Well what do you know? Instead of offering or, to use their exact word, proposing return to work- modified duties, the offer is three weeks modified hours. Who are they kidding?
My physique has lovingly taught me a lesson I shall not soon forget- even though it may be wasting away, it must until its journey on earth is completed, be treated with dignity and respect and on these grounds I have chosen to listen to my body and not discount it for some humanly designed plan.
Broken as it may be, it is still worthy of being the temple of that houses my soul. This is more than enough reason to honour, cherish and treat it kindly.
It does not take lightly the abusive disregard for its ultimate/optimal wellness and function. It is mechanical but above all it is spiritual and just like a broken down equipment/machinery will conk out so too will the body's signal become dysfunction with improper care or maintenance.
Each body is unique, each course of treatment is designed by Doctor Me, and it will have no part of the 'hurry up and get fixed so I can go on with life' syndrome. In order to fully function as designed is must be treated in such a fashion that it can fulfill its purpose.
This is a lesson that I do not intend to ignore as long as I continue to journey on this side of heaven.
And so it is!
August 20, 2006
August 18, 2006
My Attributes
Well it was about time that I took a long, hard, honest and very admirable look at my god given attributes!
Too many times I dismissed what my gut told me about myself... after all these could not be describing me. Aha! What I have come to realize and accept is that the mind is such a traitor; it will keep you confined to its littleness and cheer on whenever I believed its nonsense. This morning, I decided to follow myself into the crevice of my soul and see what God had deposited there more than four decades ago and this is what was engraved on my heart. Now all I have to do graciously and gratefully accept the talents from God and put it to use I what little time I have left as a pilgrim on this side of heaven.
Only God can bestow such measure of priceless goodness without money, without strife; of course there is a time of testing and though His refiner's fire get too hot, it is still just at the right temperature to restore the soulful quality that He is working on. Life experiences continue to reshape my personality and purpose on earth... that is how tests are designed. Some are easy and some are so tough that no institution can come close to it, let alone match it. So thank you for the life lessons; they are the curriculum that prepares me for assignments that are so big that only you, dear God can determine and provide my qualifications.
Dear God, thank you for this divine moment of revelation. I choose to accept and believe the characteristics that you have endowed me with. So going forward, whenever I look in the mirror of the mind I will see and embrace this powerful creature that you created-me, Nympha Francis.
Too many times I dismissed what my gut told me about myself... after all these could not be describing me. Aha! What I have come to realize and accept is that the mind is such a traitor; it will keep you confined to its littleness and cheer on whenever I believed its nonsense. This morning, I decided to follow myself into the crevice of my soul and see what God had deposited there more than four decades ago and this is what was engraved on my heart. Now all I have to do graciously and gratefully accept the talents from God and put it to use I what little time I have left as a pilgrim on this side of heaven.
Only God can bestow such measure of priceless goodness without money, without strife; of course there is a time of testing and though His refiner's fire get too hot, it is still just at the right temperature to restore the soulful quality that He is working on. Life experiences continue to reshape my personality and purpose on earth... that is how tests are designed. Some are easy and some are so tough that no institution can come close to it, let alone match it. So thank you for the life lessons; they are the curriculum that prepares me for assignments that are so big that only you, dear God can determine and provide my qualifications.
Dear God, thank you for this divine moment of revelation. I choose to accept and believe the characteristics that you have endowed me with. So going forward, whenever I look in the mirror of the mind I will see and embrace this powerful creature that you created-me, Nympha Francis.
August 17, 2006
Staying Strong
Weaving the web of every day each with a style all its own encourages the lightness of spirit to brighten existence. Gratitude for every breath that makes its way in out and out in a timely manner boosts the innate engine to pump up aliveness of soul passion.
Gracefully, every cell dances with creation as I practise to love myself unconditionally by relaxing so life can catch up with me and slow down so universe can plug its lifeline in me.
Gracefully, every cell dances with creation as I practise to love myself unconditionally by relaxing so life can catch up with me and slow down so universe can plug its lifeline in me.
