Lately that is all I have been doing with God- more than I would be proud to admit yet honest enough to not deny.
I even feel like his eye is on the sparrow much more than on me; and this is enough to make me put my feet down.
The way God sometimes decides to do things just doesn’t seat well with my ideas and this is causing a lot of rift between us. I even got to the point where I threatened to escalate our estrangement. Oh well, I just feel like it is high time I stopped dancing around the subject. My pagan self is on a high roll and very adamant at closing the door on our affairs and brief encounters which is what His presence had been feeling like lately as I lay burning in the heat of the Sahara Desert moment of my life on the road of narrow crossing that the bible claims is not treaded on by many.
I thought long, hard and deep as to why not many people make it and it could be they may have gotten discouraged by this ‘downer’ found in the very book where God laid all his promises. Go figure why few make it! They probably got faint hearted before they even started. Well is it any wonder I am on this rampant riot with this God. Too many things are unclear.
It is one thing to expect a new born to trust; however, when God is expecting blind trust from someone who had been bruised, burned, deceived and betrayed all because of blind trust and fragile faith God must not have realized how much a burned child wondered where the heck he is.
After a while trusting God just because he says to and not giving any evidence that it is worth it can be very, very disheartening to someone who keeps giving God another chance and another chance until one day it seem like this God seem to be made of stone. Either that or stakes are getting higher and higher before he gives me a glimpse the size I ask for, of what is in store.
I tell you when God said that it was easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle I was this close to wishing I were that camel and praying that the eye of that needle to be bigger than the eye of a storm. That would do it!
Still I do not want to be a camel to prove God is always right because that would mean that I have no say in how I like my eggs or bacon; either that or saying that nothing will not make him love me less or take away blessings from me is a big fake. Sometimes I am convinced that I am smitten with the wrong God and even very inclined to dismiss this belief that there is a God out there who could care one bit how I make it through the day or how many of his children make it through the days of not enough or barely enough!
Well I have been reminded over and over as far back as when I was able to identify speeches and preaching that God does not like people who talk to him or treat him in a certain tone such as I have been dishing out to him lately; well too bad because I do not appreciate that he wants to call all the shots all the time either.
One day God will have everything transcribed in plain language, no guessing no wondering what He expects of me. Until then I will just go along my merry way and believe that some day, I will believe, totally believe that there is this God who will give me all my heart's desire, this God who says he has plan to prosper me and not to destroy me and obviously not destroy my dreams- I will one day know this God when he comes out from hiding, and believe him, without a shadow of a doubt when I actually reach that milestone like the three Hebrew brother's, Daniel and the countless biblical characters!
For now, call me Doubting Thomas or Stoned Stephen but that’s about as big as my mustard seed size faith is today!
And God knows!
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