100 percent correct!

All the while my mind thought it was darting away from God’s flashlight it was actually hiding from its own brightness.

Wow! I never really lost my charm, or potency of my innate ability and that is more than hope from the wishing well or sighs of relief from making through survival sanctum. That is life itself breathing ad infinitum in every fibre of cell that makes up my being.

Who’s that in the mirror?

Who is this powerful creature that I see within when I look at the image it reflects on the outside?
It’s me! The real person that God created me to be! My self is reaching out to me- the authenticity that not just resembles the person I yearn to be… it is me.

Many, many years ago I allowed myself to be tamed by the world’s standards and expectations as outlined by family, church, society and of course the lawmakers. I complied myself into conformity. I traded my life of glory, power, love and wisdom for a mind of insanity, a restless life, and a person who was always in conflict within.

For longer than I would like to even admit, I lived a life, not as I wanted to, but instead gave up my power to think for myself and choose for myself. My value was reduced to what others embroidered and laced with their beliefs that were systematically constructed to extinguish who I really am. I stopped living. About ten years ago I decided that I had enough of this way of living. It was not comfortable, it was not purposeful, it was not productive and certainly it was not mine.

I began having crossfire in my soul. The war between what I ought to do and what I wanted to do waged a great battle that ended taking me where I never wanted to be or go. Back then I thought that this was the worst disgrace. I took out the veil of illusions and soon enough I recognized that was what needed to awaken the giant in me or rathr keep it awake and alive. I no longer refer to my episodes as nervous breakdown. I choose to call them bondage breaker and breakthrough moments because it was at those very instants that the prison doors flung open.

The best thing I have accomplished in my life so far is releasing my self of the entrapment of conformity and compliance. It took a lot of boldness, determination, love, and childlikeness to conquer my biggest fears. Conversely, it took all my biggest fears to make me lovingly embrace fear and strip it off its shadow. It was only after doing that I saw that beneath its forcefulness is gentleness of intention.

It takes a lot of courage to persevere. I accept that some days I am a gentle lamb and other days I am a roaring lion.

I remain determine to keep the giant alive and awake.

prayer and confession

Just when I had all the carefully chosen words for my prayer and request as good as it gets, I found myself rambunctiously arguing with God, asking Him all those forbidden questions and reminding Him of all the good things He promised that He didn’t follow through with yet. After all the time I spent formulating what to say, so much effort choosing the right word, the best time to pause, the impeccable tone and articulation as I rehearsed my visit with God and how well it would go and how impressed He would be with me for being such a polite, young lady with top of the line etiquette, this is what comes out of my mouth?

In what felt like a minute I had given Him an earful of complaints. I questioned His faithfulness to provide for all my cares when I give them to Him; what’s with so many lean years; where did I detour so badly that I couldn’t find my way back to Him and why he did not do a better job at looking for me or better yet preventing me from straying so far away from His direction. Oh the groaning got louder and louder and the tears poured as though from a giant gouge in the valley of my hearts and flowed down my cheeks.

Where’s the please, thank you very much, excuse me and that’s okay, sincerely, sorry and all those do’s and don’t when praying?

Am I even close to being anywhere you intend me to be? Am I even the person you designed when you created me. What’s the deal here, God?

Answer me already my mute friend. I promise to never run away from you again and I am at this point very tempted to tell you off even more and even thinking of running away from your presence forever without abandoning myself.

The amazing thing is that all this time God was weeping. I didn’t care to give Him a chance to explain. I did not even realized that he had borrowed my eyes and tears duct to relieve himself. I just scowled and continued ranting. He never tried to interrupt me either or remind me of all the nice things He knew I was grateful for- having a safe place to stay; food to eat; loved ones who care, the courage to be myself and the gift of another day to express my originalness. I had decided to lift remind him of all those who are facing daily battles with the business of living such as health, homelessness, and financial issues as well as those whose spiritual wells are dry.

In the end I interceded only after I had told Him exactly what was going on in my mind that influenced how I feel about myself. I know better than not to blame Him but since He knows exactly what is going to do with all my tangles, I inquire of Him, and command that He fill me in. I often think that if only He would give me a hint of what to expect and why, I would be satisfy with waitingin patiently and not be anxious. I know all too well that He does not work like that and He has good reason but I somehow feel better after I lay it on the line. It’s not like it was a surprise to Him in any way!

