.
And this other service provider who sneaked into my bank account after the termination of services... and it has been a run around to have a refund which one of their administrators agreed was a breach on their part. I am prepared to give them one more followup call and then it is Small Claims court here I come.
I took responsible for my end of the deal. Can you?
I have let too many disputes fall through the cracks and cause unnecessary issues because I did not see the need or merit to work up my blood pressure or lose what money cannot buy or replace and now is time to say, “enough is enough!”
September 14, 2005
The trip to the doctor's office
I still have no idea why the medical centre was closed this evening. I wonder if one of the doctors fell ill and to avoid rescheduling chaos the place was shut down.
Last evening I received my reminder phone call confirming my apppointment, only to hobble all the way there to read a note on the door that says 'medical centre closed. Regular business will resume tomorrow. Sorry for the inconvenience'.
Things happen for a reason and since it has not clicked I can safely admit that I did not miss the reason. Oh well, I am back home safe and sound.
Last evening I received my reminder phone call confirming my apppointment, only to hobble all the way there to read a note on the door that says 'medical centre closed. Regular business will resume tomorrow. Sorry for the inconvenience'.
Things happen for a reason and since it has not clicked I can safely admit that I did not miss the reason. Oh well, I am back home safe and sound.
September 13, 2005
My take on self confidence
I used to believe that I would never amount to anything but with time and each drop of esteem life deposited in my wellness I recognized that the voice of old beliefs were still talking each time these tapes played on in my brain. The fact that I had listened to them over and over for so long made it seem true. That was one of the biggest lie I allowed my self to believe. I did not think that I'd ever recover from this self esteem blow. I did, because with God all things are possible. Many times people do not need meds. What these human spirits need is renewed, restored dignity.
In my reflection about all these recent tests and trials, I see the possible outcome as the answer to my prayer- well one of the many that I have been heating up God's ears with. I finally know what I am on this planet to accomplish. He has given all the qualities that I need but knowing the world I have to present a piece of paper to prove something that can never be key to the work itself. At the rate I am studying it may take a while- that was until I reminded myself that God does not work as acadmia and institutionalized doctirnes dictate. when mindbodysoulspirit align all ordinary laws dissolve.
So I conitnue to stay on course and trust the process of life’s unfolding.
In my reflection about all these recent tests and trials, I see the possible outcome as the answer to my prayer- well one of the many that I have been heating up God's ears with. I finally know what I am on this planet to accomplish. He has given all the qualities that I need but knowing the world I have to present a piece of paper to prove something that can never be key to the work itself. At the rate I am studying it may take a while- that was until I reminded myself that God does not work as acadmia and institutionalized doctirnes dictate. when mindbodysoulspirit align all ordinary laws dissolve.
So I conitnue to stay on course and trust the process of life’s unfolding.
Illusion and its buddies
I used to be afraid. Then I became afraid of being afraid. For quite some time that is all I did- being afraid of being afraid. Fear and its buddies- doubt, ignorance and nervousness- invaded my life and took over my sanity of reality. At first I felt like they were my helpers and friends. My mind encouraged me to believe that I cannot and would not survive without the active meddling in my self management. I tolerated the manipulation and intrusion in all my affairs and decisions.
Big mistake!
The day came when I had enough. My cup of joy and happiness were empty while pain of panic was full to the brim. It was overflowing. That is not what I needed or wanted for myself nor did I wish or intend to pass it on.
I acknowledged my fears- even that was not enough. I had to feel those fears and let me tell you, they were in my bones, in my mind; they were crowding my very being- my soul. That was scary!
The next best idea was to abandon them, only to find them back at the first sign of trouble. They were all too familiar with my coping mechanisms and were always ready to come to my rescue. I expose myself to their tricks. Yet again, their security and comfort zone warranty was unreliable.
At my wits end, I agreed to befriend them for a while for the sake of allowing them to reveal their strategy of assistance since all things happen for a reason that may last a season or live a lifetime.
Sure enough, these ghostly companions began to present to me their full function in my consiousness. Illusions and its buddies were helping me to transform and transmit limitations and assisted me to welcome activities to encourage me to accept that I have wants, I have needs. So instead of denying, ignoring and repressing my emotions, passion and thoughts and responsibility for taking appropriate actions I acknowledge exclaimed my gratitude to all that played havoc with my dignity.
