Light in the tunnel

I finally found out the piece of myself that was missing in history. I was already so full of anger; that was the reason for keeping the answers to my questions from me. This, I believe, was the beginning of self-acceptance. The events that led me up to this point are so many. I just could not get it! All these opportunities it took before I was able to accept that letting go was not defeat or cowardice and that I never had anything to prove or anyone to prove right, wrong, good or bad

I did not have to live a life like damaged goods waiting to be tossed in the composter or worse, in the garbage bin; or a rejected product that did not meet the mark of perfection. Like every one else I was well versed in the business of blaming and attacking. It always felt like a tug of war with myself and some days I felt like a peanut in a chestnut shell and other times I felt like a kidney bean in a lentil pod. When I arrived in Canada it was not long before I began feeling like winter in summer. Running away doe s not make healing automatic! So it was a real challenge and very magnificent battle!

I have come to realize that the problem was not so much what happened but how I allowed the experiences to determine who I am- to write my story. Who can live that way and not feel out of place and behave out of order

God's Intensive Care

The longing of knowing and, of being myself resonates with the Universe. Trusting that the stairs to heaven are there even when I have no clue where to find them, I step out knowing that Mother Nature will support me and always ready to catch me when I fall, I proceed. I admitted myself to God’s Intensive Care.

I let my sprit guide me, fully aware that some times I have no clue what I am doing or supposed to be doing. I know that God will direct my paths and use the detours as lesson breaks and of course full time discipline. He always leaves my integrity in tact. He never adds more poison to the infested area. Instead of the hammer of the burden of judgement, he uses his gentleness to breath new life into the troubled spots of my being.

I do not know how long it will take him however I know that with him time stands still when he is attending to his lost sheep.

The prodding of the rod and the strokes of his staff is well worth setting aside my hurry up banner and let Soul love me. All I have to do is to love myself like she loves me.

My glass window

I was so tired of keeping quiet and feeling like a failure and another helpless person and the thought of thinking of myself like that did no good to me or anyone else. I knew that oblivion has right;y served its purpose in my personal domain of life. It is just that it felt like too much of a struggle to change- too much of struggle to change and too much of a struggle to not change. A case of constipated consciousness, if I say so myself.

Uncomfortable as it was to jump on the bandwagon it seems to have felt like the best choice during the corralling course of civilization . It got people off my back and helped keep the peace. Ironically though, I did not particularly care who like me although I did everything to ensure that everyone was happy.

Afterall, odd is just the way I like me and how I function impeccably me and when that didn’t make too many happy I chose the Atlas pose and somehow still managed to make myself happy being me.

The idea of self-acceptance seemed very shallow at first. What is there to accept when all I was becoming is bits and scraps of everybody. When do I choose to be this person or that character seemed out of my control? Why can’t I be the person I was created to be? That is what bothered me for a very long time. It bothered me until I chose to let it go before it finished me off. That question almost drove me to my grave and I almost let it.

If I were to spend my life being a chameleon I would be better off in the wild. I felt like anything but civilized. How do I begin to be civilized? That was the last thing I cared to learn. I was too busy finding out about things that were more important to me. Not much to go by other than the bare stub like the overgrown roots that made its way above soil. The core was still beyond reach. After years of ‘digging’ for information I thought was very relevant to knowing who I am I decided heck with how life created me and how I am to endure until ad infinitum ressurects me and I meet God face to face and go, yuck and still feel loved like I always knew immortal living love.

Why I was the way I was and why I am the way I appear to be may not even make it on the agenda when I arrive alive in intrinsic heaven. The part of me that was too precious to sacrifice did not need the details to go on. It had become like a burnt offering that God did not need. It loves me without it and unconditionally accepted my humble heart and so I proceed…

Disguised destination

Being in Canada is my haven and I have chosen to make it home in spite of the hardships of the daily business of living. It is there that I learnt life experiences, most times on my own—how? By making mistakes and hugging the complimentary resources that assisted me in making decisions on my own- by now that part was easy because I lost trust in all authority. I was authority as far as I am concerned. I went in circles. Got dizzy and decided that life experience is everywhere and where I am I am I almost got back to square one…almost.

Phew! I made more self-destruction in nine years that I am glad I did. Like Christ I broke down the temple and It took me more than threes year to rebuild but who cares. God does not calculate time like I know it in this planet. Anyway. There was no judge and the ones who played god I did not care to honour. I really do not need their burden of judgment. I had to put that in my pipe and smoke it because I was one of my worst critics. God has forgiven us all and that is all that matters. It is easier to forgive other than ones self and that I can attest to. The consolation is that little by little I forgive myself as not doing so was worst than death!

