Here I am enjoying a moment of hindsight joining dots that makes ‘once upon an event of oh shit receive their ah ha! now I understand why this had to happen and that happened the way it happened when it happened
Life situations had to first make me aware of the maladies that were irritating my consciousness to the point that brought on such severe episodes of feeling unwanted, abandoned and worthless.
Why would God allow such tyranny of thoughts and actions done long ago haunt my sanity like this! What the badangbadangbadang are you trying to prove on my account oh you creator of beings in your image and likeness? Why am I having such trouble even believing that, let alone accepting- that the same creator who makes all things good creates all people equally. And that God has a wonderful idea in its plan to help with a heroic mission….
Back then I concluded that this was all a trap of crap hence I persistently was on God's case...
Don’t mess with me because you have no clue what to do to make me trust you and myself. Deep down inside me I had this felt sense that there is a gem in me that I would be damned to let anything or anyone take it away and yet there I was outrightly rejecting it and vowing to make life meaningful all on my own if I have to.
That turned out to be my best shot! That decision turned on a light bulb that shone on an invisible survey sheet lurking in space and unscrolling to reveal questions that I needed to answer. Along with it was an unsigned memo: ‘That’s a girl”! The light bulb went off. The questions made me awake and kept me awake. The answers required such deep introspection that I felt a kind of drowsiness pull me deeper into self doubt, only this time the darn questions made memories twirl in my consciousness. The bed rocked as if even my resting place of comfort was kicking me out. At the same time all kind of dead and decayed dreams became alive. Holy ghost, what on earth are you doing!
Okay Nympha Angeal-Eyes Francis. A holy breeze regained it power of speech. What a gem you are! Stop giving yourself such bad rap all because of some surly statements of ignorance of who you really are. Those claims were not even about Life's idea of you. Wake up, wake up. It is time to access your built-in strength and courage and let wisdom do the rest
This is the real Mc Coy speaking...
Real Mc Coy?
You got that right...
Frankly I admit that I gave you some rough tough situations most of which contradicted and messed with the mind yet never was harsh enough to deceive your heart and that is what is this something you were firmly committed to making sure was never taken away from you- your heart and all its good. That is why you always knew when something was not quite right even though sometimes you could not quite figure out the heart when you sensed inner turmoil and the mind during external conflict. Now whom do you think created you that way? eh?
My first answer was half cream half curse
Oh shit! oh myyy God, is that you, is that really my real McCoy?
The survey became less scary as it stayed suspended in the heaven of my mind for decades where it was equally visible to my heart so I can have a good look at what is inside me all the time
Still that was not enough back then to save the mind from episodes of needing reassurance. Each time the mind insistently tried to darken soul's path, heart remain steadfast and I referred to the survey from heaven as back up. I continued to question the heart why this is so; why still lessons that make me go where all there seem to be is more callous chaos that encourages the mind to make me believe that I am crazy and you agreeing without any qualms
Do you want to know why?
With the greatest degree of apprehension I said, of course I want to... and ta-da more lessons
I lashed out at heart so outrageously! Of course I felt the impact of the blow and immediately I had to take in to Life’s intensive care because I sensed that this is the only way to permanently stop the squealing of mind's gushing.
Heart was broken, I felt broken and in that instant heart reflected to me what I was allowing the mind to do to it and to me.
then came heart's message in the most taciturn tone...
...self love lessons taught in a way I would never have considered worthwhile way of making bruisers take on a new meaning in my memory and in a manner I would never have dreamt of oh shit becoming ah ha when I no longer feel any compulsion to pose the ‘am I worthy or, not’ question to Life raw as pure
Heart knows that I am able to love myself and this is the highest state of worth one can enjoy and also liberate any moment in time. Life continues to check in on me inquiring, do you love me, do you love you and heart mind and soul answer with music from Life’s instruments inside out; not to mention great choreography created with Nature
Self love- a gift that makes self-responsibility for healing rake in profit that makes all the pharmaceutical industries assets measure up to nothing on the grand scale
and that's what heart, Life and God had been offering me to choose through life situations- the whole of life situations. My best worst efforts combined says here’s to unsolicited flashback-in-time which brought on the oh shit phenomenon now reappearing in the present with bravado ah-ha, Nympha Angeal-Eyes Francis how great art thou improved perception and ability to transmute and transcend old recordings and scars of the past and to trust me.