No sooner did I understand their purpose the grip of fear, oblivion, began waving adios mitote as they applaud me for igniting that fuel joyful living.
Big mistake!
The day came when I had enough. My cup of joy and happiness were empty while pain of panic was full to the brim. It was overflowing. That is not what I needed or wanted for myself nor did I wish or intend to pass it on.
I acknowledged my fears- even that was not enough. I had to feel those fears and let me tell you, they were in my bones, in my mind; they were crowding my very being- my soul. That was scary!
The next best idea was to abandon them, only to find them back at the first sign of trouble. They were all too familiar with my coping mechanisms and were always ready to come to my rescue. I expose myself to their tricks. Yet again, their security and comfort zone warranty was unreliable.
At my wits end, I agreed to befriend them for a while for the sake of allowing them to reveal their strategy of assistance since all things happen for a reason that may last a season or live a lifetime.
Sure enough, these ghostly companions began to present to me their full function in my consiousness. Illusions and its buddies were helping me to transform and transmit limitations and assisted me to welcome activities to encourage me to accept that I have wants, I have needs. So instead of denying, ignoring and repressing my emotions, passion and thoughts and responsibility for taking appropriate actions I acknowledge exclaimed my gratitude to all that played havoc with my dignity.
No sooner did I understand their purpose the grip of fear, oblivion, began waving adios mitote as they applaud me for igniting that fuel joyful living.
September 12, 2005
A day in the life of an active artist
Life continues to offer me the encouragement to wakeup what is asleep inside me. the opportunity to use structured sltyle of writing to support the freedom of self expression with impeccability of integrity and respect for life.
The first assignment to do so was not too challenging. Though I had not written poems using the Haiku style I knew about it.
Suffice to say, it pays to practise a few styles. At the same time I must admit that I am glad that I did not wait until this moment to allow my soul to squeal or else I'd missed out on poery wrting as a therapeutic tool.
Break time….
Recess is over…
There I am hours later after having struggled to think and compose a three tanka poems and still enjoy adding my own flavour of creativity.
First of all, today is the first time I ever heard of Tanka as well as the first time I have to compose a poem on a theme suggested by someone else. It is so different composing what does not come thorugh spontaneously.
The good thing is I learnt something new and different.
I better sign out and review my work before I send it off for grading.
Assignments, discussions, and chats are a whooping 40 %! Journal, Portfolio and Presentation- 60%
I have to keep up with my journal. I better get back to collecting my fragmented ideas.
The first assignment to do so was not too challenging. Though I had not written poems using the Haiku style I knew about it.
Suffice to say, it pays to practise a few styles. At the same time I must admit that I am glad that I did not wait until this moment to allow my soul to squeal or else I'd missed out on poery wrting as a therapeutic tool.
Break time….
Recess is over…
There I am hours later after having struggled to think and compose a three tanka poems and still enjoy adding my own flavour of creativity.
First of all, today is the first time I ever heard of Tanka as well as the first time I have to compose a poem on a theme suggested by someone else. It is so different composing what does not come thorugh spontaneously.
The good thing is I learnt something new and different.
I better sign out and review my work before I send it off for grading.
Assignments, discussions, and chats are a whooping 40 %! Journal, Portfolio and Presentation- 60%
I have to keep up with my journal. I better get back to collecting my fragmented ideas.
September 11, 2005
Lemonade-making moments
The teacher shows up when the student is ready to proceed. Sometimes the teacher is available but the students is on a procrastination spree; in which case, the teacher returns at a later date or another teacher appears.
I remind myself of the many times this has happened to me and each time I said, “no more putting things off.” I have had as many reasons as the number of times I played hide and seek with my intentions even when it was obvious that I had played this game way too long. Short-term goals became long term tests.
My biggest goal has been to be an active artist. Many times I dismissed it as not quite possible and I brushed the very realistic activity aside and continued entertaining the sting of seriousness that kept nibbling my soul.
One day I asked myself when would the timing be right?
That was it!
I dismissed Procrastinator, Fear and Doubt.