August 15, 2006
Show is Over
Inventions are always an indication that God is not yet finished what it started. Manufacturing inventions that mimic God’s definition of invention started an era full of pestilence of confused mixture of ingredients to substitute the real thing. Thus was born the Bubonic plague when more made Earth wish it were still an ocean of water connected to the placenta of the Cosmos by vast land and sky. Instead of evolving Earth revolved its way into its pastfuture, tense as tension that divides ocean from horizon and now continues to be the midwife to help the renewing process. Thanks to esoteric patience universe makes psalm 103 a meaningful prediction that appeased the ancestors waiting in limboland for their new heaven.
Planets are arriving right on schedule to complete what God had supposedly already finished and all is well
Planets are arriving right on schedule to complete what God had supposedly already finished and all is well
August 14, 2006
Mountain Mover on duty
Well this morning's phone call was no accident; divine guidance is right on schedule. These last few days have been inviting me to be still and I found that quite challenging but managed to practise patience. At yesterdays' worship time at church the organist said that this next song will mean much more when sung during the times when it makes the least sense to utter praise and proceeded to announce the song –“Blessed be the name of the Lord”, I smiled. I remembered the second time I heard that song, last year October, I had almost choked on the words- "and when the darkness closes in still I will say blessed be the name of the Lord. Oh how I felt like God was putting me to the test and I resented that. This song has been part of the music worship three times in the last eight Sundays and each of those times it was when the going was the roughest in the last few months. In my mind I was going yes God I get it… I get the hint as I pumped my lungs to give that tune all that I got!
When I received the insurance company's decision to cease benefits, I flipped; okay God is that suppose to be fair? And what are you going to do about this when I know and you know that I am hardly able to do move around and I am expected to hobble to take care of someone’s profit... what kind of life is it that you have me partake in buddy?
I decided not to argue with Him because he knew all too well that this was coming. I chose to continue doing what I had been doing since the surgeon recommended me to return to work that I clearly could not yet return to. I am not there to blame, huff and puff or feel sorry myself, or hurt anyone or myself. I will file an appeal and continue to attend to my health and wellness; if that is all I do for myself on this side of heaven then there will be lots of rejoicing in eternity- that is what I did.
I will not say that it was easy as pie; I had never been this assertive in my life but better late than never. It was not too long before I came to terms with what all these events are teaching me- assertiveness. I also remember the saying that God will not do for me what he has empowered me to do for myself. So as nervous as I was about the outcome, I stood my ground.
In the meantime I requested to see a neurologist to check in on the improvement of the nerve and even after five months of therapy and choosing not to return to work, there is evidence of nerve irritation that makes my sciatic nerve vulnerable to injury. Knowing this was the reason for not feeling too helpless as I chose to apply for EI.
One week after doing so, the Insurance company representative called to inform me that the benefits were reinstated and will continue until September. Also the company is willing to review job duties and intend to request recommendations from my GP and the surgeon.
Well alleluia God!
One thing is clear in all this, evidence that I will never quite understand God but will always have reason to say thank you for what He is doing.
When I received the insurance company's decision to cease benefits, I flipped; okay God is that suppose to be fair? And what are you going to do about this when I know and you know that I am hardly able to do move around and I am expected to hobble to take care of someone’s profit... what kind of life is it that you have me partake in buddy?
I decided not to argue with Him because he knew all too well that this was coming. I chose to continue doing what I had been doing since the surgeon recommended me to return to work that I clearly could not yet return to. I am not there to blame, huff and puff or feel sorry myself, or hurt anyone or myself. I will file an appeal and continue to attend to my health and wellness; if that is all I do for myself on this side of heaven then there will be lots of rejoicing in eternity- that is what I did.
I will not say that it was easy as pie; I had never been this assertive in my life but better late than never. It was not too long before I came to terms with what all these events are teaching me- assertiveness. I also remember the saying that God will not do for me what he has empowered me to do for myself. So as nervous as I was about the outcome, I stood my ground.
In the meantime I requested to see a neurologist to check in on the improvement of the nerve and even after five months of therapy and choosing not to return to work, there is evidence of nerve irritation that makes my sciatic nerve vulnerable to injury. Knowing this was the reason for not feeling too helpless as I chose to apply for EI.
