All the time I prayed that God not make me bitter towards people who treat me unkindly, I was actually wanting to pray that God not finish me off for not quite being as smitten with him as I ought to be so it was easier back then to hide my feeling of doubt about God and not admitting how bitter I was with God. I give in to his demands out of fear that if I did not, I would die and go to hell. Years ago, I figured that maybe if I pretended to love God, a God I did not even know or believe in, a God who loved me one minute and the next minute could not be interested in my wellbeing, that would save me when he was separating the wheat from the weed.
Then one day I knew that this game was not fair because knowing my heart he already knew that deep down I would do anything for a glimpse of his glory. Even though I pretended I did not care for God he knew that it was my fear of his wrath that was speaking. Then one day, night or whatever it was, I could no longer contain my resentment for God and how unaccepting I had been about my lot in life so far. I began shedding my fear and of God’s wrath and began coming face to face with who I am beneath the dust. With God it is all or nothing so I had to go into my Well and unpack my truth. At first the joy of knowing God was exciting and then it was time to go where I felt most uncomfortable to go.
Phew!
It turned out that the whole time God knew that my heart was in the right place though matter how upset I was with him. I am standing here in my wilderness about to step into my oasis of wellness and I can finally welcome freedom… the peace that passes all understanding as yesterday’s tears heal tomorrow’s pain. What a relief! How else could I have arrived at the place that I thought was unfathomable and unattainable?
Then one day I knew that this game was not fair because knowing my heart he already knew that deep down I would do anything for a glimpse of his glory. Even though I pretended I did not care for God he knew that it was my fear of his wrath that was speaking. Then one day, night or whatever it was, I could no longer contain my resentment for God and how unaccepting I had been about my lot in life so far. I began shedding my fear and of God’s wrath and began coming face to face with who I am beneath the dust. With God it is all or nothing so I had to go into my Well and unpack my truth. At first the joy of knowing God was exciting and then it was time to go where I felt most uncomfortable to go.
Phew!
It turned out that the whole time God knew that my heart was in the right place though matter how upset I was with him. I am standing here in my wilderness about to step into my oasis of wellness and I can finally welcome freedom… the peace that passes all understanding as yesterday’s tears heal tomorrow’s pain. What a relief! How else could I have arrived at the place that I thought was unfathomable and unattainable?
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