I now come to terms with the true, deeper meaning of such sayings.

I began accepting that people behaved either in ways they thought were best, or out of fear of being punished for doing what’s best. Sometimes I think they behaved out of ignorance. They were afraid to question, to reason and most of all to challenge. They were too petrified to make waves.

That was not my reason for immigrating; I left home only to find that wherever I am indeed is home- same struggles accepted with a different attitude revealed the purpose I unconsciously yet determinedly embarked on and so far, it is all worth it!

Burdens heavier than Jesus’ Cross

Too many times, self-disclosure meant more torture to my ‘shrinked’ sense of integrity and dignity and violation of my boundaries, not that there were many and the few that I upheld were not mine to begin with but I clung unto them out of lack of trusting my own intuition. For instance: Tell me what god would punish a child who was too sick to kneel and pray or who attended Sunday school from another religious sect; or someone who went to a party before or after church service or Sunday school, and have the courage to entertain the sensible folks in the community with a little live performance when it was simple a way of releasing stress and spreading some peace and joy. Healthy modes of stress relief and God I would like to know if the person who brought me hope and trust should be abandoned because of religion, the world, or family view of dating/relationship as deem right in God’s eyes. Or that God gave someone else orders to join the convent against my own heart’s originalness of serving this same God Life used to be so rigid yet the challenges of those moments made me look forward to the day when I would no longer need to be afraid to speak up. To my surprise, the time is here but I have difficulty expressing myself calmly. I suppress the anger- knowing jolly well that this is not the best anger management. Re-enacting my source is this voice. I still risk people getting angry with me especially when I speak my mind- the truth. I have difficulty expressing happiness without crying so sometime I have people confused- my smiles are genuine because all along that was one of my giftedness of authenticity love; but the minute someone ‘steps on my toe’ hell breaks loose- I suppose that is what the DSM-IV describes and manic episodes. Too bad! I have to cry if I have to without anyone asking me to shut up or else… I make my point- the dumbest or smartest and I am fine. I just like to express myself. Sometimes feel I go to the other extreme. Self-disclosure and choice were things I craved to practise. Communication is something I appreciate, verbal and nonverbal. I especially like the nonverbal, it tells me exactly what is being said. I will then try to deal with the pain. I know that I am not perfect because as David reminds me in Psalms 8:5-6: ’God made me a little lower than himself”. He also says that ‘God gave me dominion over all things’. Knowing my capacity can be a scary thought but I know that I am not doing it alone I am doing with the one with whom and through whom all things are possible. I have to stand out of my way and so does everyone else and that includes misconceptions. I set my limits and if they are not practical I am the one to review and edit it. I set my boundaries and God is the only who can trespass its limits because from what I know about him he has no limits. I love that! I remember the day I went in for sever pain two weeks after it began. The more I told the family about the intensity of my pain the more I was told that it was nothing and it would go away, even after losing so many nights sleep and not able to keep anything in. the doctor was chanting a different tune.... So I know pain, I know disease. I know the consequence of dismissing my intuitive integrity and I am happy that ad infinitum exists to support the healing of my mindbodysoulspirit while very much alive. I do not have to die to trust my gut or cooperate with Universe Where is all this coming from? I thought that I had successfully buried them until eternity to discuss with God eyeball to eyeball!

Time to release a little more of me to the world…

The next time I feel an unexplained peace amidst my suffering I may understand why.

The following is a glimpse of the journey that led me to building a relationship with God. There are times I was too angry with God to talk to him- something that seem ‘normal’ as this was what’s poisoned the health of my family’s relationship. At least they had each other when they were too angry to see eye to eye and hear me clearly, I was no exception

For years I have been bargaining with God, my life and its sanity as I try to make it on my own.

The ones I substituted God for had no clue how much I had to give up in order to take care of their critical factors. The more I poured my soul into the work as undertaker, rescuer and caregiver the less of my self I gained and the angrier I was with God. “Is that the only reason for being on your planet God?” I remember questioning his reason for creating me as I imagined the look on his face. “You must be enjoying this eh God”? Well that is what I used to think. I did not know what else to think or rather I had no good thoughts or images of him despite all the beautiful paintings that surrounded me.

