Just checking

Am I on your list or not, dear God? Do you plan on making a way where there seem to be no way? Do I even matter to you or is it true that I have to spend my life earning brownie points to win your favour, too? I don’t know and I am both afraid and frustrated, not to mention damned confused! So please do something to reassure me of your promise to increase my optimism that my life is not useless. I am at a point where hope, trust and obedience in your word that you will grant me my heart’s desires feel like walking in quicksand.

Holy spirit, work with Jesus and intercede to God for me please and ask God why are things looking so bleak. How much longer do I have to spend in this Intensive Care of God and still continue to waver between such bouts deep agnostism and faith? I must have been in real bad shape eh or is it a case of being so oppressed and mired with adversity and negative images of God that keeps me blind from his love and care. I promised to hold on until I see that dark cloud turn to bright light however I am at the end of my patience of believing in things that I cannot see.

Dear God I ask you so many times to help me see past the conglomerate of bloated nothingness, I know that speaking the truth is your guarantee that I will enjoy peace of mind, peace that passes all understanding. I feel like I am begging you instead praying without ceasing. What is that praying without easing mean … that I can pray until doomsday and not hear from you! Is that it? Because I‘d rather not pray at all and just buckle down until death do us part and when I die do not send any angel to carry me to Abraham’s bosom.

Well one thing is favourable in our relationship. I express my thoughts ad feeling about you and my life and freely. I suppose that is one less hurdle to spending face to face without fear of being struck down by your disgust of me speaking my mind to you. Oh well, I guess this is worth credit in the improvement of the quality of our relationship and communication. Maybe I am bonding very tightly to you God and that is frightening and maybe too overwhelming. Are you afraid of becoming too transparent and I may leave you or not be so dependent on you and hat scare the living daylight out of you. That’s something you and I have in common, I guess.

I know that you are not in this advanced payment deals you deliver just when I need it most so doesn’t reassurance mean something to give me reason to believe. Than and again that would make faith obsolete, wouldn’t it? Well please Dear God answer me... say something already. You see this is what I do not like about your style. You don’t talk, and frankly sometime my mind is too tired to figure out what you are telling me. Don’t get me wrong I love thinking for myself, but sometime the child in me expects you to take care of me even when I want an extra long timeout and have my way. I suppose it really is not too late to enjoy a little Narcissism- the part of me that I felt the need to abandon, or rather, suppress even though it felt like gross neglect of being my wonder self, a perfectly normal stage of child development. I wonder if this is why, to this day, I feel that something is wrong with me, now that I pin the feeling to a period of time and space the more aacurate way I can describe this feeling of is that it feels like some crucial part of my being is mising from my consciousness. Is that why I still struggle to regain that little part of me that just seem to fleet away each time I feel convinced that I regained it! Is that why I have been spending so much time rummaging the past and wallowing in the muck of my subconscious. That may very well be what I am looking for...the part of me that I almost forgot about and it is well worth the sleepless days and restless nights.

Would that be the reason why some days I just cannot handle you and I feel that some days you have no clue what to do with me. I keep you on your toes, and you, you just keep me wanting you even when I have no clue why. I suppose that is what made the Israelites hang out in the desert wishing you had left them in Egypt even while all the time they were in that same Egypt they were praying for you to free them from Egypt. Oh Evay...What can I say!

One day, may be one day I will get it and those fights with you will make perfect sense, or no sense at all. So thank you God for the morsel of inspiration and cull of wisdom in the meantime.

Thank you for your infinite healing potential and 20/20 hindsight insight as a result of feeling my feelings –uncensored. This much is well with my soul! Cheers!