One more lesson learnt

I continue the process of coming to terms with my inner turmoil and dealing with whatever is depleting my state of grace and tank of joy. I am at the point in life where I am resolving my inner conflict and its impact on my relationship with myself. I used to let what one person or a few persons think of me influence the quality of my relationships more so of my self respect. Many times I tried not to take what others said and or did personally, but the more I allowed myself to be taken for granted, the more I took myself for granted. Instead of talking to the person or persons about what I like or did not like, I found it easier to isolate myself in an attempt to hide the feeling of hurt and rejection and hoped that they figured it out. This created a vicious cycle and a sense of feeling abandoned.

I am now assessing the emotions that prompted me to feel so insecure in asking for what I want and need from another- be it as a friend, family, employer, colleague and everybody else, for that matter. This is causing me a lot of unnecessary stress. I wish that I had not let fear of rejection and of being alone cripple my confidence in myself. It is okay to be interdependent and it is okay for persons to not like me, love me, or care about my well-being but it is not okay to abandon myself and constantly feel at the mercy of proving myself worthy and loving and 'nice'. I am worthy! I will no longer allow myself to lose my self-respect.

Having others like me on their terms and condition is not worth my sanity and that is a high price to pay for love and acceptance. I cannot take it anymore! I cannot do this to myself anymore and I won't!

People are free to walk away if they do not like me for who I am, just as I am. I no longer intend to change things that I cannot change or control about what makes me, me to fit in or blend in! This is too mcuh work and it has taken its toll on my life and wholeness.

I have learned to love myself… that took much longer than I would care to admit but it is the truth. I am learning to be content with myself just as I am and that is good enough!

That was a lesson I had to learn and I choose to not put it off any longer, waiting for an easier way out, so going forward I will love myself unconditionally.

And so it is!

Another test of faith

Financial ruins have dwindled for months now, yet I continue to rise to the occasion of being alive. Today is not without hope even as I juggle the possibility of making it through balancing a budget with zero income. There is no sign of relief from the peril that threaten to suck me of every bit of optimism still I promise to look on the bright side of things- opportunities of making choices, learning lessons, letting go of what is not important and holding on to what matters, restoring characteristics, thus making me whole and complete.

Taking care of myself first has not come without a price, a price that seem to take its toll with each step I adventure to take on the journey of wholesome living. The rewards so far- mending of crushed heart and broken body and traumatized mind have been beyond a currency that cannot be developed in the mint.

My mind is not enjoying the metamorphosis and its resistance is more than I want to deal with right now. I vow to press on and continue to transform the self-defeating habits than entangle my confidence and assertiveness. Therefore, I am determined to remain courageous and to persevere until the day when the rainbow will not just be a promise but a fulfilled promise. I look forward to dancing into the light even in the darkest moments. In the meantime I press on!

The joy of knowing God

Getting to know God has been very rewarding. I cannot say that it was not without a lot of effort that He wooed me. I am happy that I finally surrendered because I gave up on hiding because I have exhausted my hiding places. There is nowhere I can hide that He would not find me so I quit the darting game.

When I began making steps to encountering God, I was not even sure what I should expect. I was so confused about what relationship with God should be like. I entertained the idea of what a God I want to be intimate with should be but it felt so far fetched that it was easier for me to dismiss the deep longing to know, trust and love God. I was in dire need for someone to love me and take care of me like the one He promised. Back then I felt that God’s standards were so high too high for me to bother with since I did not think I’d qualify to have Him as my Father, let alone my intimate friend.

In despair and vulnerability I told God off for making everything I want so far off my reach. Why do you do that? How more cruel can you be? Just dangling your love and blessings so high in the sky and calling it heaven- a place where I don’t even think I will get close to after I die. If I cannot measure up to anyone ‘s expectation how could I fathom to dream of getting a glance from you? So I had been mocking aimlessly about on this planet doing my things by trial and error and hit and miss. I figured that if you want me like I am desperate for you, you would chase me until you captured me- that was one of my most earnest darndest prayers although back then I stated it as more a challenge than a prayer.

A little while passed and nothing much happened to give me any sign that you were interested to take me up on my offer so I dismissed the remote chance that you would have given ear to my whining and resentful words. In a feat of disgust I screamed at you and then yelled for you in the same breath and there you were! Phew! What took you so long! I looked back at those times and I have no other explanation other than the fact that you had never stopped pursuing me.

At first I did not like you one bit because I expected things to be different. I expected everything I ask you to just come falling from heaven and that did not happen. No matter how nice I spoke to you I just seem to choose the wrong tone or pose when I presented myself to you.