I could not understand the vicious circle. I kept spinning out of control. What more do I have to sacrifice to live and enjoy the life you gifted me with. You have a plan for my life but come to think of it; it is for your purpose and that may very mean a life of trials. Oh well I suppose that makes it easier to understand the events.

In order to make sense of what was going on I had to honour my self and that included whatever I felt. It took a lot of talking to God and endless self-talk before I stopped beating up on myself. Some days I just didn’t get it. I thank God for being the author of my life and for encouraging me to narrate it.

It was not so much the fear of the unknown that I carried in my emotional knapsack. It was a battered self esteem, fear of the wrath of God and not particularly fear of God, sense of helplessness, worthlessness; mistrust and the deadliest of all was the anger or rather the toxic shame. I did not trust to allow anyone to take a peek in my knapsack because I did not need the burden of judgement added to the already heavy load and anguish.

….So much is bubbling to the surface….until next time….

The Journey

The events that led me to surrender to God and become best friends with Her

I have come to realize and accept that I am responsible for my now, knowing that my future is best directed by God. I am also responsible for how I almost allowed the past to determine and undermine my present circumstances. Most times I did things on my own instead of with my friend, God. You see after doing everything as expected to I went to the other extreme. I wanted no one to influence my choice; not even God! I must say that I would have not made it to this intersection had I not dismiss the teachings and vision of a god who never was more than other people’s illusion- a god who never existed. How could I not have discarded God from my life when all she used to do was punish, punish and punish. Who needs a god like that in their lives? Certainly, not me!

So I went my merry way doing things that I suppose were testing God’s love for me. I totally ignored any contact he tried making with me. All his attempts seem like he was anything but on my side. How could the God who loves me so much be so much against me? There is no way that this creature loves me.

The sad thing is that all that time I was punishing my spirit- burying my soul in anguish as I lamented the thought of not being good enough to receive even a glimpse of my Creator.

Was I wrong!

I know now that he was the only one always there. He just had the scariest way of showing up.

Now I am grateful for those circumstances because they helped me to recognize the presence of omnipotence within me. I now understand, that ‘from the darkness comes the light’ and “from the darkest nights come the brightest days”.

It is for this reason that I have become smitten with the God who cares, the God who heals, the God who will never forsake me.

I do not plan on dismissing the years spent in agony or the experience while living in the valley of desolation, but I still feel a bit disappointed about not accepting that treasure that had been residing within me all that time.
I suppose she waited patiently; knowing that I will sooner than later, find her. Maybe that is what was consoling me, as I became more and more patient with myself while my affairs continue to unfold in divine order. Oftentimes I threw my arms up in despair, a habit I had adopted back in the days when I thought that was what gave me one more chance at loving myself and more importantly one more chance to gain God’s love and attention. It was great news to learn that I did not have to do anything to win her favour. That was the biggest consolation because I was tired of trying to please everyone. They may have sometimes like me for it but I hated them for doing so and I hated myself and I despised God for all of it.

I know that what matters most is that the god who is projected as harsh and cruel was just a pigment of someone’s imagination. I wonder if that would explain why I ran away so many times. I ran away from the dreaded spirits who imposed brutal punishment, crippling fear and almost damaged trust and I ran to God; the one I thought I was running away from.

In spite of the deadly resentment towards God, I still feel that I had to keep the line of communication open- at least with Her. I had lost all sense of worth and did not have the confidence to look God or any authority figure in the face without the temptation to wish them dead.

I searched for truth and that is what led me to God. To accomplish that I had to constantly pray and stay in God’s Word. I used to write to that little something that used to strum the strings of my heart. I did not know what it was but I know that it made me feel better and that encouraged me to press on…but why?


I share that next time....but for now I will say this!

Press on the journey of Life

A fair exchange

I have so much o give yet I felt like I had nothing to offer and I used to wonder why I felt that I am giving so much and still have more to share.

But what?

God question!

I have a lot o stepping stone experience that brought me this far on the journey of life. The hard knocks were what revealed my true power and courage to persevere and endure.

I am learning now how to give and receive love and how to encourage by sharing my story of courage… not bravery. See I am one very bold person and whether or not I am brave I face the fight not like a coward but like a bold soldier on the inside and when necessary on the outside too. I am fine tuning this skill and the more I assist people in honing their courage ad boldness the more I fine tune so it is in fact a very fair exchange to trade courage for genuine love and care... courage transfusion for love transfusion!

