Burdens heavier than Jesus’ Cross

Too many times, self-disclosure meant more torture to my ‘shrinked’ sense of integrity and dignity and violation of my boundaries, not that there were many and the few that I upheld were not mine to begin with but I clung unto them out of lack of trusting my own intuition. For instance: Tell me what god would punish a child who was too sick to kneel and pray or who attended Sunday school from another religious sect; or someone who went to a party before or after church service or Sunday school, and have the courage to entertain the sensible folks in the community with a little live performance when it was simple a way of releasing stress and spreading some peace and joy. Healthy modes of stress relief and God I would like to know if the person who brought me hope and trust should be abandoned because of religion, the world, or family view of dating/relationship as deem right in God’s eyes. Or that God gave someone else orders to join the convent against my own heart’s originalness of serving this same God Life used to be so rigid yet the challenges of those moments made me look forward to the day when I would no longer need to be afraid to speak up. To my surprise, the time is here but I have difficulty expressing myself calmly. I suppress the anger- knowing jolly well that this is not the best anger management. Re-enacting my source is this voice. I still risk people getting angry with me especially when I speak my mind- the truth. I have difficulty expressing happiness without crying so sometime I have people confused- my smiles are genuine because all along that was one of my giftedness of authenticity love; but the minute someone ‘steps on my toe’ hell breaks loose- I suppose that is what the DSM-IV describes and manic episodes. Too bad! I have to cry if I have to without anyone asking me to shut up or else… I make my point- the dumbest or smartest and I am fine. I just like to express myself. Sometimes feel I go to the other extreme. Self-disclosure and choice were things I craved to practise. Communication is something I appreciate, verbal and nonverbal. I especially like the nonverbal, it tells me exactly what is being said. I will then try to deal with the pain. I know that I am not perfect because as David reminds me in Psalms 8:5-6: ’God made me a little lower than himself”. He also says that ‘God gave me dominion over all things’. Knowing my capacity can be a scary thought but I know that I am not doing it alone I am doing with the one with whom and through whom all things are possible. I have to stand out of my way and so does everyone else and that includes misconceptions. I set my limits and if they are not practical I am the one to review and edit it. I set my boundaries and God is the only who can trespass its limits because from what I know about him he has no limits. I love that! I remember the day I went in for sever pain two weeks after it began. The more I told the family about the intensity of my pain the more I was told that it was nothing and it would go away, even after losing so many nights sleep and not able to keep anything in. the doctor was chanting a different tune.... So I know pain, I know disease. I know the consequence of dismissing my intuitive integrity and I am happy that ad infinitum exists to support the healing of my mindbodysoulspirit while very much alive. I do not have to die to trust my gut or cooperate with Universe Where is all this coming from? I thought that I had successfully buried them until eternity to discuss with God eyeball to eyeball!