Deadly Trap

Being afraid to let people know the real me was the biggest hoax and hex that toxic shame and the false self used to pollute my life.

Negative self talk inflamed by those who themselves were suffering the same malady made it seem anything but fake and deceiving!

This made my genuine grandiose shrink and almost disappeared; or so the lack of self worth implied. The mediated self began taking grounds in its futile war to evaporate my soul and quench my holiness.

I kept feeding the source of this cunning thief and of course this just made me more gullible. I stopped thinking for myself and feeling for myself, and well; I almost stopped living for myself… oh evay!

I felt like is running out and so I spun myself in a web of despair and succumbed almost succumb to that dreadful day when God will pull up my scroll and start questioning what I did with my thirty pieces of silver.

People who set trap for others get caught in it themselves…. My eyes became like saucers when I read Solomon testimony; he always have a way of creping into my subconscious and dig up some adopted habit that still plagues my good efforts. I stopped giving other people like life to do with as they please or as they allowed others to do with theirs. I passed back what I could and tossed out what I couldn’t but needed to let go because there is no way I wanted it anymore nor do I intend to pass on the baton of strife and struggle of living or rather existing in a state of constant dilemma of what I want and why I needed it.

When I want to do something for myself and my thoughts (desire) stops abruptly to check in with my programmed brain cells, I immediately put on my ‘what would God do’ helmet and this activates the tiny voice and it becomes very loud and clear as to whether I want something or someone else would approve of me if I did not want that something.

I am still working on reducing the frequency when this clutter of archaic voices of how things ought to be continued from my ancestry interfere with the legend that God set out for me to pass on to my descendants.

The Serenity Prayer is making this goal much more attainable. So here’s to the brilliant and courageous theologian Reinhold Niebuhr who knew that this was his only way out and he triumphed!

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change
Courage to change the things that I can
Wisdom to know the difference”

I have stepped out of the entrapment of looking back that seemed like the hardest step only that was the easiest one. Keeping up the daily grind of life management requires daily doses or renewed commitment to continue doing what I know is best for me and I provide the best care that I can without giving up my life in the process of making sure everyone is okay. I call this getting out the deadly trap of lack of self awareness and self responsibility.

Bye, bye mystified love; hello Agape!