How about that!


I can give what I have and when i went in to my Well... this is all I could find ... courage and Iwhiel there looking for love I realized that I had not enough to keep me going so I decided hey! time to trade! A dose of courage for a dose of apathy.

Oh what a divine revelation and the best part is, I am finally getting it, thanks to my alone time I can think more and more for myself and let my soul provide all the resources it needs to heal!

Alleluia! This is a great Moment of Celebraton my journey!

And so it is !

Yesterday

One of the many things that I cannot change is the fact that all the time that I have to accomplish anything worthwhile is now, as in the moment. While I certainly learn from previous experience how to improve on productively managing life and the outcome of my choices, I have to live each moment’s experience. I have come to accept, from past attempts, I cannot be successful while looking, constantly, at the trail that I left behind or fearfully looking at the distance ahead.

So here’s to yesterday!

Heredity hand-me-downs

Of all the things that can be passed on from generation to generation why is it that the most popular inheritance is disease?

I have often pondered on this strange phenomena- if disease is genetic then why doesn’t everyone walk around with a thermometer under his or her tongue? I think that everyone would have all the ancestral disease I call “ignorance is bliss”

My hereditary knapsack was full of conglomerate of excuses that were used to explain and distort the facts of life. Though matter how much distress this disconcerting task was the burden was passed on; so for a while I did it and could not understand why on earth it felt like I was carrying everyone who was born before me and continue to add all those born after me. The problem is that I have no and still have no clue what is in this knapsack that I am expected to carry. I realized the side effects of taking everyone responsibility and along the way their disease began to manifest in me. That was when I decided to pass that back because I am not in way passing that on to my offspring.

When he swung from his family tree he had no fear, no shame, no surprises and so he never had to pretend for he already knew that David slept with Basheba, Rahab was a prostitute, Mary was his mother but she did not own him, his friends had bad tempers and he would get the bad rap from his challengers, yet he went about doing good. Is it any wonder Jesus made himself of no reputation? Instead he went about doing his fathers business in spite of the all the topsy-turvy and gnarled branches on his tree.

He modelled acceptance and sensitivity without faking his conscience. I too, want to make this my model and help as many persons as I can to do the same.

I am progresively letting go of what I am not responsible for and accept all what I am responisble to. Not knowing my roots as I ought to will not severe my connection with my Creator or myself from the Creator. I have already spent too many decades waiting and hoping to know about my family and where medical health is concerned, what I do not know has had a great impact on my sanity. And I am expected to inherit that! Total nonsense as far as I am concerned because I will end up just waiting around for doctors to announce my inheritance and remind me that this baton will most likely be passed on… well hell no! This is not the legacy I want to share with my children so I will take care of my mind, body and spirit so each day I take a step toward healing my mind and letting God transform my life as he designed it. I cannot change the past but I renew my mental genetics and spiritual hereditary to restore the health of my family tree.

I thank God for the courage to say no to this legacy of inheritance, the determination to change things I can and for the gift of love and personal power to exercise self discipline and sound reasoning- thinking for myself

Deadly Trap

Being afraid to let people know the real me was the biggest hoax and hex that toxic shame and the false self used to pollute my life.

Negative self talk inflamed by those who themselves were suffering the same malady made it seem anything but fake and deceiving!

This made my genuine grandiose shrink and almost disappeared; or so the lack of self worth implied. The mediated self began taking grounds in its futile war to evaporate my soul and quench my holiness.

I kept feeding the source of this cunning thief and of course this just made me more gullible. I stopped thinking for myself and feeling for myself, and well; I almost stopped living for myself… oh evay!

I felt like is running out and so I spun myself in a web of despair and succumbed almost succumb to that dreadful day when God will pull up my scroll and start questioning what I did with my thirty pieces of silver.

People who set trap for others get caught in it themselves…. My eyes became like saucers when I read Solomon testimony; he always have a way of creping into my subconscious and dig up some adopted habit that still plagues my good efforts. I stopped giving other people like life to do with as they please or as they allowed others to do with theirs. I passed back what I could and tossed out what I couldn’t but needed to let go because there is no way I wanted it anymore nor do I intend to pass on the baton of strife and struggle of living or rather existing in a state of constant dilemma of what I want and why I needed it.

