The passion, yes the burning desires to be myself was choked by all the thoughts that being and expressing the alluring creature I am is unworthy in God’s sight. My zest for being alive was always my biggest goal yet for decades I kept hiding my desires because they seemed far from what God was encouraging me to do- accept my whole person. I felt that some part of me was totally lopsided and misaligned with God’s idea of a whole person.
So I buried my passionate soul and did everything to keep it from reminding me that I have feelings and that they are real, just like God is real. I kept thinking if I felt in certain ways contrary to what God expects of me then God should have been selective about the desires he planted in my soul. I would say to God, “But God, wouldn’t that be very displeasing to you?” only to have spirit dismissed my nonsense and goon on with its cry that I cease bowdlerizing it each time it wants to express itself.
I used to wonder why would God make me with such a zesty, alluring soul and then let it build up until I had to conjure unfaithful thoughts about it and then remind my spirit that God must have been crazy to give me something that God would refrain me from enjoying as part of my sacredness and then taunt me about it ever so often to the point that accepting my sanctity felt like murder of my most innermost self.
I was this close to wanting to attempt living a vapid life as I kept denying myself of my most intimate self, and despising the fact that keeping myself extremely busy to not dwell on my feelings was never enough to make God take them away or stop them from surfacing- period.
I figure and sense that it must be of some good to God so I ask God to help me to love everything about myself and that includes my feelings, my soul and it passionate personality. God said a loud amen and assured me that without being in touch with my feelings I would not be in touch with myself or God!
The anger subsided and my soul breathed a sigh of salvation!!! Oohh lalah
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