The events that led me to surrender to God and become best friends with Her
I have come to realize and accept that I am responsible for my now, knowing that my future is best directed by God. I am also responsible for how I almost allowed the past to determine and undermine my present circumstances. Most times I did things on my own instead of with my friend, God. You see after doing everything as expected to I went to the other extreme. I wanted no one to influence my choice; not even God! I must say that I would have not made it to this intersection had I not dismiss the teachings and vision of a god who never was more than other people’s illusion- a god who never existed. How could I not have discarded God from my life when all she used to do was punish, punish and punish. Who needs a god like that in their lives? Certainly, not me!
So I went my merry way doing things that I suppose were testing God’s love for me. I totally ignored any contact he tried making with me. All his attempts seem like he was anything but on my side. How could the God who loves me so much be so much against me? There is no way that this creature loves me.
The sad thing is that all that time I was punishing my spirit- burying my soul in anguish as I lamented the thought of not being good enough to receive even a glimpse of my Creator.
Was I wrong!
I know now that he was the only one always there. He just had the scariest way of showing up.
Now I am grateful for those circumstances because they helped me to recognize the presence of omnipotence within me. I now understand, that ‘from the darkness comes the light’ and “from the darkest nights come the brightest days”.
It is for this reason that I have become smitten with the God who cares, the God who heals, the God who will never forsake me.
I do not plan on dismissing the years spent in agony or the experience while living in the valley of desolation, but I still feel a bit disappointed about not accepting that treasure that had been residing within me all that time.
I suppose she waited patiently; knowing that I will sooner than later, find her. Maybe that is what was consoling me, as I became more and more patient with myself while my affairs continue to unfold in divine order. Oftentimes I threw my arms up in despair, a habit I had adopted back in the days when I thought that was what gave me one more chance at loving myself and more importantly one more chance to gain God’s love and attention. It was great news to learn that I did not have to do anything to win her favour. That was the biggest consolation because I was tired of trying to please everyone. They may have sometimes like me for it but I hated them for doing so and I hated myself and I despised God for all of it.
I know that what matters most is that the god who is projected as harsh and cruel was just a pigment of someone’s imagination. I wonder if that would explain why I ran away so many times. I ran away from the dreaded spirits who imposed brutal punishment, crippling fear and almost damaged trust and I ran to God; the one I thought I was running away from.
In spite of the deadly resentment towards God, I still feel that I had to keep the line of communication open- at least with Her. I had lost all sense of worth and did not have the confidence to look God or any authority figure in the face without the temptation to wish them dead.
I searched for truth and that is what led me to God. To accomplish that I had to constantly pray and stay in God’s Word. I used to write to that little something that used to strum the strings of my heart. I did not know what it was but I know that it made me feel better and that encouraged me to press on…but why?
I share that next time....but for now I will say this!
I have come to realize and accept that I am responsible for my now, knowing that my future is best directed by God. I am also responsible for how I almost allowed the past to determine and undermine my present circumstances. Most times I did things on my own instead of with my friend, God. You see after doing everything as expected to I went to the other extreme. I wanted no one to influence my choice; not even God! I must say that I would have not made it to this intersection had I not dismiss the teachings and vision of a god who never was more than other people’s illusion- a god who never existed. How could I not have discarded God from my life when all she used to do was punish, punish and punish. Who needs a god like that in their lives? Certainly, not me!
So I went my merry way doing things that I suppose were testing God’s love for me. I totally ignored any contact he tried making with me. All his attempts seem like he was anything but on my side. How could the God who loves me so much be so much against me? There is no way that this creature loves me.
The sad thing is that all that time I was punishing my spirit- burying my soul in anguish as I lamented the thought of not being good enough to receive even a glimpse of my Creator.
Was I wrong!
I know now that he was the only one always there. He just had the scariest way of showing up.
Now I am grateful for those circumstances because they helped me to recognize the presence of omnipotence within me. I now understand, that ‘from the darkness comes the light’ and “from the darkest nights come the brightest days”.
It is for this reason that I have become smitten with the God who cares, the God who heals, the God who will never forsake me.
I do not plan on dismissing the years spent in agony or the experience while living in the valley of desolation, but I still feel a bit disappointed about not accepting that treasure that had been residing within me all that time.
I suppose she waited patiently; knowing that I will sooner than later, find her. Maybe that is what was consoling me, as I became more and more patient with myself while my affairs continue to unfold in divine order. Oftentimes I threw my arms up in despair, a habit I had adopted back in the days when I thought that was what gave me one more chance at loving myself and more importantly one more chance to gain God’s love and attention. It was great news to learn that I did not have to do anything to win her favour. That was the biggest consolation because I was tired of trying to please everyone. They may have sometimes like me for it but I hated them for doing so and I hated myself and I despised God for all of it.
I know that what matters most is that the god who is projected as harsh and cruel was just a pigment of someone’s imagination. I wonder if that would explain why I ran away so many times. I ran away from the dreaded spirits who imposed brutal punishment, crippling fear and almost damaged trust and I ran to God; the one I thought I was running away from.
In spite of the deadly resentment towards God, I still feel that I had to keep the line of communication open- at least with Her. I had lost all sense of worth and did not have the confidence to look God or any authority figure in the face without the temptation to wish them dead.
I searched for truth and that is what led me to God. To accomplish that I had to constantly pray and stay in God’s Word. I used to write to that little something that used to strum the strings of my heart. I did not know what it was but I know that it made me feel better and that encouraged me to press on…but why?
I share that next time....but for now I will say this!
Press on the journey of Life
No comments:
Post a Comment