One week after doing so, the Insurance company representative called to inform me that the benefits were reinstated and will continue until September. Also the company is willing to review job duties and intend to request recommendations from my GP and the surgeon.
Well alleluia God!
One thing is clear in all this, evidence that I will never quite understand God but will always have reason to say thank you for what He is doing.
August 13, 2006
Revving it up
In an instant of clarity generational sludge caked in deep wounds and blockages vacate the brain at warp speed. Limbic, pituitary, amygdala and all the places where they had been hiding are recovering quite contentedly from what started as one fine day, one fine day.
Without wavering, Consciousness is reclaiming its power and God is breaking free from its shackles of solitary confinement. God is ready to reveal its new model of Genesis. This is how long it took God to evolve it new model of Creation. Working behind the scenes has its perks.
“A thousand years is like a puff of wind” is manifesting how God is eradicating the old model of Genesis. Alpha is pronouncing with reclaimed authority, “this is it! This is where the buck stops. It’s Omega Time! ”
The invisible rollercoastering makes Space Mountain a good place to practise living in the new Earth.
Without wavering, Consciousness is reclaiming its power and God is breaking free from its shackles of solitary confinement. God is ready to reveal its new model of Genesis. This is how long it took God to evolve it new model of Creation. Working behind the scenes has its perks.
“A thousand years is like a puff of wind” is manifesting how God is eradicating the old model of Genesis. Alpha is pronouncing with reclaimed authority, “this is it! This is where the buck stops. It’s Omega Time! ”
The invisible rollercoastering makes Space Mountain a good place to practise living in the new Earth.
August 12, 2006
Voluntary death while alive
Each time the heart escorts the mind to the belly of the ocean; the crystals in the clouds, the depth of the universe and the house of the sun stars and moon so that the body can lay down its yoke the mind knows it can still choose to obey or sleep with its maker, keep busy planning its solo convention knowing that when the sleeper awakes or heart returns from its ventures and adventure gathering clues, news, views and reviews life presents it with significant substance from its source to create a day as plush as it can.
Also when it chooses to, it follows heart to develop a come what may day as together they convert and recreate the sands on the seashore into a relaxing recliner and allow the birds and breeze to approve its intentional resting in peace while the body is pruning, grooming, furnishing and energizing the mind’s garden so it can invent and create eternal moments- the stuff that life is made of in the here and now when life is, what is
Also when it chooses to, it follows heart to develop a come what may day as together they convert and recreate the sands on the seashore into a relaxing recliner and allow the birds and breeze to approve its intentional resting in peace while the body is pruning, grooming, furnishing and energizing the mind’s garden so it can invent and create eternal moments- the stuff that life is made of in the here and now when life is, what is
August 11, 2006
Celebrate!
The intrinsic reward of taking care of myself is priceless and this is the attitude that keeps me going as I continue to keep the faith.
Today, the curtains were drawn on yet another semester of hard work, enlarged vision and grades to prove that I can accomplish anything that I set out to do to improve on my self.
Four months ago I wondered; “What did I put myself through!” six courses! I had not done this since high school and that was over twenty years ago and besides it was not so condensed or intense but somewhere deep inside me I knew I have what it takes to discipline myself as I put apprehension in perspective.
I am in the process of finding an agency for my 300 hours of placement for September 2006 and this in itself seem a bit challenging but I will trust the process for if this is what I need to be doing then this is what will happen, come what may.
Whatever I need to learn and wherever I need to be I entrust myself to listen to God’s guidance; in order to discern the still small voice, I need to be focussed yet open to the source of all possibility in spite of what may appear to be.
I am grateful for all the moments that have brought me to this point in my life, many small and big steps that enabled me to recognize and work towards my full potential. Being the person I know I can be and honouring all that I am require a lifelong commitment to remain true to myself and so I will renew this vow every day as I continue to celebrate my deepest desire.
Today, the curtains were drawn on yet another semester of hard work, enlarged vision and grades to prove that I can accomplish anything that I set out to do to improve on my self.