When I want to do something for myself and my thoughts (desire) stops abruptly to check in with my programmed brain cells, I immediately put on my ‘what would God do’ helmet and this activates the tiny voice and it becomes very loud and clear as to whether I want something or someone else would approve of me if I did not want that something.

I am still working on reducing the frequency when this clutter of archaic voices of how things ought to be continued from my ancestry interfere with the legend that God set out for me to pass on to my descendants.

The Serenity Prayer is making this goal much more attainable. So here’s to the brilliant and courageous theologian Reinhold Niebuhr who knew that this was his only way out and he triumphed!

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change
Courage to change the things that I can
Wisdom to know the difference”

I have stepped out of the entrapment of looking back that seemed like the hardest step only that was the easiest one. Keeping up the daily grind of life management requires daily doses or renewed commitment to continue doing what I know is best for me and I provide the best care that I can without giving up my life in the process of making sure everyone is okay. I call this getting out the deadly trap of lack of self awareness and self responsibility.

Bye, bye mystified love; hello Agape!

The golden rule

Legal statutes and corporate laws have a way of contradictions between what they say; what they claim to represent, and what they actually do; intend to accomplish or attempt to make their targets believe that they are doing what they promised to do!

Take for instance the United States of America’s Declaration of Independence, "that all men are created equal and are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Are not these just a bunch of words string together in a sausage of truth that ought to be adhered to but only represents an accessory in reality?

In Canada, the Charter of Rights and Freedom is being treated the way God’s word is used to represent justice- completely ignored in reality; yet used to anaesthetize people from seeing the lies that bound and oppressed the very people they claim to care for.

So long as company is determined to haul billions in profit without conscious regard and utter respect for its key assets, its profit and good works holds no value.

A camel will quicker leap through the eye of a needle!

That is why, until we bring back the justice as God defined it, we will be driving the country, and ultimately peoples’ lives, as a chauffeur conducting a bus up hill.

People, stop allowing misguided leaders to put our best ideas and intentions in a constant state of doubt… self doubt! that is nothing more than smokescreen, just like their promises!

This means we each must become responsible for our role as an individual and as social beings.

It’s time to make that change!

God gave each of us the spirit of power, of love and of very sound minds; lets use it as he ordained and do unto others, as we want others to do unto us!

God’s holiness

I remember once upon a time when I constantly felt so insignificant, so puny that I cried to God that he made some kind of mistake when he designed me. The thing is I carried myself with such daring confidence that I sometimes felt that I was fooling myself. Deep down I somehow never really believed that I was insignificant and times when I failed to look at my self in heaven’s mirror, I agreed that I was insignificant… insignificant but with distinguished attitude and personality; I just felt a strong urge to believe that I was somehow more than my physical being. With each cell he put in place he went wow sweetheart, I love you! You see when I dismissed how God admired me I lost myself. How could I have not recognized such precious love? It is not the kind of love that can be measured in human terms of endearment… and that is how I had come to describe this kind of love that will move everything and everyone in its way to make sure that I claim my birthright as an imago dei. No kidding! He made me just a little less than himself and himself only and he gave me dominion over all things*! Well that was enough to make spring to life; jump for joy and clap my hands; sing, laugh, cry, dance and let lose the shackles and set my mind free to enjoy the treasure that I am… God’s holiness!

* Psalm 8: 5-6- The Good New Bible

Recovery of humanity

We are all creatures with ultimate worth! We are all entitled to the benefits of the he bountiful banquet while living on this side of heaven.

This truth goes beyond rational arguments limited by my five senses, social norms, taboos, mores, isms and cultural manipulation. The legal, religious and medical statutes that state how things ought to be is only an attempt to enforce spiritual and psychological slavery (oppression and needless suffering) but the wise endure, not out of fear or compliance, but because God’s vengeance will not be aborted when its payback time. God paid a hefty price to redeem us and he is not about to let us trade our birthright to the lowest bidder. We have to look at our life through heaven’s eyes and we will see that we are all equal. We all own the land and its resources.

Our social role is to treat each other, as we would love to be treated and recognise that each person was created to contribute to the richness of endless possibility to God’s grand design.

The function of true religion is this: “take care of the orphans and widows in their suffering and to keep ones self from being corrupted by the world.”*
James 1:27- The Good News Bible

The kind of fasting God wants is this: “Remove the chains of oppression and the yoke of injustice, and let the oppressed go free. Share your food with the hungry and open your homes to the homeless poor (that includes the working poor). Give clothes to those who have nothing to wear and do not refuse to help your own relatives.”*
*Isaiah 58: 6-8

Empowerment

People meet in the strangest of ways and places even during the times when there seem to be no coincidence… there is!