I began working passionately editing and reviewing my fragmented and fullblown debriefs with Life. Since most of my poems were composed at the time when anger was spewing day in day out, I had to extract their healing balm without taking away the salvation of the message. That took a lot of effort. Life used this channel to reveal the fact that there was still scars and wounds to attend to and hence, more poems to write. Some of them reminded me of my confused state when clarity was a bit obscured. Grammar had gone out the window too.
Once the thoughts and feeling were unmangled the words began to make sense and I began to feel a bit more confident about one day opening the window of my soul and allow the flame of freedom to reignite my spirit so my mind and body can glow!
I began to gather together all my pieces of paper that I had written something that at the time did not make any sense, even to me, yet I felt compelled to jut down. Interestingly I was able to un-juggle those words until they flowed like poetry- mainly free verse and one stanza.
Writing is a talent I give full credit to for its role in restoring clarity and balance to my thoughts, emotions and desires. Wanting to earn my PhD in the passion of eslf expression was something that I somehow already knew Life bestowed me with as my natural unorhtodox style of communication with Cosmos. Because of my willingness to honour this ability, I improve the impeccability of how I use words. written exphasis helped tame the tone of confidence in my voice.
Phew!
That took a long time, gentleness, patience, uncensored self assessment and some friend’s and loved ones along the way.
I did it! Life also used this path to assist me in practising self discipline.
I know there is more to learn and I am ready to learn even more with each moment- of each moment- in each moment because personnaly I am convinced that sticking with the detrmination to grow offers room for optimal aliveness
Joy of Self Expression
What took me so long to get this blog on a roll?
My mind was still having a bit of trouble accepting that it has a lot of wisdom to share. Ever since the venom of the sting of seriousness seeped in to the mind it developed the side effect of conducting itself in a state of apprehension of what people think of me.
The inkling that is always working with me right along side the inner critic continued to helped me treat mind with dignity and respect by raising its potency of silence.
I clearly recall the day inner critic had enough of mind’s determination to put apprehension in proper perspective. I felt a vibration in my innermost being. The brain translated it loud and clear.
Do you not want to know the real you? Brokenness, brokeness and all answered in gusto, “yes”
I rekindled the zeal for wriitng, for a very long time I kept referring to it as a hobby. It was okay to begin by calling it that but five years ago when it began to manifest into an achievabe goal I should have recognized it for what it was becoming.
I suppose the fact that I kept writing even more after each bit of doubt crept up was a sure sign that the desire had not gone. It is either that or the intention failed to take not yet for an answer. For every reason I thought the timing sucked, or that the dream was just too big for me, I had ten reasons to go ahead so I took out the mask and came face to face with whom I am.
The wind of change did a real number on me when it uncovered all my layers of dross and made me take a good look at who I am beneath the dust.
A powerful person full of production and potential possibilities!
September 10, 2005
Keep it up Mother Nature
I just came in from my balcony. Oh what a great city night view from the eighteenth floor facing east.
Let me tell you. Watching the sunset may be an aaahhh moment…that is until that same sun goes to sleep and rises as it announces the dawn of another day and invites me to share the day with it....pirceless!
The smog tries to compete with the clouds and the manmade lights tries to out shine the beautiful sight. That's tough competition. To crown it all September temperatures have been fantastic.
Keep it up Mother Nature.
Let me tell you. Watching the sunset may be an aaahhh moment…that is until that same sun goes to sleep and rises as it announces the dawn of another day and invites me to share the day with it....pirceless!
The smog tries to compete with the clouds and the manmade lights tries to out shine the beautiful sight. That's tough competition. To crown it all September temperatures have been fantastic.
Keep it up Mother Nature.
My first online course
Never say, never! I have since learnt that this is making a mockery of God with whom all things are possible!
How many times have I reminded people of that or, stopped them in the middle of saying " not me… I am too old, too dunce, always failing, yardy yardy yardy!"
Well I ate my own words or should I say that I minced them up when I registered for my first online course. The choice for an online course was not an issue but online study for a student who had always been a classroom learner...
I tell you! It sure pays to widen one's scope and invite more possibility from endless impossibility moments.
I raise my glass of Club Soda and say, “way to go girl!”