In struggling to do everything right I was doing everything wrong or so it seemed. Of course, this was enough evidence to prove that I would amount to nothing as was foretold to me by the very caregivers who were to support my integrity that I am good, very,very good. For me that was a curse because it meant that God had certainly struck me off his list and oh how it ached my whole self to be reminded that God did not like me or love me.

I was a mistake.

I was never told that so explicitly but that is what my mind interpreted each time I got scolded and scorned, whipped and shamed for reasons I still do not know.

I don’t care to know now because I know God knows. But back then I felt like all I did was a turn off and like a game of snakes and ladders the ladders were beyond reach. You were just too hard to please, my Dear God. I translated to mean that you too, God were never be going to be satisfied with my efforts to earn you love. So I took off and wandered away from you and almost everyone else to find the real God. My search was so intense that I hardly did anything else. I felt like a cat chasing its tail so I gave up before I collapsed.

Well I do not have to remind you of my frustration of trying so hard to please you and everyone else. That was too much work for me to make it to heaven and I know that I did not want to be near the fire of hell especially if it is hotter than the fire that sizzled the guards who went to toss the three brothers in when they disobeyed the king. I tell you those disciples and followers had a real hard time eh! But they never gave up. I did not want to either but I also did not know what else you or anyone else wanted from me.

One thing was certain. In spite of all this, you created you and me, gave me my life to live on your terms but what were the terms? I cannot say that I get the big picture but I know this much- I know it is worth so much that you move heaven and earth to make sure that we never lose sight of each other. I let you win me back and I have not stopped letting you woo me since. Wow!

I am still baffled at your mystery and wonder. The day you removed the scale off my eyes will always be the best day of my life. I used to be so afraid of what you would find in my being and the risk of letting myself be so exposed to you. Yeah right…exposed to someone who knows every cell in my body! The one who formed me and knew me before I was born! My blood curdled when you touched me and breathed on me. That was years ago and you continue to draw me closer and closer each time I open up my life to you.

It was not easy but I savour every bit of the experience for when I found you, I found me and that in it self is priceless.

Thank you for letting me discover you for myself. No other way would have sufficed. Knowing that I am loveable, even though not believing at first, is what sprung me to life during my search for you and ultimately for myself. So I am doing what I can, knowing that you can perfect it to create heaven on earth.

The joy of being me

The more that I remain responsible for making choices and being accountable for the consequences of my decisions, the more I am in control of my attitude and how I feel and deal with challenges, my needs and my life. This has not been easy, and it certainly was frustrating to continue working on restoring my life to a state that God intends me to live. As challenging as it has been, the process has always been just what I needed to keep on aspiring on my goal of attaining optimal living- peace, even in the time of apprehension of doing and being. I know I used to always swamp my life by doing so much yet I used to accomplish very little and sometime, even zilch. I have come to terms with the negative feelings about my self, which this had contributed to and I want to continue to discipline myself so that I can enjoy even the most mundane activity and exercise that I need to accomplish. I continue to transform the mundane into the extraordinary. In so doing, foolish pride will not eat away the self-image that makes me pleasing to God and worthy to be the person He created me to be. Thank you to all who have been helping me towards reclaiming my dignity and authentic self.

There have been people in my life whose role and influence were not what I’d hope for it to be but nonetheless their presence and company very crucial on my journey. I think I missed a lot of lessons that they taught along the way because of my misguided perception, limited outlining of expectation in life, from life, and my poor self assessment and evaluation and lack of belief in myself and of my true worth. I just did not value any bit of my essence. It was a great blow to me. It was as though I told God off for creating me and carrying me thus far. That I must confess has been my most grievous sin. Throughout out these trials He remained determined to make me know and believe that He made no mistake in His plan. Today, even as I continue to unlearn old thoughts and ideas and beliefs about my self worth, and reprogramming/transform my mind, I can only say thank you God, for the courage, patience, determination and perseverance. God is feverishly and meticulously working to restore me to the original creature he designed me. Only He can accomplish such a task!

Some days I feel like the old way of doing things are out to escort me away from the road of personal growth and self-acceptance but I continue to tread on.

Setting goals has never been an issue. It was allowing myself to believe that I was not capable to fulfil them that constantly made them seem too big for me. In retrospect, I have to admit that it was because I fail to recognize my values; well not that I had ever set nay values or boundaries for that matter. I never allow myself to honestly and consciously entertain my heart’s desires. First they were things that I was absolutely sure would be my ticket to rot in hell if I even dare thought of them; like thinking for myself and saying no or yes when I want to, refusing to let another take advantage of me free will. I used to wonder why God would be so cruel to not want to make or have any choices. This was very unfair to put such passion for life, my life and all it boiled down to was life of servitude

I spent many days in dreadfulness that I would not live to amount to anything. Ironically this dread made me wake up about ten years and it has been waking up me up each day since. I am determined to embrace and love my life as the most precious gift God endowed me with.

