Making it through the day

To hold on to you until each storm is over and to remain in your presence forever: I have made a breakthrough that is what I call transfiguration.

Step by step I remove the layers of dross as I come face to face with who I am beneath the dust
I learnt humility so I could gain strength I accept your plan and trust the process when my work is done you will take me through it alive, well and whole and so it is!

Laying my life at your feet and being at your disposal is the commitment you require; dying to my self is the only way you can use me, melt me, bless me and bless others. Many times along the way, I backed out of your plan. It seemed like the right thing to do because your request was too difficult and at times you were too demanding. It just felt easier to do what I please or do as others expect because for some reason it was easier to accomplish. Except that all this while I was robbing myself of the joy of living my very own life.

Knowing that you sometimes let me have my way without twisting my arms made me confident in you and myself but it was not long before I scurried back to you and you are always waiting. What did I expect? You knew that moment would come so you just waited patiently and other times when I broke the curfew you made that You disciplined me. Wow! Decades later I am convinced that your expectations were sometimes too high but now I know that is because you want only the best for me. Then and only then will all the rest fall in line. Ahha! I remmebr that this was when I allowed myself to get close enough to you to hear you whisper my name and stared intently into my eyes as you reminded me of your love. I was really beside myself that day! Now and then I feel like backing away but I know better than to yield to this temptation.

Interestingly I have noticed that when I used to feel like this I used to deal with the anxiety by snatching my life from God and deal with it. Now I just let him do what he wants for I am aware that God is working in my life in a way I never imagined.

I recall the days when I wanted nothing to do with you,God... a god of rage, of mischievous jokes someone who was waiting to plunge the dagger. Ouch! I can just imagine how many tears that God shed on me... tears of understanding of forgiveness and of love. Had he not given the many chances he did I would be no more. This gav me a new perspective on and a deeper desire for holiness as well as a greater longing for intimacy with God

This is more than enough reason to forgive others and myself. But how do I get over the pain stands tall like a giant in my mind. I know that I have release the pain and the persons who did the hurting in the process of doing the best that they could but sometimes I feel that it best to not allow anyone to cross my boundaries. It sometimes felt like I have made a cruel decision. Too many times I thought that to allow people to have their way with my life and freedom was to win their trust and love but each time I did a part of me was full of anger and rage. A rage that made me lash at you God instead of at them and I not only closed them out I shut you right out. What a life. Now I have built this protective wall around myself. It sometimes feels like a prison but without the shackles. Just when I thought that I had let them go- the pain and the ones whom I feel were trespassers- I am haunted with feelings of being stuck in a cage of resentment.

I suppose I had a tangled perception of the meaning of forgiveness. One day I will have grown enough to shed the illusions that shroud my debating mind on this subject.

I am on the path of enlightenment and I choose to no longer resist what you need me to do for I know that you created me to be a Dazzling Light. And I am worth it!