Four months ago I wondered; “What did I put myself through!” six courses! I had not done this since high school and that was over twenty years ago and besides it was not so condensed or intense but somewhere deep inside me I knew I have what it takes to discipline myself as I put apprehension in perspective.
I am in the process of finding an agency for my 300 hours of placement for September 2006 and this in itself seem a bit challenging but I will trust the process for if this is what I need to be doing then this is what will happen, come what may.
Whatever I need to learn and wherever I need to be I entrust myself to listen to God’s guidance; in order to discern the still small voice, I need to be focussed yet open to the source of all possibility in spite of what may appear to be.
I am grateful for all the moments that have brought me to this point in my life, many small and big steps that enabled me to recognize and work towards my full potential. Being the person I know I can be and honouring all that I am require a lifelong commitment to remain true to myself and so I will renew this vow every day as I continue to celebrate my deepest desire.
August 07, 2006
Angels without wings
Oh how true it is that when God closes doors, He opens up windows and he sends angels to guide us and remind us of His love and care.
I have met many of those angels along the way and I know that many went unnoticed for I did not quite get it but now I experience the touch I know that there are indeed angels without wing, links of the chain and precious pieces of the puzzle!
I have met many of those angels along the way and I know that many went unnoticed for I did not quite get it but now I experience the touch I know that there are indeed angels without wing, links of the chain and precious pieces of the puzzle!
August 06, 2006
Mustard Seed
Make hay while the sun shines and stop whining about being too hot, humid sticky and just squeeze the juice out of the lemon and stir the biggest glass of lemonade from all the tangles of life called lemons-you can do it if you quit quitting
No time for slumber. Not when I had enough rest and zeal to strike the iron while it is hot even though the tide is high. I am stepping along in faith and confidence that each step is taking me nearer to the end of this testing period. In spite of what seems, I continue to focus on what can be- what is always and readily availbale, now.
The more I depend on God the broader my vision and bigger my dreams. No more of that this is too big for me nonsense. I am tired of standing in the way of my full potential all because I look at the size of the mountain and totally ignore the mountain mover who is patiently waiting for me to look around and marvel at his power.
At the moment it feels like the light in the tunnel has dimmed but the eyes of my heart has never been brighter and focussed.
I remove full stop in my mind and increased the questions that stretch my imagination. The endless possibilities continue to expand and sure enough this lines up with the saying that the God is infinite, omnipotence, omnipresence, omniscience and nothing is impossible for Him to accomplish.
That’s something I have known for sometime but its seed had not yet taken root as firmly as I had hoped and so the need for evidence almost blinded me from what truly is. The opportunity to be who I am created to be is always present and it is my choice to not allow distractions to snatch me from my desires. The passion may fade but the desire is always there waiting for the moment to come ablaze. So I will continue to dream dreams that are no less than the ones that God has planted in my soul. If He put it there it is because I am the one He created to accomplish it and he would not give my role to anyone other than me.
Thank you Dear God for rekindling my passion to fulfil my heart’s deepest desire. I always knew that you did not make a mistake when you wrote my dreams on my heart…. Is it any wonder that I have been carrying them along even when I feared that mind tried so many times to convince me that you would take them away from me. I was at the point where I was becoming bitter with you because I believed that you handed me a script of a wasted life. It was then you woke me up and told me the truth. It took for a few hard knocks and almost ten years in the valley and deserted wild to tame me and convince me that no other person can take my place in your plan and no other person can take your place in my life. Now that I am convinced that you are directing my steps, even when the road seem bleak, I will take the steps. Thank you for being patient with me as I need to be with myself and others
No time for slumber. Not when I had enough rest and zeal to strike the iron while it is hot even though the tide is high. I am stepping along in faith and confidence that each step is taking me nearer to the end of this testing period. In spite of what seems, I continue to focus on what can be- what is always and readily availbale, now.
The more I depend on God the broader my vision and bigger my dreams. No more of that this is too big for me nonsense. I am tired of standing in the way of my full potential all because I look at the size of the mountain and totally ignore the mountain mover who is patiently waiting for me to look around and marvel at his power.
