Many times I used to get so unanchored and devastated that I would just wave my hands in the air in a desperate fate to reach God’s open arms which seem to swing to and fro in the uppermost chamber of the cosmos; and the tears of helplessness would begin to pour.
The next thing would be my wailing and whining and calling for my God, more accusing, cursing and disowning than the alleluia-praising tempo. Still I felt that if the psalmist had the balls and guts to tell God like it is, then I can imitate them!
I was scared shit when praying like some of them did yet at those times I was too desperate for God to care about the consequences of using the deep rooted pattern of my ancient way of asking for what I wanted- God’s undivided attention and rescue.
Unlike human ways of correcting a child in need of discipline and some appropriate punishment, God knows that the child is hurting and vastly ignorant and selfishly biased. Therefore God first attends to the child’s feelings and allow the child to express its discomfort and presenting the needs of the narcissistic self. The child may not always get its way, even with God, however it is comforted to know that its voice is heard…no… it is listened to without judgement or fear of rejection of its feelings, needs and, intelligence.
Sometimes the child just wants to know that it matters… and in my case I just wanted to know that I was God’s child too.
That was not too much to want to inquire from God and so I was ready to shake heaven and rumble earth to get God’s undivided attention. I just wanted to know firsthand and to prove that God really cares about me.
The next thing would be my wailing and whining and calling for my God, more accusing, cursing and disowning than the alleluia-praising tempo. Still I felt that if the psalmist had the balls and guts to tell God like it is, then I can imitate them!
I was scared shit when praying like some of them did yet at those times I was too desperate for God to care about the consequences of using the deep rooted pattern of my ancient way of asking for what I wanted- God’s undivided attention and rescue.
Unlike human ways of correcting a child in need of discipline and some appropriate punishment, God knows that the child is hurting and vastly ignorant and selfishly biased. Therefore God first attends to the child’s feelings and allow the child to express its discomfort and presenting the needs of the narcissistic self. The child may not always get its way, even with God, however it is comforted to know that its voice is heard…no… it is listened to without judgement or fear of rejection of its feelings, needs and, intelligence.
Sometimes the child just wants to know that it matters… and in my case I just wanted to know that I was God’s child too.
That was not too much to want to inquire from God and so I was ready to shake heaven and rumble earth to get God’s undivided attention. I just wanted to know firsthand and to prove that God really cares about me.
Well the punishment was suave by the Father’s love and approval of me and I was once again satisfied that I have a big God who cares a heck a lot about me.
Granted these episodes with God did not just happen once… they happened over and over and over each time I felt like the psalmist in Psalm 30: “ I felt secure and said to myself” I will never be defeated. You were good to me God; you protected me like a mountain fortress. But then you hid yourself from me, and I was afraid. I called to you, Lord; I begged for your help.”
Granted these episodes with God did not just happen once… they happened over and over and over each time I felt like the psalmist in Psalm 30: “ I felt secure and said to myself” I will never be defeated. You were good to me God; you protected me like a mountain fortress. But then you hid yourself from me, and I was afraid. I called to you, Lord; I begged for your help.”
And as soon as I felt this chill in my soul; I know that my pleas made it safely to God’s inbox and like psalm 30 ended “ So I will not be silent; I will sing praise to you. Lord you are my God; I will give you thanks forever.”
Now when I feel as though God takes a break from constant reassurance mode, I just entertain myself, contentedly knowing that I am always loved and in God's care and presence, though matter what!.
Now when I feel as though God takes a break from constant reassurance mode, I just entertain myself, contentedly knowing that I am always loved and in God's care and presence, though matter what!.
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