Dear dissolver of isolation and mistrust
It has been a while since I am traversing on this fork of the road and you already knew and know all too well that some moments would be more elating and exhilarating than most of the way and so far I have been able to stay on par with Life. Thank you very much for never leaving me alone, or disquiet even though that is all my mind felt. You see those were my biggest stressors along the way as I made my own headway at my own pace in transmuting my fears and angst about life through my own transference of how life developed for me through my own neurosis.
It has been a while since I am traversing on this fork of the road and you already knew and know all too well that some moments would be more elating and exhilarating than most of the way and so far I have been able to stay on par with Life. Thank you very much for never leaving me alone, or disquiet even though that is all my mind felt. You see those were my biggest stressors along the way as I made my own headway at my own pace in transmuting my fears and angst about life through my own transference of how life developed for me through my own neurosis.
Of course why else did I not trust God to be my lifetime guarantor and what on earth did Life and Death ever do to me to make me despise them for so long. Taking everything I cherished away from me was not my idea of a loving father let alone almighty God; and always falling short in life was not my idea of life’s greatest rewards for being alive or even for the dead and dying.
Well life also knew my deep hidden compassion for it and for the way I wrestled with it so as to feel powerful all on my own. I crumbled, mumbled, grumbled and stumbled from the emotional load of finding out for my self what life would be like without the need for a love-punishing God or Earth and its merits for favourites worthy of all that made Cinderella’s story an understatement of heavenly preferential treatment.
It took me a lot of bruisers to understand that those life situations were not meant to help me diss God, Life and Earth as real proof of my need to be so ever independent; it was to help me convince myself of what I felt was contradictory to what I already knew way before my time on this planet in this lifetime. Is it any wonder I felt so encouraged to find out for myself about this God, Life, Earth and all that I feel was far more important to me than acquiring all the money in the world and having the best behaved family and earning brownie points to attain heavenly status without ever blemishing my life view of true happiness or ever stating my disgust for having to make decisions based on someone else idea of morality and loyalty of immortal mortality; of mortal immortality and hold myself so responsible that I cursed God for not making me whole and complete as I want to be and keep me that way.
Responsibility became as twisted as metal which has come in contact with life’s force on high impact- that is what life situations were like to me and I truly and honestly resented that as a sign that I in fact loved life dearly and loved myself immensely and that loving everyone was actually more draining than I expected it to be and to have even thought of that was already a mortal sin that would land me straight in hell and if that was enough to land me in hell why then should I withhold my honest feeling of admitting the cross of burden of loving everyone at every cost! And that the fate of a barbecued eternity was my saving grace for wanting a little bit of life to relish like a juicy mango. That was a bit more morbid than I felt was redeeming or worth resurrecting for. And yet, were there no illusions, I would have probably taken life for granted and treated myself with little integrity and self worth would not only have remained stunted it would have already shrivel off just like the dry umbilical cord that once connected me directly to everything I need to exist and survive without the agony of striving.
Well life also knew my deep hidden compassion for it and for the way I wrestled with it so as to feel powerful all on my own. I crumbled, mumbled, grumbled and stumbled from the emotional load of finding out for my self what life would be like without the need for a love-punishing God or Earth and its merits for favourites worthy of all that made Cinderella’s story an understatement of heavenly preferential treatment.
It took me a lot of bruisers to understand that those life situations were not meant to help me diss God, Life and Earth as real proof of my need to be so ever independent; it was to help me convince myself of what I felt was contradictory to what I already knew way before my time on this planet in this lifetime. Is it any wonder I felt so encouraged to find out for myself about this God, Life, Earth and all that I feel was far more important to me than acquiring all the money in the world and having the best behaved family and earning brownie points to attain heavenly status without ever blemishing my life view of true happiness or ever stating my disgust for having to make decisions based on someone else idea of morality and loyalty of immortal mortality; of mortal immortality and hold myself so responsible that I cursed God for not making me whole and complete as I want to be and keep me that way.
Responsibility became as twisted as metal which has come in contact with life’s force on high impact- that is what life situations were like to me and I truly and honestly resented that as a sign that I in fact loved life dearly and loved myself immensely and that loving everyone was actually more draining than I expected it to be and to have even thought of that was already a mortal sin that would land me straight in hell and if that was enough to land me in hell why then should I withhold my honest feeling of admitting the cross of burden of loving everyone at every cost! And that the fate of a barbecued eternity was my saving grace for wanting a little bit of life to relish like a juicy mango. That was a bit more morbid than I felt was redeeming or worth resurrecting for. And yet, were there no illusions, I would have probably taken life for granted and treated myself with little integrity and self worth would not only have remained stunted it would have already shrivel off just like the dry umbilical cord that once connected me directly to everything I need to exist and survive without the agony of striving.
Living is all I ever longed for- living my very own morsel of Life; of Existence- something I had chronically believed was often at stake. I mean if God wants something of me why is it God always chooses some comfort that I want and often feel I need so much that I would rather slay God than give up my breath and my will. Of course the fear of what could happen if I eliminated God was too much out of my character buildup to even bring my self to confess my personal truth of a ruffian god even though I would have preferred to not care so much about all of that. Frankly caring became synonymous with death and death was not always my welcomed friend until lately when I understood that death is my compassion to living life- a full life. What was a full life anyway? I had to ask myself pretending I was talking with God!
Here I am at yet another painstaking fork of the road on the journey and I am happy to be me. That is a giant leap where isolation and mistrust cannot catch up with me; of course they keep trying to distract me by saying I am going the wrong way- wrong way maybe for them, certainly the uncertainty of what I need to do, say, do or know keeps me anchored in the treasure of trust and truth. I continue to trust that I am saying, being, doing, thinking and knowing what I need to appropriately; and that to me is the most whole I have been in my life so far.
Why I want to live and how I am supposed to live is up to me; God and Life have already approved of me, unconditionally- and I am responsible to love myself unconditionally- wholesomely; and I am doing so with each inhale and exhale. Letting go is not easy; it is however, an acceptable step of life and living well and is as much a necessity as breathing
Here I am at yet another painstaking fork of the road on the journey and I am happy to be me. That is a giant leap where isolation and mistrust cannot catch up with me; of course they keep trying to distract me by saying I am going the wrong way- wrong way maybe for them, certainly the uncertainty of what I need to do, say, do or know keeps me anchored in the treasure of trust and truth. I continue to trust that I am saying, being, doing, thinking and knowing what I need to appropriately; and that to me is the most whole I have been in my life so far.
Why I want to live and how I am supposed to live is up to me; God and Life have already approved of me, unconditionally- and I am responsible to love myself unconditionally- wholesomely; and I am doing so with each inhale and exhale. Letting go is not easy; it is however, an acceptable step of life and living well and is as much a necessity as breathing
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