He came closer as though waiting for that moment. I knew that it was my turn to listen and listen attentively. After telling Him exactly how I felt, I would expect Him to just walk away or even worse he would whack me and knock me right out of His sight and then walk away without looking back. He did not! He picked me up, sat me on His lap and whispered, I forgive you, I love you and I knew this was coming. Thank you for being honest and telling me what bothers you. I know you do not understand me or my plan and that frightens you but be not afraid. What you see is not all that is.

I know that you are not convinced that this too will pass but it will and you will be very pleased with what I use you to do for me. Two hours later I was at peace with myself about my life's circumstances. I do not often bring myself to the point to pray like this but when I do, I seek, knock, and ask of God very fervently.

My heart aches as I watch you struggle to not grumble and I reach for you and encourage you to tell me exactly what hurts and what feels good. I created you and I know just how much you can take, so please do not allow yourself to be fooled to going beyond your breaking point. Even Jesus had breaking points and He ran to me for comfort. You are doing that, yet I feel that you sometimes take too long before you pour out your heart to me and those are the times that you hurt even more because you are not too sure what I will do or say to you, and that causes you too much anxiety.

Do not be afraid …reverence for me is all I ask of you. Let that encourage you and remember that I am not in the business of putting you down and I do not play games with what I have placed in your heart- your deepest desires have been placed there by me. Stop thinking of yourself as someone who just can’t get things right! That certainly is not how I reveal yourself to you so continue to reach out to who you are, my child.

Thank you dear God for the one on one time to meet with you just as I am; for listening to me and being so caring and attentive. You model attentive listening so fabulously that I am beginning to interrupt you less and less when it is my turn to listen and for this I say amen.

I am very happy that I can come to you knowing that you already know me and all my thoughts and intentions so continue to examine me and remove in me everything that is not of you. I know that is a big task for you have been working on my character for as long as I can remember. Was I that messed up? I can’t wait for others to see you in me and draw themselves to you. I know that will require me to be always listening to and obeying you so continue to be my strength for I know that you would not ask me to do anything that you did not prepare for.

Thank you for always being there, God. I don’t know much but I know that you love me very much!
Thank you, Nympha, for letting me in. I love you too much to let you go astray from me and that is why I cry when I see you so disconcerted. If only you knew that I hurt when you hurt you would trust that I am with you.

God’s School of Character Building

Open 24/7/265 and every four years one extra day is tacked on.

The training is very intense and the heat from the Refiner's Fire is out of this world and no! It’s not hell!

The curriculum is called life’s hard knocks

The exams are designed to test one’s attitude towards life on this side of heaven

The accolade of grades is called experience

Continuing education is a must

Graduation is best defined as death.

My emotional library

This is the storehouse of volumes of my life experiences- the character building records of my life- that will aid me to meet people where they are at in the moment that they need support.

That is the most consoling part of the process of my life- learning things first hand so that I can share with those who need compassion, empathy, truth and above all someone who has been there.

So many times I have argued with God about how will He ever be able to use me as one of His disciples. You see, I was not ever perfect and by the standards of this world I would never ever make it, not even remotely close, to pleasing God and that made me lash out at God for creating me.

Well talk about bargaining with Him to just give me a chance to prove to Him that He made a mistake when I was born. Was I wrong! I know because I asked him one night about ten years ago to not wake me up if he has nothing good for the life that He gave to me. I went to bed and for the first time I can say I slept very peacefully. That was not all, I woke up invigorated and I took this as the answer to my prayer, or rather the answer that He needed to give to me. Well He was not surprised at my challenging Him to open up to me because by then I had no desire to listen to anyone. I wanted to hear from Him as best as He knew what would make me believe that He is real. Now I know that He is!

I am beginning to understand why I want to be a source of hope and encouragement to the hurting. I still do not have all the answers and I do not expect to have them all either; but, I know what it feels like to be alone, afraid and helpless and that is all because I have been there.

So dear God, thank you for the stories of my life, so far. I know that you are not yet finished with me but in the meantime I can help even one person to see the good in them and to remind them that you care and encourage them to know that you are real.