I was so tired of keeping quiet and feeling like a failure and another helpless person and the thought of thinking of myself like that did no good to me or anyone else. I knew that oblivion has right;y served its purpose in my personal domain of life. It is just that it felt like too much of a struggle to change- too much of struggle to change and too much of a struggle to not change. A case of constipated consciousness, if I say so myself.
Uncomfortable as it was to jump on the bandwagon it seems to have felt like the best choice during the corralling course of civilization . It got people off my back and helped keep the peace. Ironically though, I did not particularly care who like me although I did everything to ensure that everyone was happy.
Afterall, odd is just the way I like me and how I function impeccably me and when that didn’t make too many happy I chose the Atlas pose and somehow still managed to make myself happy being me.
The idea of self-acceptance seemed very shallow at first. What is there to accept when all I was becoming is bits and scraps of everybody. When do I choose to be this person or that character seemed out of my control? Why can’t I be the person I was created to be? That is what bothered me for a very long time. It bothered me until I chose to let it go before it finished me off. That question almost drove me to my grave and I almost let it.
If I were to spend my life being a chameleon I would be better off in the wild. I felt like anything but civilized. How do I begin to be civilized? That was the last thing I cared to learn. I was too busy finding out about things that were more important to me. Not much to go by other than the bare stub like the overgrown roots that made its way above soil. The core was still beyond reach. After years of ‘digging’ for information I thought was very relevant to knowing who I am I decided heck with how life created me and how I am to endure until ad infinitum ressurects me and I meet God face to face and go, yuck and still feel loved like I always knew immortal living love.
Why I was the way I was and why I am the way I appear to be may not even make it on the agenda when I arrive alive in intrinsic heaven. The part of me that was too precious to sacrifice did not need the details to go on. It had become like a burnt offering that God did not need. It loves me without it and unconditionally accepted my humble heart and so I proceed…
Uncomfortable as it was to jump on the bandwagon it seems to have felt like the best choice during the corralling course of civilization . It got people off my back and helped keep the peace. Ironically though, I did not particularly care who like me although I did everything to ensure that everyone was happy.
Afterall, odd is just the way I like me and how I function impeccably me and when that didn’t make too many happy I chose the Atlas pose and somehow still managed to make myself happy being me.
The idea of self-acceptance seemed very shallow at first. What is there to accept when all I was becoming is bits and scraps of everybody. When do I choose to be this person or that character seemed out of my control? Why can’t I be the person I was created to be? That is what bothered me for a very long time. It bothered me until I chose to let it go before it finished me off. That question almost drove me to my grave and I almost let it.
If I were to spend my life being a chameleon I would be better off in the wild. I felt like anything but civilized. How do I begin to be civilized? That was the last thing I cared to learn. I was too busy finding out about things that were more important to me. Not much to go by other than the bare stub like the overgrown roots that made its way above soil. The core was still beyond reach. After years of ‘digging’ for information I thought was very relevant to knowing who I am I decided heck with how life created me and how I am to endure until ad infinitum ressurects me and I meet God face to face and go, yuck and still feel loved like I always knew immortal living love.
Why I was the way I was and why I am the way I appear to be may not even make it on the agenda when I arrive alive in intrinsic heaven. The part of me that was too precious to sacrifice did not need the details to go on. It had become like a burnt offering that God did not need. It loves me without it and unconditionally accepted my humble heart and so I proceed…
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