Another refresher cours from Mother Nature

The cloud hid the sun. The sun’s glow succumbs to the dark, only for a while.

Fearing a problem
Can cause panic
Or
Launch courage and strength
To conquer the challenge

This is something I have written to remind me in addition to witnessing the sun attitude and imitate its composure. Multi times when a personal cloud hovers over my optimism I freak out. Something I can tell that the sun never seem to do... nothing stops the sun from championing on merrily behind the clouds. I always tell my self that remembering the sun’s attitude will help me find peace when I am confused but sometimes when something seems to be in my way, I forget; I even forget that the sun is still shining, until Mother Nature reminds me that I must let nothing get in my way of happiness. Each day I renew my intention to imitate the sun and even the moon just to continue to shine, confident that it will outlast darkness.

There are days when I need to remind myself of the sea, another of Mother Nature mode of instruction.

Creating a healthier method of addressing and resolving my discomfort was imperative since the former ways of coping were no longer effective. So God continues to arrange, rearrange and even disarrange circumstances in order for me to enjoy moments when even butterflies pause to serenade me.

I always find myself willing to do things in Mother Nature’s style. That’s how I find harmony when I am confused and confidence when I feel let down.

What tomorrow brings I may not know for sure until tomorrow becomes now. Mother Nature confidently ushers on I continue to do my best to be me.

This is what I call lessons in seeing beyond what tries to bother me- irritate me- if you will.

Now that’s progress on my destined path, which is much better than I can ever imagine or have planned for myself without cooperating with the whole universe.

Cheers! Three cheers!

And to the bird that serenaded me with its beautiful lullaby until I drifted off to sleep again, I say thank you, thank you very much. It was as though you knew that I would have awaken from my slumber in the middle of the night, restless, like a baby longing for some comfort! I knew you were way down some where on a tree yet your lungs pumped up to such decibel I felt like you were right beside me. I knew you were singing just for me. Thank you for helping my soul find rest!

Learning to slow down and savour the journey

Theories from the social junkyard futilely attempt to obscure my angelic surveillance of life as it is! What it is against is not my physiological ability but my will to spiritual surrender. As long as I allow my soul to remain courageous, this fight is a winning battle in favour of God, my fortress.

Living life in the fast lane is nothing more than a means to make pursuing harmony seem like a hopeless adventure to attain on this side of heaven or some postponed gratification that will be achieved only after the breath lives the body… and even that is tainted with a maybe. It seems that more and more, people are encouraged to die this kind of death instead of longing to look forward to enjoying a propitious life of bliss, peace and serenity before the wind leaves our sails.

Apathy is slowly becoming the deadliest disease to inflict mankind in the race to keep in stride with the social timeline set by the subjective mind. Seeing the damaging side effect of adopting and condoning this lifestyle is enough to make me get out of the supersonic lane built by the hurry up kingdom!

I will let Mother Nature teach me how to stay grounded on the road less travelled therefore I choose to spend time unfolding until all that is left to share is my shimmering self and enjoy my purpose for being here. And so I decide to stop racing against time and remind myself that life is on my side and untouched by the effects of time’s schedule

Resisting the spirit of control

Manipulation of one’s ability to think for themselves and coercing them to feel and believe that they are incompetent to do anything perfectly right or know what’s best for them is a mortal sin and makes a mockery of God’s creatures and of God too!

Slavery, oppression, political and corporate crimes are not what should be used to build any economy. If anything, this social injustice shred people’s dignity and respect for life, for God, for humanity and to the Universe. The ones who commit such heinousness may not believe or realize that they torture their souls too and heap hot coals on their heads as well as the ones who assist in perpetrating unsocial welfare.

There are lots of barricades to distract the brave warriors. Barriers to stop the warriors- that is all they are. It makes democracy a sham and disgrace and makes a fumbling fool of those who think that they are mightier than God and mankind.

