Shameless Surrender!

When my confidence was shaken, my faith became very brittle; still the desire to illuminate a passionate relationship with God consummated my being. I wondered about and pondered on the heart’s soldiering on to convince me to commit my life to God when I felt completely crushed- kaput. I had this felt sense that my breath did not need my body. Oooooh! was I livid with God… or maybe it was with myself… what’s the difference! There really was a point where it was hard to tell the difference…I guess it was because my faith was so ‘brittle’.

I want my body fully restored and if is it not one thing is another so what the heck. I know that this body is only as good as it outlast death and serve no real deal when breath returns to its blowing in the wind status. Until then I want to interact at gut level- heart to heart- one on one with the Almighty. This is serious business, soul wrenching and drenching business.

I poured out my hurts, revealed my feelings, confessing my booboos, disclosing my doubt, admitting my fears, acknowledging my agnosticism and cultivating my courage until they spilled all over heaven’s red carpet... thank God it was already red.

It was then that I gave God leeway long enough to re-establish and realign my whole being so as to let the Divine plan for my life come in full circle. After all the merry go round on the labyrinth, I am happy to be me… just as I am! I know that I thought that I had already gotten to that point; somehow though, I lost sight of that certainty.

Thank God that I had all the time that’s required for the purifying, refining, restoring, reviving process; and I, even if I thought I did not… God made sure I did because until then nothing much would have really mattered.

Thank God for my backsliding faith. As the saying goes, one step forward and countless step backwards to build the momentum to leap forward to the exact spot I need be.

I am glad that I kept a firm grip on my preserving optimism in God’s pledge to take care of me even when my sprouts seemed barren. When God seem distant is when I most believed in the intangible evidence… a very trying assignment- where God is concerned it is not just an assignment, it is a command and so far I have managed to advance to the next lesson…. obedience in the area of trusting God amidst my qualms and trembling. By the way, these qualms have begun to recede; and, if they were my hairline; I’d be naturally bald by now.

God must be really working at the core of my being- somewhere I have never allowed anyone to trespass- my very own private place and there is God poking, jabbing and probing... yauwch!

I almost did not even let God in- that was hardly possible and that obviously was not part of God’s deal once I gave permission to steer the wheel and God’s will into my well being.

I have no clue how arriving at this point of the destination was possible; then and again with God all things are possible especially when matters are not of human doing.

What more can I say!
How else could I know what I am made of…really made of!
God knows!
I took on God’s offer very, very seriously. When God said “come follow me and I will show you how much better my payoff is” I turned the other way because I did not like God’s terms and conditions and did not want to suffer at God’s hands anymore than I felt that I already had and the dread of ending up in hell did not console me one bit. Asking God to leave me alone each time God became too visible in my walks of life I dismissed God, still God would not stay away. I did not suffer at God’s hands but always I ask why God did not do something before I abandoned God for good. God just kept ignoring me- well then and again in hindsight- I had to confess that this is what I asked God to do even though I was hoping that God would stop me from not giving God the chance to show me God Essence!

Many decades have passed on and that war was getting more and more brutal. Why I held on to God I know not! All I can say is that was the lifeline that has me alive today.

I know that God clearly understand why I was doubtful of God being my best friend and lifelong partner and soul, sole provider... When God kept reminding me of the sparrows and even sent one to sing me a lullaby to gently put me back to sleep after an episode with the brain cell that wanted to remind me of all I have lost, I decided that was enough… so God kept me up enough nights to talk to me when I had no one to honestly talk to. I thought ghee God give me a break! I used to just read the bible even though I felt like locking it up in the bookshelf- and, I did! Eventually

Oh well all I can say is thank God for removing all the weed (false messages and beliefs) and replacing with wheat (God purpose) before more weeds grew in my mental garden.

Is it any wonder that while I did not intend to live singularly or singly all my life so far, I was not about to settle for less than God can deliver. I may be deemed to be picky, fresh and grandiose and I accept my own ability to ask Gof for exactly the qualities I am worthy of and to encorage my tiwn flame to embrace his full worth. Therefore, I continue to love myself while the someone God created to be vulnerable enough to be willing to be his authentic self and strong enough to respect my powerful self reveals himself . I already have all I have to offer- sincere, heartfelt passionate love, respect and self responsible that has been tried, test and proven true by my Maker and Making.

Is it any wonder that God is a jealous God and would not let anyone offer anything less than what God can offer and provide!

This is my offer, my only offer. Take it or leave it. Accpet or decline

Thank God for the lesson on authentic intimate relationship!