At the moment it feels like the light in the tunnel has dimmed but the eyes of my heart has never been brighter and focussed.
I remove full stop in my mind and increased the questions that stretch my imagination. The endless possibilities continue to expand and sure enough this lines up with the saying that the God is infinite, omnipotence, omnipresence, omniscience and nothing is impossible for Him to accomplish.
That’s something I have known for sometime but its seed had not yet taken root as firmly as I had hoped and so the need for evidence almost blinded me from what truly is. The opportunity to be who I am created to be is always present and it is my choice to not allow distractions to snatch me from my desires. The passion may fade but the desire is always there waiting for the moment to come ablaze. So I will continue to dream dreams that are no less than the ones that God has planted in my soul. If He put it there it is because I am the one He created to accomplish it and he would not give my role to anyone other than me.
Thank you Dear God for rekindling my passion to fulfil my heart’s deepest desire. I always knew that you did not make a mistake when you wrote my dreams on my heart…. Is it any wonder that I have been carrying them along even when I feared that mind tried so many times to convince me that you would take them away from me. I was at the point where I was becoming bitter with you because I believed that you handed me a script of a wasted life. It was then you woke me up and told me the truth. It took for a few hard knocks and almost ten years in the valley and deserted wild to tame me and convince me that no other person can take my place in your plan and no other person can take your place in my life. Now that I am convinced that you are directing my steps, even when the road seem bleak, I will take the steps. Thank you for being patient with me as I need to be with myself and others
August 05, 2006
Global reality
Bonded to bondage only continues to multiply and add to guilt and fear. A hero of self-sacrifice is a painful agony to perpetually endure while secretly yearning for something more… some freedom and inner peace to assuage the temporary insanity caused by the constant chatter of a mangled movie playing in the psychological theatre.
The cloud of certainty floats right along with clouds of uncertainty and like the converging of two circles- uncertainty and certainty meeting while gliding in the air to form a subset of one
Hard times, glad times rains new meaning on the poor of plenty and the plenty of poor while security poses with as many masks of poses of security.
Self-governing policy, safety and contentment become unfulfilled needs desperately wanting to become satisfied needs continue to moan and wane while desire and comfort relentlessly present superstitious security of pleasure and happiness
The era of cajoling and corralling civilization is making room for the growing generation of globalization and so boldly remove the pink coloured global prescription glasses and look God straight in the eye
The cloud of certainty floats right along with clouds of uncertainty and like the converging of two circles- uncertainty and certainty meeting while gliding in the air to form a subset of one
Hard times, glad times rains new meaning on the poor of plenty and the plenty of poor while security poses with as many masks of poses of security.
Self-governing policy, safety and contentment become unfulfilled needs desperately wanting to become satisfied needs continue to moan and wane while desire and comfort relentlessly present superstitious security of pleasure and happiness
The era of cajoling and corralling civilization is making room for the growing generation of globalization and so boldly remove the pink coloured global prescription glasses and look God straight in the eye
August 04, 2006
No more tinted coloured glasses
Dear Holy Trinity
I am at a low mental state right now and though I know it will not last nor take me away from you I feel helpless right now. I feel like I have just have not accomplished much and I know this thought of failure is just trying to distract me from seeing the good that is. Being so financially broke is having such a blow to my faith right now that I feel that all my efforts to plan carefully and trust you to direct my path have not been successful, well that is what is seem like … this though is far from the truth. I know that in the last 17 months I have made a lot of self-empowering choices in spite of the hurdles in my physical ability. My spiritual and intellectual capabilities have been really anything but unfortunate.
Right now I still have no idea where the five hundred dollars is coming from so I can pay for August’s rent. Is that all there is to my life at this time- a hand to mouth existence, and why? What is this trying to teach me? I feel that it is so challenging to stay focussed on You when I have no evidence that is worthwhile in that I will get the message and lesson from these series of doors closing bang, bang, bang, badangbang.
