The next time I feel an unexplained peace amidst my suffering I may understand why.
The following is a glimpse of the journey that led me to building a relationship with God. There are times I was too angry with God to talk to him- something that seem ‘normal’ as this was what’s poisoned the health of my family’s relationship. At least they had each other when they were too angry to see eye to eye and hear me clearly, I was no exception
For years I have been bargaining with God, my life and its sanity as I try to make it on my own.
The ones I substituted God for had no clue how much I had to give up in order to take care of their critical factors. The more I poured my soul into the work as undertaker, rescuer and caregiver the less of my self I gained and the angrier I was with God. “Is that the only reason for being on your planet God?” I remember questioning his reason for creating me as I imagined the look on his face. “You must be enjoying this eh God”? Well that is what I used to think. I did not know what else to think or rather I had no good thoughts or images of him despite all the beautiful paintings that surrounded me.
I could not understand the vicious circle. I kept spinning out of control. What more do I have to sacrifice to live and enjoy the life you gifted me with. You have a plan for my life but come to think of it; it is for your purpose and that may very mean a life of trials. Oh well I suppose that makes it easier to understand the events.
In order to make sense of what was going on I had to honour my self and that included whatever I felt. It took a lot of talking to God and endless self-talk before I stopped beating up on myself. Some days I just didn’t get it. I thank God for being the author of my life and for encouraging me to narrate it.
The following is a glimpse of the journey that led me to building a relationship with God. There are times I was too angry with God to talk to him- something that seem ‘normal’ as this was what’s poisoned the health of my family’s relationship. At least they had each other when they were too angry to see eye to eye and hear me clearly, I was no exception
For years I have been bargaining with God, my life and its sanity as I try to make it on my own.
The ones I substituted God for had no clue how much I had to give up in order to take care of their critical factors. The more I poured my soul into the work as undertaker, rescuer and caregiver the less of my self I gained and the angrier I was with God. “Is that the only reason for being on your planet God?” I remember questioning his reason for creating me as I imagined the look on his face. “You must be enjoying this eh God”? Well that is what I used to think. I did not know what else to think or rather I had no good thoughts or images of him despite all the beautiful paintings that surrounded me.
I could not understand the vicious circle. I kept spinning out of control. What more do I have to sacrifice to live and enjoy the life you gifted me with. You have a plan for my life but come to think of it; it is for your purpose and that may very mean a life of trials. Oh well I suppose that makes it easier to understand the events.
In order to make sense of what was going on I had to honour my self and that included whatever I felt. It took a lot of talking to God and endless self-talk before I stopped beating up on myself. Some days I just didn’t get it. I thank God for being the author of my life and for encouraging me to narrate it.
It was not so much the fear of the unknown that I carried in my emotional knapsack. It was a battered self esteem, fear of the wrath of God and not particularly fear of God, sense of helplessness, worthlessness; mistrust and the deadliest of all was the anger or rather the toxic shame. I did not trust to allow anyone to take a peek in my knapsack because I did not need the burden of judgement added to the already heavy load and anguish.
….So much is bubbling to the surface….until next time….
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