Oh dear God, thank you for the wilderness, solitude and deep desires. Active participation in my life and well being are a must if I am to enjoy the benefit of healthy and wholesome living. God is helping me just that as I allow Him to guide my steps in His direction, not any wishy-washy tracks. Only then can I be fully be ready and available to assist others on their self-determination and personal growth journey. Thank you so much for revealing my darkest sin to me as well as my most cruel crime against you and against myself. I resolve to never again disrespect myself, disregard my worth in your eyes or violate my essence.

And so it is !

Healing power of tears!

Considering the meanings that have been assigned to crying, I have to admit that none of them describe the true healing quality of my tears!

Yes I have cried for reasons that were easier to disguise than to admit the truth behind my tears. I used to cry because I felt so helpless about how to deal with the pain inside. Pain I could not seem to be able to explain. I choked those tears a long time ago and with that also I buried my wounds. I fooled myself into thinking and believing that time would heal my brokenness, brokeness. Yes I survived but it was only after I began to attend to my wounds, that my life came alive. The process has been exhilarating but also very, very, trying. I am happy that I kept working towards healing my wounds instead of covering them with the band-aid of superwoman and rescue ranger.

Today is one of those days when the Well within me washed away a bit more of the residue from years of toxic emotion build up that has been ravaging my soul. Healing flows to my whole person and encourages me to not resist what I am feeling. Priceless are the tears that promote healing and personal growth and ultimately, restoring my essence.

Ode to my tangles

Thank you God for guiding my direction to walk on life’s path. I always knew that all the health issues were the means to my abundant blessings that money cannot buy: self love, self acceptance, forgiveness, courage, boldness, serenity and a peace that passes all understanding. Is it any wonder that my poems now reading them, some of them, years after I composed them are actually prayers and expressions of my deepest desires as I continue to discern what really is your life your purpose for creating me.

I came this close to abandoning myself and settle for a life of existence and almost gave up my passionate self and the fact that you have plans to prosper me or that you would use me as your disciple. my innermost being and all its senses reminded and assured me that you did not give me anyone else’s life, nor give my life to someone else. You gave me my very own and since you did, I figured that the longings in my heart were meant for me to fulfill and not buried. The thing is they are so big that only you can bring it through in me.

Everything, ouches and all, are what was necessary to take me where I need to be. The unknown was nothing more than my deepest desires disguise as the unfathomable treasure that went into hiding when I stopped living and enjoying the life you gave to me. I almost traded it for a life designed by illusions. The life I have always yearned to live was never imaginary or wishful thinking.
Well I have to ask for your forgiveness for underestimating your power at work in me and for your great love for me.

I know you alone can do what no other power can do. You are the specialist of things that seem most impossible to accomplish so I wait patiently for you do in me and for me that which I earnestly pray for…for starters, a sincere spirit, pure intentions, intimacy…

Thank you for removing the scales that covered my vision. There I thought that it was gone only to find that they were hidden from me. Now I understand why the strings that played on my heart still strummed even in the most trying times when I was at my wits end. That will explain why I kept clinging to the little spark that one day you will bring my aspiration to completion even when nothing made sense and I felt like I was kidding myself that you are on my side.

I am still not perfect nor do I want to kid myself that one day I will be and I am delighted that you never ask that of me nor expect it. That is enough to make me offer my life to you just as it is while I continue to be the best person I can be. Phew! What a relief to know that this is all you require of me or of any of your children for that matter.

Today I live to rejoice for all that I have been through. I remain aware that there are lot more challenges along the way as I continue to journey on this side of heaven. This requires courage, endurance, perseverance, patience, trust and many more qualities that I can have only by letting you restore my character in your Refiner’s Fire. That is why the only promise I can make to you is that when the stormy moments come upon me I will not run away from what you are doing in me, through me, and for me.

clusters of blossoms

the beauty of nature's agony or what seem like a reason for mourning summer is teaching me the joy of turbulence in balancing the trouble of mental adjustment.

Of course, the flowers and leaves seem to explode with more bountiful beauty now that they are swiftly fading back to from whence they came- since they only came in to full blown being using my 10 % to create 90% of me then it is natural to be 100% whatever I want them to become in the deep recess of my sanctum where all is being restored while I let Life take me back to places I need to be right here right now!