Many times my logical mind prevented me from seeing the good that I ought to see!

I believe that everyone who has been on my path, especially the ones I did not notice have been in my life at the right time to help me accomplish my purpose and also for me to help them on theirs.

A lot of that had to have been unconscious. The population of people whom I have encountered would leave me in a daze if I were consciously aware of their presence and purpose let alone understand their role in the script of my life. That has been becoming more apparent as I continue to work on self awareness.

I am in tune with my I AMness and the way God mysteriously presents the answer to my many prayers of supplication and intercession.

Knowing that all things happen for a very valid reason has greatly reduced my hyper vigilance. Instead I trust that though matter what my five senses imprints on my imagination there is way more than that stored in my highest being. In doing that I am more readily available to receive that which I need to sustain me and share with others that which they need to sustain them on the long, windy road call life. Teachers in disguise are what each person is and I am to be aware of the lesson that each presents and represents. I do not want to dismiss the fact that everyone has a story to share that will help each of us in just the right circumstance on the self discovery journey. I wonder of many of my teachers were as hyper vigilant as the student- me? They were afraid of me; well as for me, I was petrified when I saw me staring back at me. Auwch!

These days I keep reminding myself of how experience can help someone else’s experiences adds to mine and I am not talking about what employers demand of individuals. I am referring to the hard knocks of life experience-uncensored! These days I keep reminding myself of how my experience can help someone else’s experience and how someone else’s life story adds to mine to fit in God’s plan - The big picture. We are all able to elevate each other to stand on holy ground. Like giant pieces of a jigsaw puzzle we are broken in just the right areas; each piece plays an important role in accomplishing the maker’s plan.

Divine Pursuit

Embracing my true self is what God wants me to do. That is what he wanted me to realize and accept; hence the reason he sparked all the raging horror that led me back to him. In doing so I found myself waiting for me right where he establish me. Slowly yet confidently I am unfolding as God continues to complete the work he begun in order to for me to live my life as he purposed. Some days I think I know exactly what that is and other days I have no clue what to do... well he is God and he has to make sure that I never forget who is Omnipotent. That keeps me very dependent on him and he loves that! I promised myself and made a pact with him to never doubt him; some days I am tempted to wish that I had not made this vow. Thankfully, even when I doubt my ability and his cues, he continues to be faithful to me; that is why I have the courage to go on. I keep renewing my promise with each breath I take. That gives me the strength to listen, trust and obey him as he continues to lead me like a lamb among wolves.
How did Jesus do it? He must have really been some guy to endure all this torture. I mean his shed tears turned to blood...mine just dissolves my couch and puffs my eyelids and I am going, oh evay!

But wait!

There is always the Haphakh moment… the moment when God turns things around…like resurrecting Jesus from the tomb! And sending him to calm my storms; then the Holy Spirit steps in and groans in words that I cannot express, until the mental zombies varnish!

That always keeps me in awe of what God can do.

And so it is!

Curiosity and self-expression

Ever wondered why we stopped asking questions and have to feel the bruises of doing so!

It is the way God intended us to know ourselves and learn about the world in which we live.

Ever wondered why adult lock children’s lips yet somehow the children can still challenge their motive.

It is because they do can still pierce their souls and reflect back the truth

Ever wonder why some people are not comfortable around children; find them rude, rambunctious and inquisitive.

That is because they remind of us who we were created to be; of the life that was robbed of us when we their age; of the choice we made to blind obedience.

As for me, I used to envy them for what I gave up… my voice. I used to admire with a tinge of envy though, any little rebel I came in touch with, any little voice that confronted me and dared to tell me what I am thinking even when my mind was closed.

