A new sense of direction

I took on God’s offer very, very seriously. When God said “come follow me and I will show you how much better my payoff is” I turned the other way because I did not like God’s terms and conditions and did not want to suffer at God’s hands anymore than I felt that I already had and the dread of ending up in hell did not console me one bit.
Asking God to leave me alone each time God became too visible in my walks of life I dismissed God, still God would not stay way. I did not suffer at God’s hands but always why God did not do something before I abandoned God for good. God just kept ignoring me well then and again in hindsight I had to confess that this is what I asked God to do even though I was hoping that God would stop me from not giving God the chance to show me God Essence!
Many decades have passed on and that war was getting more and more brutal. Why I held on to God I know not all I can say is that was the lifeline that has me alive today.
I know that God clearly understand why I was doubtful of God being my best friend and lifelong partner and soul, sole provider... When God kept reminding me of the sparrows and even sent one to sing me a lullaby to gently put me back to sleep after an episode with the brain cell that wanted to remind me of all I have lost, I decided that was enough… so God kept me up enough nights to talk to me when I had no one to honestly talk to. I thought ghee God give me a break! I used to just read the bible even though I felt locking it up in the bookshelf!
Oh well all I can say is thank God for removing all the weed (false messages and beliefs) and replacing with wheat (God purpose) before more weeds grew in my mental garden.
Is it any wonder that while I did not intend to live singly al my life so far, I was not about to settle for less than God promised. Well after all this I may be deemed to be picky, fresh and grandiose; however more than ever I am looking for the someone God created to be vulnerable enough to wear his heart on his shoulder- all the time with me because this is all I have to offer- sincere, heartfelt love that has been tried, test and proven true by my Maker, God.
Is it any wonder that God is a jealous God and would not let anyone offer anything less that what God can and will offer and provide!
This is my offer, my only offer. Take it or leave it
Thank God for the lesson in authentic intimate relationship, God. I could have only that directly from God!