A fresh wave of holy fear

Shuddering in the wave of facing people and situations that appear to be bigger than me used to be, for a very long time, first reaction.

I used to feel so crippled at the thought of daring myself to take a good look at the source of fear to see if it were even real. So many shadows have scared me to near death and that caused me to hide my courage and the size of the fight in me.

In the last few years that had begun to change.

At first when I used to talk about my distress and discuss ways to resolve what was causing it, I came across very wild and primitive. What was supposed to be an amicable dialogue turned out into what seemed to be a ferocious attack. Where did that come from? I was so scared of myself that I had vowed to never again express myself or to address issues or engage in any disputes or stand up for something that I strongly believed.

I spent many years praying to never have any confrontation or be in any predicament where I have to speak up. It was as though God did not understand what I was saying. The opportunities to do just what I was praying not to ever have to do just kept aiming at me like darts. The result... I almost ran into hiding from myself. That ultimately led to unattended needs, missed lessons, stunted personal growth and a build up of toxic emotions.

Until one day a holy fear awakened in me- the condition was diagnosed as bipolar/manic depression and shizophrenia. I have come to the point of accepting that there was inner conflict that waged a war from within and caused it to spill without. I rebuffed what medical experts tried to make me believe. Eventually I refused their diagnosis and treatment after spending much time with God analyzing what was really going on inside me. I did so until I finally understood his definition of mental illness- God’s diagnosis of lack of self-love, self-acceptance, self-respect,self esteem and self-determination.

Today, in spite of the nervousness of being misunderstood, I state what I feel, need and want. Am I glad that I never gave up after the first attempt of expressing myself!

Another gift redeveloped from all that. Decades ago I was at a point in my life when I had stopped talking. Thanks to pen and paper I began writing what I was afraid to say as well as what I was feeling. Now I have a collection of poems that unfolded from those moments of solitude.

Today, I know that the only fear that is exceptional and normal is the fear of God and that kind of fear does not mean to be afraid of. God expects us to experience a holy fear. He expects us to reverence him, not be afraid of him. That wave of holy fear has brought about a whole new dynamism in my authenticity with God and myself.
And that is all that matters!