Thank you God for knowing my very heart and for keeping your eye on me even when I question that this is so! Indeed there are days when all I do is beg for your reassurance that you really love me and will never leave me helpless and undesirable. This seems to be hard-wired idea I have of you in one of my brain cells and somehow is wearing away at my sanity and faith. Is there any way that you can remove this false belief about myself, and how I conjure you at times? It is especially intense when I cannot determine or differenciate God’s diciplines from the devil’s advocate. Frankly they seem to be one and the same! I ran out of ideas on how to pray for Wisdom! So how do I know, God, how do I know?
Somedays that is more challenging...enormously challenging. Stating my deep and utter state of confusion that results from trying to filter God through theological perspectives, religious dogmas and seeing and or understanding God through the eyes of christians and even pagans, defines me as disowning God. In God’s eye I know that is far from true yet I still feel this disconcerting desire to lash out at God for being so complex in its own simple way!
However, I freely choose to believe that there is a higher state of being, God, and despite my doubt about its description or purpose for my life and in my life, I have faith that God exists and that God is good and nothing I do can really severe our connection or make him withdraw love, blessings or divine intervention- Haphakh, if you will.
Experiencing God for myself is imperative and I am at a point where I dare set out my own terms on which I relate to and understand God; otherwise God will have to resurrect my dad’s body and send him at my home to prove a point to me just like Jesus’ nail pierced hands and side gave doubting Thomas the shock that melted his disbelief.
Suffice to say, I will choose to wrestle with God until I feel the peace that passes all understanding; instead of confining or worse, abandoning my belief and beat myself to a pulp for doing so!
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