School does not teach one for life’s brutal hard knockers. Human laws don’t supersede God’s and religion in no gateway to make it to heaven. They institutionalize, domesticate and condemn humanity. Contrary to what it seems like, this is the main reason and prime objective. They drill illusions into brilliant minds so as to tamper with divine intelligence and ability to function in the world as citizens of the Universe.

Brainwashing can be disastrous, when people stop thinking for themselves and instead, rely solely on what they are taught and coerce to believe. Profit making at the expense of one’s soul and sanity is preposterous. I am learning and practising to use these barriers as stepping-stones of self responsibility. Then and only then can I see God’s way where there seem to be no way. That requires a lot of creative imagination, courage, resilience and a lot of patience and perseverance. Busy, distracted lives do not have the time to think, rest, let alone imagine or able enough to see things with fresh eyes.

I recall what the prophets Isaiah, Habakkuk, and Zephaniah as well as some of the Psalms of David summoned; I unfold my own ideas of what life on this side of heaven requires of me to make it through- persecuted, oppressed, struck down, crushed; yet, strong, resilient, original and a peaceful warrior. I continue to press on living each day with integrity. Living from the heart is not easy; it is possible. I think that is what Jesus’ life exemplifies and so I let his attitude order my steps and lead my feet to stand on higher ground! That’s the spirit!

Moments in hindsight

I had been feeling like an oyster working away at overcoming its irritation- a tiny speck of dust.

In my case it seemed like a lifetime before I felt like anything good can and would come out of life’s adversities… yet like the oyster I decided to do something to make the best of circumstances.

Then came the big moment when hindsight’s cheers sounded off. Arousal of holy inspiration and triumphant breakthrough of soulfulness woke me up from my stupor. I held on to this euphoric awe almost like delaying the gratification of intimacy! Poof! It vanished ... and then, and then came another awe flashing hoorah across my heart. It was even more breathtaking than the last and many more came spilling out with each dot I connected and each dot that connected itself.

Like lightening cracking the clouds to show off it splendour soul surged in its delight. Let me tell you, this is no bling bling. This is the real thing and for moments like this I want to live forever!

Dear God thank you for helping me to make peace with uncertainty!

Sacred Romance

Thank you God for creating the most powerful longing and for awakening or reawakening my spark for intimacy. It has been a very long time since you whispered my dream to me. I kept ignoring this area of my life thinking that it did not matter!

My heart and soul disagreed with me; they knew all too well that was my way of avoiding the truth. I remained timid in that area of my life because I was too afraid that Love would desert me. I was afraid that I was not lovable enough to be loved, or give and receive love as ought to.

Then and again I was not too sure what I was looking for except that I live to celebrate the outcome of abandoning my desire and taking on the futile mission to find God and fell right back in the arms of my burning desires. WOW! It was then that I understood what my authentic self was desiring…to fully feel and be alive and to honour my sexuality as equally essential to me as my spirituality. That’s it!

That is what I long for- a life that is fully healthy and of course, that includes sacred romance.

Stepping-stones to divinity

Oh God!

You have no clue how ecstatic I am that you can still use all my detours along my way back to you. Sometimes I often wander what was I thinking; then I have to confess; that some days I was not doing your kind of thinking…or rather I misinterpreted the meaning of your calibre of thinking, mainly because there was so much static after I traded my inner voice for the world’s noises, many decades ago. All in all I did my best and you know that I cannot could have, or should have, done any better or else I would have.

Thanks for the courage to think for myself; and, serenity to accept the consequences of my doing or not doing. Better late than never! The longer way still led me back to where you were awaiting me, and, that is all that matters to you! The fact that you can continue writing the script of my life in accordance with your purpose is making me go yes! Yes! Yes! Yes Lord!

Letting my mind express itself with the helpful use of words, and keeping in mind what God told Jeremiah…” I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not destroy you,” I allow my ideas to flow through my fingers as I continue to unfold my thoughts and translate them into stepping stones that God can use for good.

God has the last word and it is very gooood! Unmistakingly, that is what he said after he created Eve!

So here I grow again!

