Pondering..

...just pondering while in the belly of the whale

The more that I understand myself and begin to begin to understand people, events and how God works or how I think of God the more I appreciate the gift of being able to think for myself and form my own ideas of what is!

God is very personal! Hence why I feel liberated to ponder on who God is to me and how I fit in his world. I am beginning to wonder about dogmas which people are supposed to honour in order to enjoy a life of bounty and fulfilled dreams that will make me look forward to get to heaven after I die. Is it any surprise the world is beginning to believe the false prophets when they say that God is about to end this world and only a few hand picked Christians will walk through the gates of heaven. Too bad because I rather think for myself and even think too much because this is the state of mind when God makes most sense to me. That to me is the only guarantee of peace of mind.

Each time someone else tells me what I can and cannot say to God or dismiss my confusion of the right description of God other than the way I can best relate to God I question even God for not eliminating all this mayhem about his plan for my life and who he is… really. After all, it is my life and it is very important to him and yet I never seem to have the best clue as to what I should and must not do. Shouldn’t he talk with me directly about what he plans to use it for while I wait to return to eternity? And where is eternity anyway! . I often wish that someone would rise from the dead in flesh and blood to reassure me of the life after death. I am convinced that this life described in Revelation is happening in our days. I rather believe that now than after I stop breathing to find out that I was right than to dismiss my idea only to find that I am disappointed about afterlife when I physically die. That would be a bruiser! One big hell of a bruiser. I definitely do not want to wait until physical death zaps me from this world for this wake up call! That kind of waiting makes no sense to me. Not even with the promise or a certainty guarantee of a new body, a new name, new life

Some how I have this idea that God is misconstrued and misrepresented. I especially believe that when I am trying too hard to grasp a concept of God other than the way I enjoy a relationship in a personal way as I can relate to Him…uncensored, I lose it... I really do!

So God who are you? Will I really know you before I die and why do I have to die to meet you face to face. What is the deal? How will I know for sure that my inklings are worth something in your plan? Are not you the one who said ask and I will receive and that you already know what is best for me? Am I missing something here, God? That is the question I have been pondering while I hide from the dread of your wrath for feeling so distant from you or rightly stating how I feel about you- you seem so unconcerned about my needs and wants. I would be very disappointed if waiting patiently for you means falling asleep and never wake up! You see why lately I am losing the urge to hold on for you to explain how I fit in your big picture.

The paradox is that I trust that God is in the midst of all my confusion helping make sense of life’s disquietudes. I just wish there was a more direct way to reason and state my point with him face to face in a fashion similar to talking to another person. Sometime the idea of talking to a God who knows all about me and yet I have no clue what to make of him really flummox me.

Oh evay !!!!!