Where is the right key to the door that leads to my prosperity? As much as I would hate to admit I want to ask you for the master key so I could see what you are doing behind the scenes. I don’t like the thought of working so hard and having no money to pay for my basic needs I am not asking for the moon here you know God, or is that the issue? Am I not asking for enough? .
I feel that all this uncertainty of financial need so unfair in a world where there are individuals with enough money to feed the third world and others having to depend on the scraps that fall off the dining table. I guess this is what Lazarus felt like eh? Boy when I tell you I am confused right now I am not kidding and I don’t intend to entertain the thought that this is a cruel joke to make me reject you or your caring but it is just a bit absurd right now. Why are you not doing something to ease the pain and the nervous tension or to stop that elevator from going down to the pit? Or have you already stopped it and waiting for me to get out. Am I the one to stop it because if that is the case I can’t seem to see the stop button in that elevator.
I suppose that is where I use the power that you gave me. I know jolly well that you will not do for me what I am able to do for myself. Is that one of those times where I can call my shots. Phew! It took me so long to figure that one out. You see what I mean by I do not always get your hints. In spite of all the good intentions things seem contrary to what I hoped from you at this time dear God. I tell you, I can tell how much I have resolved not to run my own show since I surrendered my desire to run away from you when the heat is on…. I still cannot stand the refining fire but my hope is that you would not do that out of spite but instead out of love. I wonder if it breaks your heart to have to allow all this to get to me…. I know you have plans to prosper me but when is that?
Well all my hurriedness will not speed up your process but I just want to set the record straight…. why are you so complicated? God of all possibilities, what is going on right now? My spirit is low and I am not going to polish this part- I do not like this cross. How can I stop this plague that is haunting my mind right now. My weakness is surfacing- I feel so messed up right now, I know that it is a sign that you are in control otherwise I would have crumbled already. Another indication that I am not running my own show! I find myself comparing you to the old description of you I had concocted. He loves me, he loves me not remember those days? I know that is not the real self that is talking when this idea tries to purge all my hope and trust in you. This contradiction is a sure sign that I need to hold on to you tight for dare life. The storm is raging. How much more before you move heaven and earth fro me. Have you stopped pursuing me or am I not pursuing enough… where is our love affair heading to oh God. I need to know. I know that it is a matter time before I look back and hindsight will go ah ha now this makes sense!
Refine me if you will but do not confound me because I don’t believe in defeat. I will stand my ground until this is over- no more am I a crumbling cookie who is afraid to ask for what she wants. Cinderella no longer lives in the cinders, remember the prince came to find her. I know you already found me but it seem to be taking you a lot of time to brush off the cinders. Then and again the prince had to do a lot shoe testing before he got the perfect fit for the perfect shoe. So you are preparing me for the perfect role and this is no picnic.
Now I understand the Psalmist’s lament and rejoicing in one song. I know just how they must have felt when they finish pouring their souls to you. This is better than any treat that money can buy. Whoever cooked up the myth that Christian living is happy go lucky was out to fool your people; I knew that was crap when I began having more thorns in my flesh than I’d expect to have and only when I read about you taking time off to rest and pray did your style begin to make sense. In this world it is called assertiveness.
One thing was always clear in your mind. You were about your Father’s business and no one else. Wow! Well I am about your business and no one else’s; that ought a make my yoke easy and my burden light. Right God? When? Oh patience how I need some more. I have decided that no one else could ever fool me into believing that they are your equal and convince me that it is okay to take your place in my life. I know that you want my undivided attention and I also know that I need your undivided assistance.
At first I was afraid of you or rather now I have got it right I was afraid of your wrath and would do any thing to stop you from hurting me; now I know that was just the enemies strategy to try to bridle my free will. Well no more of that, you created me to be wild and free and so it shall be. After all that is why you were betrayed and crucified and you did not even care to defend your self- you are too big for that! But wait, I remember you were also pleading with God to take away your cross but resigned that it was not as you wished but as God.
