The more I dread the ‘not yet’ and ‘let go and let God’, the more I am disconcerted by the unknown… and the more I get upset that God alone knows everything and so God alone can run the show.
Being totally dependent on God should make me joyfully soar for God’s love yet lately all I want to do is give up on pleasing God even though that choice would cause me even more trouble than I have encountered in my lifetime so far. I have come a long way!
So what do I do, God… what do I do when I feel like I am in the storm and instead of gliding peacefully, I am being tossed by waves that want me let the storm win. I would if I knew for sure that you are really in that storm with me. But I do not know for sure and that is what petrifies me.
Do I keep going? Do I fall asleep on the waves? Do I scream, fuss and shout? Do I laugh and dance?
You really have a funny way of making me cling to you when I am tempted to have nothing to do with you. Why?
I suppose I am in the refiner’s fire learning how to say ouch and still trust that the refiner’s fire will not turn to the fires of hell and char me up.
Oh well, my idea of you is a bit gruesome right now and I cannot pretend it is any other way for now, so please bear with me while I get back my bearings on your road to happiness.
I do not know how to fully love you but I am willing to know or at least to try; but you do not seem to have an easy way of making that happen so I will have to make peace with the unknown and trust that this will help me eligible to dwell in one of your many mansions.
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