Losing everything, everything that makes up one’s identity is what scripture or organized religion may have been hinting to me as dust to dust and ashes to ashes. I can admit that this is how I felt when everyone and everything dear to me somehow got snatched away. That was often becoming a hard pill to swallow as God’s way of making room for itself; thereby awakening me to question the real meaning of grief and the journey of everyday death and dying. The way paradox played its mind boggling game with my heart is something I can now accept even though scripture has already admonished and attested to how jealous God was and that made me so insecure to befriend that God so much so that I wanted to die without killing myself because I am determined to be alive on the day God sends Jesus back to earth to walk on water and multiply my two fish and five loaves.
Good grieving, I’ll say! I ‘d still be waiting while going through denial anger bargaining depression acceptance that kept lulling my human spirit with moments of waxing and waning; going back from the death of the person who was the representation of the one who never forsakes or leaves me that I would meet some day some glorious day. That was no close consolation call to help me deal with the pain of first losing the love of God and now the one who represents God; even that bond was already severed and physical death had nothing to do with it. Moreover the discouragement of accepting that the loss I felt then and during all the times I sense and experience a sense of deep loss that my mind was happy to help me hold to as real by dismissing that what I felt was real back then and the pain I tried to hide and had to hide for more than TriuneGod appreciated and endorsed had been for a long time the only thing that increased and seem to have multiplied more than the two fish and five loaves
Until I gave myself full permission to DABDA in my own time and at my own pace and for my own purpose, I was stuck in the sludge of pain and suffering while forming an identity- more like conforming to identification I thought was going to be permanent until the next life promised to those who remain faithful to God.
Now what…
Before I knew now what, I had to let go of the identity and though matter how many layers of clothing I had on then, I was as naked as Adam and Eve. The trees in the winter had more to give thanks for being alive; and this very state of the trees gave me reason to have courage to persevere on- somewhat patiently. When all near and dear cannot shield the mind and safeguard the heart, soul squeals 24/7 and DABDA is no fun with or without anyone’s reassurance. Still a little reassurance at those time goes a long way to dissolve reproach and boost encouragement.
Each time I fall I rise and that fall which made Adam and Eve a very consoling story of taking risk and dealing with it even though after God found out through their private confessions; I deicide that though matter how low my mood I have to get up…
What I thought would only be days and years added up to decades.
This was the mountain that seemed most unmovable. No amount of ‘with God things are possible' seem to quicken the pace of the mountain mover and that was worst than depression and only helped in increasing schizophrenic senselessness. Still the mustard size faith kept me grounded and connected with the voice within that kept cheering me. I prayed and pleaded on many occasion for this little voice that already knows why I am on earth to just take over instead of those quiet hoorahs each time I fall and each time I rise. I had decided long, long time ago not to beg God and begging is all I mastered in the prayer department. I forgot about that completely. Not God. When lately my bellows kept God awake 24:7, the begging department somehow put a rush order and God redeem every one of my brashly bold requests of one on one, which I supposed now had never made it to its inbox and instead had been stacked up behind in a cellar where God eventually strolled by and bumped into me.
When request I had made to God began presenting and flashing scenes of my life to me personally, I thought wow Adam and Eve must have not even cared if the fig leaves fell while they were soaring up to the sky so I decided to let myself glide along in my euphoria just like the clouds and boom I began to rise and with a smiley frown at God, staring in the mirror I made a sacred pact with Life to carryon as I can and trust that help is always on the way. I also accepted the fact that as long as I live there will be DABDA and falls and rising; loss, well loss has made its way to join the old beliefs gone before
Good grieving, I’ll say! I ‘d still be waiting while going through denial anger bargaining depression acceptance that kept lulling my human spirit with moments of waxing and waning; going back from the death of the person who was the representation of the one who never forsakes or leaves me that I would meet some day some glorious day. That was no close consolation call to help me deal with the pain of first losing the love of God and now the one who represents God; even that bond was already severed and physical death had nothing to do with it. Moreover the discouragement of accepting that the loss I felt then and during all the times I sense and experience a sense of deep loss that my mind was happy to help me hold to as real by dismissing that what I felt was real back then and the pain I tried to hide and had to hide for more than TriuneGod appreciated and endorsed had been for a long time the only thing that increased and seem to have multiplied more than the two fish and five loaves
Until I gave myself full permission to DABDA in my own time and at my own pace and for my own purpose, I was stuck in the sludge of pain and suffering while forming an identity- more like conforming to identification I thought was going to be permanent until the next life promised to those who remain faithful to God.
Now what…
Before I knew now what, I had to let go of the identity and though matter how many layers of clothing I had on then, I was as naked as Adam and Eve. The trees in the winter had more to give thanks for being alive; and this very state of the trees gave me reason to have courage to persevere on- somewhat patiently. When all near and dear cannot shield the mind and safeguard the heart, soul squeals 24/7 and DABDA is no fun with or without anyone’s reassurance. Still a little reassurance at those time goes a long way to dissolve reproach and boost encouragement.
Each time I fall I rise and that fall which made Adam and Eve a very consoling story of taking risk and dealing with it even though after God found out through their private confessions; I deicide that though matter how low my mood I have to get up…
What I thought would only be days and years added up to decades.
This was the mountain that seemed most unmovable. No amount of ‘with God things are possible' seem to quicken the pace of the mountain mover and that was worst than depression and only helped in increasing schizophrenic senselessness. Still the mustard size faith kept me grounded and connected with the voice within that kept cheering me. I prayed and pleaded on many occasion for this little voice that already knows why I am on earth to just take over instead of those quiet hoorahs each time I fall and each time I rise. I had decided long, long time ago not to beg God and begging is all I mastered in the prayer department. I forgot about that completely. Not God. When lately my bellows kept God awake 24:7, the begging department somehow put a rush order and God redeem every one of my brashly bold requests of one on one, which I supposed now had never made it to its inbox and instead had been stacked up behind in a cellar where God eventually strolled by and bumped into me.
When request I had made to God began presenting and flashing scenes of my life to me personally, I thought wow Adam and Eve must have not even cared if the fig leaves fell while they were soaring up to the sky so I decided to let myself glide along in my euphoria just like the clouds and boom I began to rise and with a smiley frown at God, staring in the mirror I made a sacred pact with Life to carryon as I can and trust that help is always on the way. I also accepted the fact that as long as I live there will be DABDA and falls and rising; loss, well loss has made its way to join the old beliefs gone before
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