I almost lost heart when it seem like time is racing away with my heart’s desires. This happened too many times and so I decided that God was messing with me. My heart was so troubled that I thought God really had not decided what to do with the life ordained to me.
Nothing much mattered and I really did not care two hoots about God and sadly, though I have walked the walk with God and talked the talk with God and about God, I sometimes come this close to dismissing God and always God has been able to keep my spirit as resilient as a reed; if only to one day realize that God has plans, like he had for Jeremiah… plans to use me for good.
Where does that leave my heart’s longing? I don’t know; however as long as I have breath, I will take good care of my heart and let God deal with the aches. Sometimes I wonder God, how can you use someone with such heartache and, why? Okay, let me guess. Is that how you teach unconditional love? Some days I feel like I got your call, God, and then I proceed to take the necessary steps and I look to you for further direction and you are gone. You know how much that scares me and the good thing is it also reassures me that you want me to take some steps on my own... still I doubt you, I question and analyze until nothing makes sense like it used to make sense. Then I get really scared and I doubt myself as being fit enough to dance to your music and I feel that this does not bother you and then that bothers me... at least that is how I feel. How can I feel so convinced that you are using me to do your wonders and still feel so unsettled about why I am here on earth?
Can you explain this to me? I am asking one more time. Can you please reveal your goals that I am to fulfill? Did I miss you cue? How will I know and when will I know for sure that it is you knocking on my heart. You know the cause of my achy heart is because I dread that having your way means kissing my dreams goodbye. Yes, I know that though matter what, in the end you will be pleased with me; somehow I feel that I will go on living only that I will be living a dull life and I cannot give up my zest of for living. Will I still have a gusto to live the next eight decades with or without accomplishing the things I want to? Come what may, I intend to live as long as my biblical friends who lived the longest!
I know you will answer one day or later today or even with my next breath or heartbeat. So instead of taking my heartache to the grave, I continue to get the load of my chest and let you douse it and fill the empty places in my heart with God-style TLC and continue to look forward to the day when all things makes sense in heaven’s big picture.
Until then I continue to stay tune and march in tune with life's music!
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