The dawn of startingovers

Nearly ten years ago when I first decided that it was time to pursue the academic goal that would have earned me an undergrad degree, I had no hesitation about what major would be my alliance in attaining that accomplishment. I sense that my choice then would resurrect my legitimate area of interest:
To understand myself- why I tick, breathe, and get ticked
Why I am curious and more so why it was considered such a repulsive trait
Why I responded to something I just reacted to- same shit, different texture and smell.
What does response time have to do with prime time?
What draws me to people and what draws people to me?
How do I understand people; how do people understand me? Is that even possible?
What’s with the birds of the feather and tell me who your friends are analogies
And where did certain phenomena come from without any clue why they are there

All this really got started when I- decades ago- had the inner inkling to stop following orders without knowing the end result. That got me in a lot of trouble- heck it still does to this day. And somehow I sense it will as long as I have breath. And I wanted to know the answer to this big question…why.

These were the questions along with many others I had been soughting after way back when I was told that these matters were out of my league and that I should and must learn to leave well alone and let sleeping dogs lie hardy hardy hardy hart. That in and of itself sparked a fire in my brain and bones and my bottomless pit question grew wider than the ocean. I vow from then on to be on this mission… to find answers. I wanted to know why these interests of mine was shun without even bothering go offer some explanation. Mind you, there were some really lame ones. They just never suffice to even keep an empty bag from falling. My eagerness to explore expanded and the mind somehow at this tender age knew I understood why intelligence gave me the ability to think. I was convince that is what is was until I began to believed that my imagination was weird, to weird. What am I suppose to do when the weird dialogue acts up in my chest and in my gut and I just cannot turn this damned thing off… this damned good thing this good damned thing keeps talking to me knowing how much trouble I was getting into because of it and it was never there to defend my case or maybe it was its own case.

Some how with great effort I was able to turn this damned thing off for a couple decades. In my mind I knew the day would come when I would hunt the universe to find that thing back.

But for then I left well alone. And decided to take on another angle. By then though, I was as domesticated as a white tiger, cobra and lion living in a volcano in the middle of a social zoo.
Though the social way of behaving seems important to survive with the fittest, it did not feel as normal as when I used to have those weird dialogues when I was learning to assimilate. That would make it okay or at least it would make me okay if I could have both. So I decided to go where somewhere where someone could teach me to be normal. The next social ladder was what I expected to have climbed academically, at least. I split the choice between Psychology and Sociology and in walks in Philosophy. I decide to major in Psychology and electives would be Philosophy and Sociology. I had a generous serving of each. Whoa!

Then my bus began stalling and decided I had no time for the mechanic. If anything this wseemed like a clear indication that time is running out and, I still have no answers and, I had no clue where to look for my ‘feel good’ insider’s mate!

Well that little weird voice began speaking in a language that jerked me and I cursed it as though getting back at it for all the time it ‘dumped me’ and left me bemoaned.

That was God. The God that I thought I ‘d never meet face to face in blood and flesh just like me

All this time I was discreetly searching for the source of that weirdo in me and of course when I found it I went berserk, it went berserk; “what the hell happened to you…to us?” I bellowed, “You have some nerve! Where the heck were you?”

Bantering, bickering, forgiving, pursuing and pursuing and startingovers, uphill, downhill. That has been going for the last decade.

Meanwhile, I do the social things right along in almost the same way… Bantering, bickering, forgiving, pursuing and pursuing and startingovers, uphill, downhill. That too has been going for the last decade.