A Doubting Angel: When Nothing Makes Sense

When nothing makes sense...and my peace is disturbed I question God and sometimes I even diss God!

The sad thing is dissing God always feels like the best thing to do always when I need God the most.

Why God, Why?

I pray!

Dear God;

I need you to reassure me again and again and, again because I just feel like giving up on feeling like I matter to you or you really care about me. Then I think "What will I do?" “What will I do without you?" Can you please answer me, God!

I am disappointed, very disappointed in the way you show your love for me and for the many people who experience oppression and injustice from 'heavy burdens' that you don't seem to want to relieve us of.

Life feels scarier and scarier and emptier and emptier in the land of plenty.

Why?

I feel like stoned Stephen; please do not hold this against me, God. Do something God!

How am I suppose to trust you like a child trust that when it cries it will be comforted and fed and clothed and be protected from the elements.

Please turn things around like you did for Sarah, Hannah, Leah, Job, Joseph and David- Please God!

I am counting on you, not because I feel that I want to but because you are God and you are in charge!

Don't you have favour for those who are wanting to love you, trust you but now and then experience a challenge in doing so? Please God! I feel like I am pleading to you and all you do is ignore my plight! I can no longer live this way and sing 'it is okay or it is well withm y soul becasue it is not and if it is well with my sould then it is not well with my hopes when it seem like I am getting closer and closer to giving up on my dreams and settle for a life of envying sparrows. What good is in that!

How do you really show that you give a damn? How?

How do I think of you in any other way... a loving way right now?

How am I suppose to be a steadfast spirit, God.

Can I count on you or not? I am fed up of this yo-yoing relationship with you! If that is good enough for you, it is NOT good enough for me!

So please dear God, please give me something to took forward to other than wandering and wondering where the heck you are and what you are doing.

'I have fallen and I can't up'

I need you to pick me up!

Please Hurry!


A Doubting Angel