Elated Exalted Emotions

Underlying cause of anxiety eroded, exploding God’s hideaway and exposed the fact that I was afraid of being unlovable and the truth that I know not how to love myself as myself and how petrified I felt because I thought that I was unacceptable to God. Those had been my biggest offences that choked God, bankrupted my spirit, massacred my mind, sacrileged my soul and battered my body.

The God I used to believe in then was uncaring and unable to redeem and sanctify me. That pisssed off to the point when my pretty prayers transformed to disdained discourse with this God

Afterall.

I had kept all the commandments delivered on Mount Sinai
I had kept all the commandments dispensed by social system
I had kept all the commandments designed by family feud
I had kept all the commandments doctrined by religious rites
I had kept all the commandments dictated by the legal legislatures
I had kept all the commandments domesticated by political promises

And,

God just kept getting more and more distant and I was more and more reluctant to believe anything everyone taught, shared, believe and trusted unequivocally. I always wanted a little something more from the God of impeccability. I had no intention of giving up or dying to find love; be love and lovable and I sure was not willing to consider sacrificial suffering in exchange for one more ounce of distilled grace laced with conditions to consummate functional features of God. That God by proxy was not in my mind a worthwhile substitute of avoiding hell or eligibility for love, approval of reward as avoidance of punishment.

So I cursed and denounced all learnt commandments. I broke all commitment to submissively obey commands and I resigned from believing. If God detest of me because of sins I never committed... I decided that if God was going to be this mean enough to suspend his love pending its verdict of judgement then his love is as illegitimate as all the laws that reinforce its existence then it is a God I can live without. The separation caused even more anxiety as I drifted along the deserted dome of earth for near a decade.

I created my own bible of beliefs and that’s when my sin came in full view- I had forgotten that I was already love and lovable and God was waiting for me.

I no longer feared that God will take my dreams and talents away as I thought it use to take away all near and dear; and my supper, my heart’s desire of passionate living and loving, my joys; my full freedom. I spoke out loud to the God that could attest to my innocence and its innocence stating that if I were being disciplined it would have to be of legitimate cause. That God heard me loud and clear. All the punishment that gave me identity, personality and character disintegrated and the God who was listening to my sullen spirit began reconstructing the landscape of imagination, reinforced its foundation and erected new rods in my DNA and roads on the map of my mind and since I was still alive after all this then I agreed that this is the God of my making who first made me.

Loving myself on God’s terms is becoming more and more practical. Old patterns of conditioning dissolved when God directly dispelled my anxiety and created even more room in my awareness of what God deems to remain important- God tops the list. Guilt, fear and their close and distant relatives have been erased from my emotional bank when God used it eraser to permanently void their marks and stains