The medicine of writing

Growing up, I had neglected what’s since become the very therapeutic way of expressing my feelings and a wholesome way of honouring my emotions. Instead I had resorted to angry outbursts, tears of helplessness and thoughts of resentment, all of which drained every bit of worthiness from my spirit. This mental torture continued until I was exhausted, so exhausted that I yelled at everyone and everything, then I yelled at God. I yelled until I heard his voice, so soft, yet so consoling, and for the first time I proved that my first impression of him was very wrong. Conversely it was the first time I really had the chance to see him for who he really is. Thank goodness, for by then I needed some healthy way to rid myself of all the negative energy and pent up emotions that eroded my being.

I realized that not only did I abandon a great gift. I neglected myself. I suffered from dwelling too much on the pain and the disappointments of the past. I existed in a future of fears, unknowns and anxieties. I acknowledged the part that this disease played in depriving myself of enjoying what is- I either did not attend to the challenge or taking on so much at once, causing emotional and physical circuit overload. It took three explosions that landed me in the arms of the psychiatry waiters to realize that I was not doing myself any good.

When the anger began spewing out, it was so furious that the paper wished that it were still part of a tree somewhere in the forest. The ink bled through the tear soaked pages of my writing pad.

The raging anger was not the only factor that hindered my releasing and writing process.

When something came up that I was not prepared to admit or not yet ready to reveal or was afraid to allow God to inspect, wash away and bake me in its refiners fire- again and again, I would close up and my fingers would stop writing. Many times I struck a deal with God for an easier way out but deep down I knew that I did not want ot go on like this forever. So after a few time outs the strength from within me awakened and I broke through what I referred to as my “writers’ block”. I kept writing and crying, crying and writing. Most importantly I began the healing process as I released the deadly poisons.

Writing without the fear of exposing the deepest feelings opens up the soul and allows the creative juices to flow. It brings healing where there once was disease and imbalance.

To fully accomplish this I had to forget about grammar. I also had to ignore the ‘voices’ that reminded me of what the audience would think of me. All that mattered and continues to help me digest my life was finding peace and along the way, my core self. I did! And this is a gift to myself that I intend to honour in a manner that baffles logic. I know that no matter how much is taken from me, no one can ever steal this treasure from me.

The wrestle with God and myself subsided. The agonizing battle ended. It was then that I embraced and accepted him as my best friend, also it was about that time I revisited my long forgotten-about gift. I unlocked my talents that God had bestowed on me long, long ago and with divine help, I resolved to use my talents to creatively express my moments along the way. I began trapping the thoughts, saving them to paper, my hands, and the computer before they quietly and sadly leave as they used to when I used to ignore them. Like me, they must have shed a million tears…tears of rejection…of abandonment and of disappointment.

What a relief to sit, write and watch the juggled words transform into expressions and healing therapy…Aaaahhh! No medication ever had that effect on my nerves! Angel of remembering just refreshed my awareness; “the first poem you composed not only granted you a glimpse of the treasure within you! It was a high school prized-winner. Allow this fact keeps me company as I live my life, moment by moment.”

And so, determined to turn pain into purpose, I trusted myself to rekindle the friendship with my writing. My passion to express myself soon began to blossom new ideas, thoughts, visons and feeling of healing and living. How enriching, how nourishing, how potent is the medicine of writing!