I suppose that is what I should be saying now eh! Wow! I am really getting a different perspective on this not that I am emptying my mind and washing my soul. It really is not good to keep what I feel inside especially when I know that you already know my thoughts ad struggles to be like you. Really, what does it profit me to gain the whole world at he expense of my soul? What satisfaction is there to work so hard and come home empty handed… and say my God, My God why are you so cruel? Total nonsense!
Now I know for sure that you did not make a mistake when you fashioned me. Thank you for your gift of power, love and sound mind. I am not the one who is or has ever been crazy. I am most normal. When you brought me to the desert it was to refuel me, not to be scorned and for this I give you the praise. Is it any wonder I picked myself up and dusted myself up… well you had to clean me up tough, right?
In the midst of so much clanging and banging you seem to have not a care in the chaos and I used to wonder why… It feels like time is running out to save the world yet you never hit the panic button… then and again nothing takes you by surprise. I always say I will act like you but that is until something really scare me and there goes my wings flapping and fluttering. I need the wings of an eagle so I can rise above the turbulence.
In spite of all the stormy waters, I am more than ever determined to care for my self- body, mind and soul and of course you know the financial too, not on my own for without you there is no promotion. No more self-punishment to gain unredeemable brownie points.
God is my provider and protector as I continue to live each day wild and pure.
You gave me well being but it is up to me to maintain it for only then I can be available to assist others on the journey of life and back to you.
Thank you for optimistic options
I am at a low mental state right now and though I know it will not last nor take me away from you I feel helpless right now. I feel like I have just have not accomplished much and I know this thought of failure is just trying to distract me from seeing the good that is. Being so financially broke is having such a blow to my faith right now that I feel that all my efforts to plan carefully and trust you to direct my path have not been successful, well that is what is seem like … this though is far from the truth. I know that in the last 17 months I have made a lot of self-empowering choices in spite of the hurdles in my physical ability. My spiritual and intellectual capabilities have been really anything but unfortunate.
Right now I still have no idea where the five hundred dollars is coming from so I can pay for August’s rent. Is that all there is to my life at this time- a hand to mouth existence, and why? What is this trying to teach me? I feel that it is so challenging to stay focussed on You when I have no evidence that is worthwhile in that I will get the message and lesson from these series of doors closing bang, bang, bang, badangbang.
Where is the right key to the door that leads to my prosperity? As much as I would hate to admit I want to ask you for the master key so I could see what you are doing behind the scenes. I don’t like the thought of working so hard and having no money to pay for my basic needs I am not asking for the moon here you know God, or is that the issue? Am I not asking for enough? .
I feel that all this uncertainty of financial need so unfair in a world where there are individuals with enough money to feed the third world and others having to depend on the scraps that fall off the dining table. I guess this is what Lazarus felt like eh? Boy when I tell you I am confused right now I am not kidding and I don’t intend to entertain the thought that this is a cruel joke to make me reject you or your caring but it is just a bit absurd right now. Why are you not doing something to ease the pain and the nervous tension or to stop that elevator from going down to the pit? Or have you already stopped it and waiting for me to get out. Am I the one to stop it because if that is the case I can’t seem to see the stop button in that elevator.
I suppose that is where I use the power that you gave me. I know jolly well that you will not do for me what I am able to do for myself. Is that one of those times where I can call my shots. Phew! It took me so long to figure that one out. You see what I mean by I do not always get your hints. In spite of all the good intentions things seem contrary to what I hoped from you at this time dear God. I tell you, I can tell how much I have resolved not to run my own show since I surrendered my desire to run away from you when the heat is on…. I still cannot stand the refining fire but my hope is that you would not do that out of spite but instead out of love. I wonder if it breaks your heart to have to allow all this to get to me…. I know you have plans to prosper me but when is that?
Well all my hurriedness will not speed up your process but I just want to set the record straight…. why are you so complicated? God of all possibilities, what is going on right now? My spirit is low and I am not going to polish this part- I do not like this cross. How can I stop this plague that is haunting my mind right now. My weakness is surfacing- I feel so messed up right now, I know that it is a sign that you are in control otherwise I would have crumbled already. Another indication that I am not running my own show! I find myself comparing you to the old description of you I had concocted. He loves me, he loves me not remember those days? I know that is not the real self that is talking when this idea tries to purge all my hope and trust in you. This contradiction is a sure sign that I need to hold on to you tight for dare life. The storm is raging. How much more before you move heaven and earth fro me. Have you stopped pursuing me or am I not pursuing enough… where is our love affair heading to oh God. I need to know. I know that it is a matter time before I look back and hindsight will go ah ha now this makes sense!
