The dance with 'darkness'

Dying while I am still alive has been a highly attainable quest. I was, at first, thinking that this was a ludicrous pact with myself. Then and again there comes a point when living without my essence is not an option. Entertaining the idea to prove that God and eternal life have nothing to do with mouldering in a grave was a challenge I was not about to give up no matter how crazy I was becoming. Mouldering in a grave waiting for all the things describes in Revelation was surely a more absurd aspiration than my quest for eternity while I am alive and full of vigour with breath surfing in my being.

Once I set my feet on the road that leads to Paradise I began rewriting my belief about God; of God. Each layer of the past that violated my bond with God was shattered. I was not always in agreement with how God planned the programme to accomplish His Purpose and in hindsight my underlying goal; yet even when I was dragging my feet and pouting at God, I was all for letting God unbound me from the illusion that God and I are separate and that my absolute connection is only identified by the taboos, norms, mores, dogmas and rules as defined and outlined by beliefs invented by fellow human beings.

I travelled high and low and around this groove that seem like the most dangerous precipice and if I miss that aim … oh yo yoy! my most serious mission was seeming more and more something I should abandon. Still I was very adamant at making that leap over that gap that seems to keep God off limits and be on the same side as God!

I began to argue with God until I thought God could take no more ranting and raving from me. I imagine God running away from my fury! I prayed all kinds of prayers pleading that God end this formidable distance so I can enjoy this pursuit. Then God was all this time God was using his omnipotence to attract my spirit and making me more conscious of my divinity. It was then that I realized that the problem was all in the condition of my perception. I began overcoming the limitation of form and let my life float in the realm of uncertainty and my consciousness of my connection with God and watched the gap closed.


Phew!

I am still breathing, in touch with God and taking this dying as death of false notions and rational of God. Looking back at all the times I scrambled on the way beneath my cross of “letting go the comfort and the wounds”, I understand what Jesus’ Calvary was like.

I know for sure that God and I are one. In fact there was never any actual severing from God and me and so there is no need to struggle to win the race to make it to the pearly gates!