Granted I cannot go back in time and be that 2, 3, 4 or even 30 year old; however I can rekindle my passion and zest for life, for adventure and for freedom. I can be the warrior and wonder child I was meant to be. The moment that I realized that living my childhood was not an impossible dream, I began to do just that at 30 or may be even sooner-subconsciously! The day I decided to start living my very own life began years ago however as an adult I quickly learnt that I had to still go through all the developmental stages of a child. I almost fainted because that meant going back to when I was maybe 2 or 3, so I changed my mind about the quest. But my life was becoming my worst enemy and at the same time my own best friend. That did not make any sense especially since all I ever dreamt of was exactly what I was wishing would happen by just letting time magically transform me. I woke up one day to the rude awakening that if I want something significant it is something that I will not live happily without. Many times I struck a deal with God for an easier way out but deep down I knew that I could not go on like this forever. So after a few time outs the strength from within me awakened and I broke through. All what I was afraid would happen if I did, happened; but that was nothing compared to what I gained in the process of facing my fears. oh the rewards of self acceptance, self love and self worth came flooding and of course my childlikeness began to reveal my soul, my free spirit, curiosity, self expression and boldness. I got my ‘voice’ back… and more importantly I reclaim my self. More and more, I am enjoying the adventure of a fascinating journey; a journey that I had to take myself on, a journey that I could not imagine not worth risking, for a prize that could not bear the thought of losing. I am glad that I chose not to quit when it seemed like it was a losing battle.

Thanks to curiosity and self expression!

The search for truth and freedom during my journey of self-discovery was arduous, sometimes draining, other times reassuring. The ironic thing is that what I always wanted is the very thing that I constantly resisted… myself.

Now I live my life with blessed assurance; even when I cannot see the road ahead I know that I am stepping out on holy ground

The details of daily life ---life without limits

God already knows everything about me. He never makes up his face or holds his breath when he uncovers the major boo boos and scars that covered the festered wound- the stinky smellies- that I had spent years nursing by hiding and burying my emotions. He is in the midst of my confused state of mind while my heart faints within me as I contemplate what he is preparing me to accomplish on his higher ground. I have been weeping, moaning and groaning as God is running my life through His heavy-duty grinder. He is honing my attention, by orchestrating all the details and conducting them into my daily life activities. He teaches me to see the business of living though his eyes. He is teaching me to know everything about him, about myself and, about all people.

In order to accomplish this, he had to rip off the band-aid…. yawch… and let everything spew. Then he washed me in a mixture of Jesus' blood and tears. He breathed into what was left of me and I immediately realized how dead I had been. He rubbed in the balm of redemption salve in my diseased mind and polluted body and began treating the repressed emotions from years of unfelt feelings and unthought thinking. He resurrected dreams that were asleep; deep desires sprung to life; feelings that were denied regain their significance and thoughts that were disowned began to make themselves known.

I was set free; free to soar like an eagle.

Since then, I have stopped doing the toiling and enjoy resting while God runs the show and fight the battles; all I ever have to do is trust him to do what he promised to do...to complete the work that he began in me so that I can give him all the praise and glory.

Nowadays, I focus more on what is, instead of what seem to be.

Adventure and mystery

I am on a trail of a fascinating journey
Leading me on to adventure and mystery
Trusting my carefree childlikeness
I let Spirit guide me back to myself
To reunite me to my highest calling

and so it is!

The message of the idols

What are these idols you ask?
The distractions that seem determined to overtake our willpower to think for ourselves... things like the latest gadget, the "more is better" obsession, "just a little more" mentality, oversize advertisement on billboard; the newspaper and HDTV that flash messages drawing our attention to the supposedly solution to provide us with intrinsic gratification. What this really does is it creates an escape to engage us into become suppressed thinkers and very unhappy with a perplexed sense of feeling like social/classis failures and this is so far from the truth yet more and more, persons are succumbing to the bombarding influence of the materialistic world- modern day slavery!

Chasing stuff in pursuit of joy and happiness, and believing the empty promises that comes with the disclaimers, almost succeed and even succeed in keeping some people restless in a cloud of existence living like zombies to pay busyness campaigners who keep attacking our conscience to try win or rather, to twist our lives or in some instance sell or trade our souls to the lowest bidder. The trade off; a life of sorrow, spiritual bankruptcy, addiction, false guilt, shame, hopelessness, emptiness, self punishment, disease, crime, repressed emotions, mystification, conformity, blind obedience, bribery, manipulation, hatred and all the deadly desire to kill for more of what cannot satisfy the deepest longing... love, justice, freedom and a life of eternal bliss.
Once I accepted that I too was almost beginning to believe that this must be the proof of success and starting striving in vain. I realize that I would easier disintegrate than attain the world’s s false offer of security, so I pleaded with God to examine me and remove all that is not of his making as a source for my happiness, joy and salvation... and he has removed all the influence of the messages of the idols!It came with a price… I had to say goodbye to all the self worth eaters and strip my need for the amassing idols that had been competing for first place in my life.