It was not too long ago when gnawing questions about me, God, and everything exploded and splashed all over God’s workstation. That was something else! I could no longer keep these questions, doubts- honest doubt, and no nonsense allegations about the real essence of what makes things come to being just with a word. I no longer wanted to feed on super-sized serving of mental junk food about God and the right and best way to make it to eternity instead of maggot world.
If I had not attend to the brew of eyeball to eyeball interlude with God I would have gone ballistic, so ballistic that even God would have run for cover; so it was that, or agreeing to just address those magnitude of questions directly. I mean if children can write to Santa with such pure innocence and trust why can’t I communicate with God with such pure intent. Imagine giving God ultimatum that’s not just gutsy- it was inevitable were I to totally accept and surrender to God. If that what is called narcissist’s behaviour or that part of me that I skipped four decades ago that insist on getting some attention before it bowed out of the attention stadium, tehn so be it. When life becomes so important, when what its claws reveal are fragility, fragileness and preciousness then I will grab life and hang on to it. This is serious business and at the same time a very delicate matter… this is no joke! Needless to say, my fighter’s spirit spread its fangs and hell retracted its claws so I approach divine chambers where God and I began what is fast becoming rewarding and raw reality- uncut.
Looking back I saw ahead scenes that nudged me to move along and then I turn to move forward and was not sure which way was forward or behind- was I mesmerized. I felt so stuck moving at full speed. It wasn’t funny! I let that whirlwind did whatever it wanted- of course I cursed it for pining me down and pleaded it to do whatever it had to do and hurry up and get on with it so I can begin to get over it. I did not think I had it in me to be so livid that I walk miles and not even know it – walking miles in the middle of the night. That was better than pillow punching. I was frightened and relieved when discharged from the anger’s grip- glad it was over.. it took a long time and it was over before I knew it. Dissolved and rendered harmless that’s when fear stopped provoking to fuel my anxiety. I was very afraid of the consequences of releasing my sincere doubt of after life, of God, of everything. I was clinging on to the tip of the branch of agnotism and the edge of ad finitum ready to shake hands with the creator. Torn between a moment of boldness and split seconds of trepidation. No amount of planning could have prepared me for this close encounter with spiritual feistiness. I could die with no one knowing my yoyo relationship with God and pray that no one finds out or I could just be straight with God on the matter. Tough call either way! Not being straight with God was more tragic and I was not about to risk fooling myself either that God would not find out. Who enjoys living like that!
So I knocked on heaven’s door; it was already open and so long as I live this is something I have no desire to defend. I made it in life to enjoy the struggle within me to be point blank with my changing moods about the unchangeable. Were it not for that I would have given up on my personal relationship with the God of my understanding. I must, I still have questions and I suspect I always will.
And God already knows!
If I had not attend to the brew of eyeball to eyeball interlude with God I would have gone ballistic, so ballistic that even God would have run for cover; so it was that, or agreeing to just address those magnitude of questions directly. I mean if children can write to Santa with such pure innocence and trust why can’t I communicate with God with such pure intent. Imagine giving God ultimatum that’s not just gutsy- it was inevitable were I to totally accept and surrender to God. If that what is called narcissist’s behaviour or that part of me that I skipped four decades ago that insist on getting some attention before it bowed out of the attention stadium, tehn so be it. When life becomes so important, when what its claws reveal are fragility, fragileness and preciousness then I will grab life and hang on to it. This is serious business and at the same time a very delicate matter… this is no joke! Needless to say, my fighter’s spirit spread its fangs and hell retracted its claws so I approach divine chambers where God and I began what is fast becoming rewarding and raw reality- uncut.
Looking back I saw ahead scenes that nudged me to move along and then I turn to move forward and was not sure which way was forward or behind- was I mesmerized. I felt so stuck moving at full speed. It wasn’t funny! I let that whirlwind did whatever it wanted- of course I cursed it for pining me down and pleaded it to do whatever it had to do and hurry up and get on with it so I can begin to get over it. I did not think I had it in me to be so livid that I walk miles and not even know it – walking miles in the middle of the night. That was better than pillow punching. I was frightened and relieved when discharged from the anger’s grip- glad it was over.. it took a long time and it was over before I knew it. Dissolved and rendered harmless that’s when fear stopped provoking to fuel my anxiety. I was very afraid of the consequences of releasing my sincere doubt of after life, of God, of everything. I was clinging on to the tip of the branch of agnotism and the edge of ad finitum ready to shake hands with the creator. Torn between a moment of boldness and split seconds of trepidation. No amount of planning could have prepared me for this close encounter with spiritual feistiness. I could die with no one knowing my yoyo relationship with God and pray that no one finds out or I could just be straight with God on the matter. Tough call either way! Not being straight with God was more tragic and I was not about to risk fooling myself either that God would not find out. Who enjoys living like that!
So I knocked on heaven’s door; it was already open and so long as I live this is something I have no desire to defend. I made it in life to enjoy the struggle within me to be point blank with my changing moods about the unchangeable. Were it not for that I would have given up on my personal relationship with the God of my understanding. I must, I still have questions and I suspect I always will.
And God already knows!
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