prayer and confession

Just when I had all the carefully chosen words for my prayer and request as good as it gets, I found myself rambunctiously arguing with God, asking Him all those forbidden questions and reminding Him of all the good things He promised that He didn’t follow through with yet. After all the time I spent formulating what to say, so much effort choosing the right word, the best time to pause, the impeccable tone and articulation as I rehearsed my visit with God and how well it would go and how impressed He would be with me for being such a polite, young lady with top of the line etiquette, this is what comes out of my mouth?

In what felt like a minute I had given Him an earful of complaints. I questioned His faithfulness to provide for all my cares when I give them to Him; what’s with so many lean years; where did I detour so badly that I couldn’t find my way back to Him and why he did not do a better job at looking for me or better yet preventing me from straying so far away from His direction. Oh the groaning got louder and louder and the tears poured as though from a giant gouge in the valley of my hearts and flowed down my cheeks.

Where’s the please, thank you very much, excuse me and that’s okay, sincerely, sorry and all those do’s and don’t when praying?

Am I even close to being anywhere you intend me to be? Am I even the person you designed when you created me. What’s the deal here, God?

Answer me already my mute friend. I promise to never run away from you again and I am at this point very tempted to tell you off even more and even thinking of running away from your presence forever without abandoning myself.

The amazing thing is that all this time God was weeping. I didn’t care to give Him a chance to explain. I did not even realized that he had borrowed my eyes and tears duct to relieve himself. I just scowled and continued ranting. He never tried to interrupt me either or remind me of all the nice things He knew I was grateful for- having a safe place to stay; food to eat; loved ones who care, the courage to be myself and the gift of another day to express my originalness. I had decided to lift remind him of all those who are facing daily battles with the business of living such as health, homelessness, and financial issues as well as those whose spiritual wells are dry.

In the end I interceded only after I had told Him exactly what was going on in my mind that influenced how I feel about myself. I know better than not to blame Him but since He knows exactly what is going to do with all my tangles, I inquire of Him, and command that He fill me in. I often think that if only He would give me a hint of what to expect and why, I would be satisfy with waitingin patiently and not be anxious. I know all too well that He does not work like that and He has good reason but I somehow feel better after I lay it on the line. It’s not like it was a surprise to Him in any way!

He came closer as though waiting for that moment. I knew that it was my turn to listen and listen attentively. After telling Him exactly how I felt, I would expect Him to just walk away or even worse he would whack me and knock me right out of His sight and then walk away without looking back. He did not! He picked me up, sat me on His lap and whispered, I forgive you, I love you and I knew this was coming. Thank you for being honest and telling me what bothers you. I know you do not understand me or my plan and that frightens you but be not afraid. What you see is not all that is.

I know that you are not convinced that this too will pass but it will and you will be very pleased with what I use you to do for me. Two hours later I was at peace with myself about my life's circumstances. I do not often bring myself to the point to pray like this but when I do, I seek, knock, and ask of God very fervently.

My heart aches as I watch you struggle to not grumble and I reach for you and encourage you to tell me exactly what hurts and what feels good. I created you and I know just how much you can take, so please do not allow yourself to be fooled to going beyond your breaking point. Even Jesus had breaking points and He ran to me for comfort. You are doing that, yet I feel that you sometimes take too long before you pour out your heart to me and those are the times that you hurt even more because you are not too sure what I will do or say to you, and that causes you too much anxiety.

Do not be afraid …reverence for me is all I ask of you. Let that encourage you and remember that I am not in the business of putting you down and I do not play games with what I have placed in your heart- your deepest desires have been placed there by me. Stop thinking of yourself as someone who just can’t get things right! That certainly is not how I reveal yourself to you so continue to reach out to who you are, my child.

Thank you dear God for the one on one time to meet with you just as I am; for listening to me and being so caring and attentive. You model attentive listening so fabulously that I am beginning to interrupt you less and less when it is my turn to listen and for this I say amen.

I am very happy that I can come to you knowing that you already know me and all my thoughts and intentions so continue to examine me and remove in me everything that is not of you. I know that is a big task for you have been working on my character for as long as I can remember. Was I that messed up? I can’t wait for others to see you in me and draw themselves to you. I know that will require me to be always listening to and obeying you so continue to be my strength for I know that you would not ask me to do anything that you did not prepare for.

Thank you for always being there, God. I don’t know much but I know that you love me very much!
Thank you, Nympha, for letting me in. I love you too much to let you go astray from me and that is why I cry when I see you so disconcerted. If only you knew that I hurt when you hurt you would trust that I am with you.