Life situations had to first make me aware of the maladies that were irritating my consciousness to the point that brought on such severe episodes of feeling unwanted, abandoned and worthless.
Why would God allow such tyranny of thoughts and actions done long ago haunt my sanity like this! What the badangbadangbadang are you trying to prove on my account oh you creator of beings in your image and likeness? Why am I having such trouble even believing that, let alone accepting- that the same creator who makes all things good creates all people equally. And that God has a wonderful idea in its plan to help with a heroic mission….
Back then I concluded that this was all a trap of crap hence I persistently was on God's case...
Don’t mess with me because you have no clue what to do to make me trust you and myself. Deep down inside me I had this felt sense that there is a gem in me that I would be damned to let anything or anyone take it away and yet there I was outrightly rejecting it and vowing to make life meaningful all on my own if I have to.
That turned out to be my best shot! That decision turned on a light bulb that shone on an invisible survey sheet lurking in space and unscrolling to reveal questions that I needed to answer. Along with it was an unsigned memo: ‘That’s a girl”! The light bulb went off. The questions made me awake and kept me awake. The answers required such deep introspection that I felt a kind of drowsiness pull me deeper into self doubt, only this time the darn questions made memories twirl in my consciousness. The bed rocked as if even my resting place of comfort was kicking me out. At the same time all kind of dead and decayed dreams became alive. Holy ghost, what on earth are you doing!
Okay Nympha Angeal-Eyes Francis. A holy breeze regained it power of speech. What a gem you are! Stop giving yourself such bad rap all because of some surly statements of ignorance of who you really are. Those claims were not even about Life's idea of you. Wake up, wake up. It is time to access your built-in strength and courage and let wisdom do the rest
This is the real Mc Coy speaking...
Real Mc Coy?
You got that right...
Frankly I admit that I gave you some rough tough situations most of which contradicted and messed with the mind yet never was harsh enough to deceive your heart and that is what is this something you were firmly committed to making sure was never taken away from you- your heart and all its good. That is why you always knew when something was not quite right even though sometimes you could not quite figure out the heart when you sensed inner turmoil and the mind during external conflict. Now whom do you think created you that way? eh?
My first answer was half cream half curse
Oh shit! oh myyy God, is that you, is that really my real McCoy?
The survey became less scary as it stayed suspended in the heaven of my mind for decades where it was equally visible to my heart so I can have a good look at what is inside me all the time
Still that was not enough back then to save the mind from episodes of needing reassurance. Each time the mind insistently tried to darken soul's path, heart remain steadfast and I referred to the survey from heaven as back up. I continued to question the heart why this is so; why still lessons that make me go where all there seem to be is more callous chaos that encourages the mind to make me believe that I am crazy and you agreeing without any qualms
Do you want to know why?
With the greatest degree of apprehension I said, of course I want to... and ta-da more lessons
I lashed out at heart so outrageously! Of course I felt the impact of the blow and immediately I had to take in to Life’s intensive care because I sensed that this is the only way to permanently stop the squealing of mind's gushing.
Heart was broken, I felt broken and in that instant heart reflected to me what I was allowing the mind to do to it and to me.
then came heart's message in the most taciturn tone...
...self love lessons taught in a way I would never have considered worthwhile way of making bruisers take on a new meaning in my memory and in a manner I would never have dreamt of oh shit becoming ah ha when I no longer feel any compulsion to pose the ‘am I worthy or, not’ question to Life raw as pure
Heart knows that I am able to love myself and this is the highest state of worth one can enjoy and also liberate any moment in time. Life continues to check in on me inquiring, do you love me, do you love you and heart mind and soul answer with music from Life’s instruments inside out; not to mention great choreography created with Nature
Self love- a gift that makes self-responsibility for healing rake in profit that makes all the pharmaceutical industries assets measure up to nothing on the grand scale
and that's what heart, Life and God had been offering me to choose through life situations- the whole of life situations. My best worst efforts combined says here’s to unsolicited flashback-in-time which brought on the oh shit phenomenon now reappearing in the present with bravado ah-ha, Nympha Angeal-Eyes Francis how great art thou improved perception and ability to transmute and transcend old recordings and scars of the past and to trust me.
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