Refine me if you will but do not confound me because I don’t believe in defeat. I will stand my ground until this is over- no more am I a crumbling cookie who is afraid to ask for what she wants. Cinderella no longer lives in the cinders, remember the prince came to find her. I know you already found me but it seem to be taking you a lot of time to brush off the cinders. Then and again the prince had to do a lot shoe testing before he got the perfect fit for the perfect shoe. So you are preparing me for the perfect role and this is no picnic.
Now I understand the Psalmist’s lament and rejoicing in one song. I know just how they must have felt when they finish pouring their souls to you. This is better than any treat that money can buy. Whoever cooked up the myth that Christian living is happy go lucky was out to fool your people; I knew that was crap when I began having more thorns in my flesh than I’d expect to have and only when I read about you taking time off to rest and pray did your style begin to make sense. In this world it is called assertiveness.
One thing was always clear in your mind. You were about your Father’s business and no one else. Wow! Well I am about your business and no one else’s; that ought a make my yoke easy and my burden light. Right God? When? Oh patience how I need some more. I have decided that no one else could ever fool me into believing that they are your equal and convince me that it is okay to take your place in my life. I know that you want my undivided attention and I also know that I need your undivided assistance.
At first I was afraid of you or rather now I have got it right I was afraid of your wrath and would do any thing to stop you from hurting me; now I know that was just the enemies strategy to try to bridle my free will. Well no more of that, you created me to be wild and free and so it shall be. After all that is why you were betrayed and crucified and you did not even care to defend your self- you are too big for that! But wait, I remember you were also pleading with God to take away your cross but resigned that it was not as you wished but as God.
I suppose that is what I should be saying now eh! Wow! I am really getting a different perspective on this not that I am emptying my mind and washing my soul. It really is not good to keep what I feel inside especially when I know that you already know my thoughts ad struggles to be like you. Really, what does it profit me to gain the whole world at he expense of my soul? What satisfaction is there to work so hard and come home empty handed… and say my God, My God why are you so cruel? Total nonsense!
Now I know for sure that you did not make a mistake when you fashioned me. Thank you for your gift of power, love and sound mind. I am not the one who is or has ever been crazy. I am most normal. When you brought me to the desert it was to refuel me, not to be scorned and for this I give you the praise. Is it any wonder I picked myself up and dusted myself up… well you had to clean me up tough, right?
In the midst of so much clanging and banging you seem to have not a care in the chaos and I used to wonder why… It feels like time is running out to save the world yet you never hit the panic button… then and again nothing takes you by surprise. I always say I will act like you but that is until something really scare me and there goes my wings flapping and fluttering. I need the wings of an eagle so I can rise above the turbulence.
In spite of all the stormy waters, I am more than ever determined to care for my self- body, mind and soul and of course you know the financial too, not on my own for without you there is no promotion. No more self-punishment to gain unredeemable brownie points.
God is my provider and protector as I continue to live each day wild and pure.
You gave me well being but it is up to me to maintain it for only then I can be available to assist others on the journey of life and back to you.
Thank you for optimistic options
August 03, 2006
God's World
Something seems definitely not right with some of the people that's in it. Since we are all connected that in turns affects all the people in it. So as long as we as a whole do not aim to live in harmony it is gonna be a whole lot of tearing and breaking down of lives, morals and souls and this must stop. We must stop and think of what this deep desire really is- to love one another and accept the truth- we all own the land. Any other truth is a big lie and until we as a people recognize that God had given us power, love and sound minds to use for the good of all then we can kiss peace and unity good bye. God will not have no part of our world when his is so wonderfully inviting and peaceful...
Nothing is wrong with the world God made.
Nothing is wrong with the world God made.
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