I woke up this morning to an idea or maybe, it was the idea that woke me up. kind of like, hey Angeal-Eyes, we have something very important to attend to before you do anything else today. I opened my mind, with my eyes still shut tight under the covers. The words played jump around in my head and my heart. Were it just in my head I would have dosed back to my state of sleep before I was interrupted; but when heart and head are in unison I know I have to open my eyes- open my eyes wide, wake up and get up and get the hell out ofcomfortzone bed and into comfort zone of discomfort.
The next thing I know my heart was interrogating me. Wow, it's God talking and not just talking; it's God's turn to ask me a question. Oh boy!
I am wide awake at this point with eyes like saucers. That means I heard the question loud and clear.
But...but...but God, you are God. What did you do wrong? I mean what can you do wrong? Imagine me answering God with a question!
Well God has a point. So many times I held God responsible for a lot of life's circumstance and I was damn sure back then, that God was in all this as the meanest, cruellest creature alive and the fact that God was invisible made all my allegations stand tall like the rock of Gibraltar. The idea of forgiving God never made an inkling of reality until humbleness kicked my butt long and hard and made its way in my prewaking consciousness. I had to take responsibility. I have to take responsibility.
As if I told God the question was not yet processed...
"When are you going to forgive me and say I know what I am doing? When are you going to say sorry for blaming me for the things you thought I did screweduply... eh...when?
Well, I think it is time; now that you are convinced that I, God, always know what's best and all possible good, don't you think?
That was like hearing God settle the case and I began to admit as I understood my heart all too clearly... please forgive me, please love me.
The fact that all I have ever been told to believe is that I am always at God’s mercy and so dependent on this God that I had better never make a mistake and blaspheme this God about this and that or else this God is ale to finish me off. I held my breath because I had already sealed my agreement with this God. "Take the body that you had trouble creating perfectly and leave my breath alone and get the hell away from me!. do you get that!"
It was at that point that God sprinted off to hang out in the Garden of Getshemane. It was also at that point that Jesus realized the size of his responsibility that propaganda gossiped down the tube of time and that it was time that he set the record straight with me- a very awakened spirit.
God knows that I still secretly wonder about unconditional love and forgiveness and my capability to totally achieve and live in that state of grace always and forever without ever messing up... and God knows I am scared! Even an awakened spirit experiences a little scaredness- scaredness , not scarceness.
As I arose to face this day, I confessed that through it all, forgiving God was clearly an awe-inspiring way to start today; it may very well be how I start the rest of my days... although, who knows!
I thought too, that it was a good time to reread Psalms 20, 32, 51, 62, 68, 127, 128, 139 and 144.
And so, I did.
Then I thought God's question and humble request over and over and need I confess... tears flowed like the river of Babylon: I call these 'tears of accepted apology'
The next thing I know my heart was interrogating me. Wow, it's God talking and not just talking; it's God's turn to ask me a question. Oh boy!
I am wide awake at this point with eyes like saucers. That means I heard the question loud and clear.
But...but...but God, you are God. What did you do wrong? I mean what can you do wrong? Imagine me answering God with a question!
Well God has a point. So many times I held God responsible for a lot of life's circumstance and I was damn sure back then, that God was in all this as the meanest, cruellest creature alive and the fact that God was invisible made all my allegations stand tall like the rock of Gibraltar. The idea of forgiving God never made an inkling of reality until humbleness kicked my butt long and hard and made its way in my prewaking consciousness. I had to take responsibility. I have to take responsibility.
As if I told God the question was not yet processed...
"When are you going to forgive me and say I know what I am doing? When are you going to say sorry for blaming me for the things you thought I did screweduply... eh...when?
Well, I think it is time; now that you are convinced that I, God, always know what's best and all possible good, don't you think?
That was like hearing God settle the case and I began to admit as I understood my heart all too clearly... please forgive me, please love me.
The fact that all I have ever been told to believe is that I am always at God’s mercy and so dependent on this God that I had better never make a mistake and blaspheme this God about this and that or else this God is ale to finish me off. I held my breath because I had already sealed my agreement with this God. "Take the body that you had trouble creating perfectly and leave my breath alone and get the hell away from me!. do you get that!"
It was at that point that God sprinted off to hang out in the Garden of Getshemane. It was also at that point that Jesus realized the size of his responsibility that propaganda gossiped down the tube of time and that it was time that he set the record straight with me- a very awakened spirit.
God knows that I still secretly wonder about unconditional love and forgiveness and my capability to totally achieve and live in that state of grace always and forever without ever messing up... and God knows I am scared! Even an awakened spirit experiences a little scaredness- scaredness , not scarceness.
As I arose to face this day, I confessed that through it all, forgiving God was clearly an awe-inspiring way to start today; it may very well be how I start the rest of my days... although, who knows!
I thought too, that it was a good time to reread Psalms 20, 32, 51, 62, 68, 127, 128, 139 and 144.
And so, I did.
Then I thought God's question and humble request over and over and need I confess... tears flowed like the river of Babylon: I call these 'tears of accepted apology'
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