How many times have I reminded people of that or, stopped them in the middle of saying " not me… I am too old, too dunce, always failing, yardy yardy yardy!"
Well I ate my own words or should I say that I minced them up when I registered for my first online course. The choice for an online course was not an issue but online study for a student who had always been a classroom learner...
I tell you! It sure pays to widen one's scope and invite more possibility from endless impossibility moments.
I raise my glass of Club Soda and say, “way to go girl!”
September 09, 2005
Duty of yes and power of no
Expectation full of many pitfalls and disappointments often led me to search for a path where reality can assist me to let go of what I think is ideal reality or should be ideal or reality.
The cosmos chuckled when a morsel of mosaic majesty came to terms with the fusion of ancient modern and modern ancient in current condition and apply this wisdom and knowledge to living and absorbing meaning from each event and breath of Life
That’s just how it is!
September 08, 2005
What Can I do?
September 07, 2005
To All My Helpers
The past six months has been an ordeal that intensified my conscious awareness of what has since been the beginning of an improved way of living. Of course, already there has been much to learn from the physical challenge that showed up rather abruptly. Taking time off - indefinitely- was a good commitment to attending to myself. When my feet felt like it wanted to drill a hole in the ground with each step I took to the point where my leg wanted to eject from its socket. I knew that I had to find out what was going on to cause such throbbing. Days of aches turned into sleepless nights.
Whatever, whatever it is was- was something to not ignore the day I woke up and could not walk even one step nor feel I had legs. Months later, there I am with a diagnosis that I never expected and yet this is what has made me embark on a journey that requires more healing than a cure can suffice. As much as I wanted to blame the universe and blaspheme the divine for its rude wake up call, which confirmed that my body was silently succumbing to wear and tear and my oblivion of the adverse effect of everyday stress, I decided to be more attentive to my body’s way of communicating its needs.
Many helpers offered assistance in some form or another and that was the most poignant reassurance that made the silver lining appear a little brighter in the dark tunnel of a diagnosis that I was not ready to accept nor the need for surgical intervention to repair the ruptured discs that deteriorated the nerve root.
So here’s to all who reach out with kindness and affection. The next few months before surgery is a bit more bearable because of you and my agreement to honour life and the body it considers home.
Whatever, whatever it is was- was something to not ignore the day I woke up and could not walk even one step nor feel I had legs. Months later, there I am with a diagnosis that I never expected and yet this is what has made me embark on a journey that requires more healing than a cure can suffice. As much as I wanted to blame the universe and blaspheme the divine for its rude wake up call, which confirmed that my body was silently succumbing to wear and tear and my oblivion of the adverse effect of everyday stress, I decided to be more attentive to my body’s way of communicating its needs.
Many helpers offered assistance in some form or another and that was the most poignant reassurance that made the silver lining appear a little brighter in the dark tunnel of a diagnosis that I was not ready to accept nor the need for surgical intervention to repair the ruptured discs that deteriorated the nerve root.
So here’s to all who reach out with kindness and affection. The next few months before surgery is a bit more bearable because of you and my agreement to honour life and the body it considers home.
September 06, 2005
Hosana
The way God decided to give me a push so I can make it through the eye of a needle makes me wonder if the ‘slow to anger’ God was infuriated or excited
It’s hard to tell if that is why the camel decided to push itself and sprint through the loop with such ease. Maybe that is what impressed Jesus so much to make him exclaim that it is much easier for a camel to enter heaven. I really appreciate not having to wait to prove that it is easier to attain everlasting life after doomsday and conversely it seem that it took doomsday to get God to personally save me since Jesus was in his own refiner’s fire
All I know is God has ways of doing things or not doing things that encourages me to follow the psalmists’ style of praising and lamenting.
It’s hard to tell if that is why the camel decided to push itself and sprint through the loop with such ease. Maybe that is what impressed Jesus so much to make him exclaim that it is much easier for a camel to enter heaven. I really appreciate not having to wait to prove that it is easier to attain everlasting life after doomsday and conversely it seem that it took doomsday to get God to personally save me since Jesus was in his own refiner’s fire
All I know is God has ways of doing things or not doing things that encourages me to follow the psalmists’ style of praising and lamenting.