The joy of knowing God

Getting to know God has been very rewarding. I cannot say that it was not without a lot of effort that He wooed me. I am happy that I finally surrendered because I gave up on hiding because I have exhausted my hiding places. There is nowhere I can hide that He would not find me so I quit the darting game.

When I began making steps to encountering God, I was not even sure what I should expect. I was so confused about what relationship with God should be like. I entertained the idea of what a God I want to be intimate with should be but it felt so far fetched that it was easier for me to dismiss the deep longing to know, trust and love God. I was in dire need for someone to love me and take care of me like the one He promised. Back then I felt that God’s standards were so high too high for me to bother with since I did not think I’d qualify to have Him as my Father, let alone my intimate friend.

In despair and vulnerability I told God off for making everything I want so far off my reach. Why do you do that? How more cruel can you be? Just dangling your love and blessings so high in the sky and calling it heaven- a place where I don’t even think I will get close to after I die. If I cannot measure up to anyone ‘s expectation how could I fathom to dream of getting a glance from you? So I had been mocking aimlessly about on this planet doing my things by trial and error and hit and miss. I figured that if you want me like I am desperate for you, you would chase me until you captured me- that was one of my most earnest darndest prayers although back then I stated it as more a challenge than a prayer.

A little while passed and nothing much happened to give me any sign that you were interested to take me up on my offer so I dismissed the remote chance that you would have given ear to my whining and resentful words. In a feat of disgust I screamed at you and then yelled for you in the same breath and there you were! Phew! What took you so long! I looked back at those times and I have no other explanation other than the fact that you had never stopped pursuing me.

At first I did not like you one bit because I expected things to be different. I expected everything I ask you to just come falling from heaven and that did not happen. No matter how nice I spoke to you I just seem to choose the wrong tone or pose when I presented myself to you.

In struggling to do everything right I was doing everything wrong or so it seemed. Of course, this was enough evidence to prove that I would amount to nothing as was foretold to me by the very caregivers who were to support my integrity that I am good, very,very good. For me that was a curse because it meant that God had certainly struck me off his list and oh how it ached my whole self to be reminded that God did not like me or love me.

I was a mistake.

I was never told that so explicitly but that is what my mind interpreted each time I got scolded and scorned, whipped and shamed for reasons I still do not know.

I don’t care to know now because I know God knows. But back then I felt like all I did was a turn off and like a game of snakes and ladders the ladders were beyond reach. You were just too hard to please, my Dear God. I translated to mean that you too, God were never be going to be satisfied with my efforts to earn you love. So I took off and wandered away from you and almost everyone else to find the real God. My search was so intense that I hardly did anything else. I felt like a cat chasing its tail so I gave up before I collapsed.

Well I do not have to remind you of my frustration of trying so hard to please you and everyone else. That was too much work for me to make it to heaven and I know that I did not want to be near the fire of hell especially if it is hotter than the fire that sizzled the guards who went to toss the three brothers in when they disobeyed the king. I tell you those disciples and followers had a real hard time eh! But they never gave up. I did not want to either but I also did not know what else you or anyone else wanted from me.

One thing was certain. In spite of all this, you created you and me, gave me my life to live on your terms but what were the terms? I cannot say that I get the big picture but I know this much- I know it is worth so much that you move heaven and earth to make sure that we never lose sight of each other. I let you win me back and I have not stopped letting you woo me since. Wow!

I am still baffled at your mystery and wonder. The day you removed the scale off my eyes will always be the best day of my life. I used to be so afraid of what you would find in my being and the risk of letting myself be so exposed to you. Yeah right…exposed to someone who knows every cell in my body! The one who formed me and knew me before I was born! My blood curdled when you touched me and breathed on me. That was years ago and you continue to draw me closer and closer each time I open up my life to you.

It was not easy but I savour every bit of the experience for when I found you, I found me and that in it self is priceless.

Thank you for letting me discover you for myself. No other way would have sufficed. Knowing that I am loveable, even though not believing at first, is what sprung me to life during my search for you and ultimately for myself. So I am doing what I can, knowing that you can perfect it to create heaven on earth.