Activities for God is good; however, my greatest act of devotion and worship is to actively remain in communion with God; let him always be my knight in shining armour and continue to allow him to remake me in his Refiner’s Fire so that he can proceed the good work that he has begun in me-turning my scars into stars.

Thank you God of Haphakh.

Loving me

Gone are the days when I used to believe that I would never measure up to God's standard unless I toiled and toiled and toiled. So I toiled and toiled and toiled. Still God seem like he had a merit system that was designed to keep me out of heaven's sight. Needless to say, I did not take that lightly!

Since I began to know God from my own perspective, I have been unlearning this nonsense description of the Creator. Like everybody else, I am a child of God… full-fledged and nothing I do can change that.

Well I if for no other reason than this, I have every right to joy and happiness and so I celebrate who I am by loving myself as who I am. Knowing that God’s love for me cannot grow cold makes loving myself even more and more blissful.

Granted there are some times I forget to remember who I really am and who I will always be. The good thing is, I am much better than I was yesterday and a lot of those previous yesterdays.

I thank you God, for my zeal to know you better; to trust you more earnestly and to let you love me forever. That really helped me in reaching out and accepting you and your love; especially since I know for sure that I can truly be myself with you on any given day- no ifs, ands, or buts. Nothing is impossible, I’ll say!

Thank you for making it possible to love myself dearly. Loving myself is the most wonderful thing I have done for myself. Thank God that it was not too late to start dating myself. Slowly yet steadily I removed all the blocks that I once had built between Love and myself; between God and myself.

Auctioning my life to the lowest bidder is a risk not worth taking again because now I believe my true worth when I look at myself through God’s eyes! Awesome…Priceless!

Solomon says that, “it is dangerous to be concerned with what people think of me.” I think it is even more dangerous to let someone else define God to me, or is it for me, and to dictate to me what God’s plan for my life is. Phew!

And so I continue to do my best to stay tuned and connected to God and with God!

Growing pains

Just when I thought I was almost out of the Refiner’s Fire I realized that God is no where close to finishing his restoration work on me yet…in fact he just reminded me that this is a lifelong process... oh my!

I wonder how long it took him to recreate Adam and Eve after their ‘fall’! I suspect that this was as long as they lived too or maybe they were not as badly bruised as I was made to believe!

Growing spiritually, and even emotionally is very painful and challenging and sometimes very frightening, very, very scary.

It seems like I needed a life transplant! Yawch!

When I started the journey back to divinity, I figured I’d need a little tweak here and a tug there and some tune up every now and then to renew my heart and refresh my soul and restore a few tissues, cells and blood vessels; but no, it turned out that God decided to start from scratch and I was in for a time of my life. I wonder what Holy Essence is up to!

There are days when it feels like perseverance is running out and I feel crumbled, some days even a bit scrambled and tormented. The temptation to run from the Potter’s hand is drastically high; still I continue to allow God to fully restore me because I know that when God is finished with me I will be radiant from the inside out; therefore, I willingly and earnestly endure the makeover and all its ouches, oooo's and aaahs'.

I am in for the long haul and I know that Holy Spirit is here to stay because I need a ride on its wings when Jesus' arms and shoulders need a timeout from carrying me!

Laughter

All the wonderful things that laughter does! I can just imagine where I’d be without it. I mean I laugh at every thing; even the things and that once pissed me off. I know why you made me the magnetic person I am with such an amazing and infectious laugh.

Thank you for the gift of my laugh and sense of humour. Without it I would have had many clogged arteries and shredded nerves by now or worse yet my lungs would have collapse when I spent so much time hyperventilating, it’s a wonder I had enough air to enjoy a big belly laugh.

The funny thing is some people did not get it! They used to call me silly-no-brainer and all this while you were using this to keep me alive. Now I here there is such a thing as laughter therapist. Can you imagine with all the funny things that are there to laugh that there are people who suffer form the ‘don’t know how to laugh’ disease. I guess they really have a hard time lightening up!

Thank you for this tremendous way you take care of my nerves. Now I really understand why I am so resilient. Thank you laughter, for saving my life!

The priceless benefits of laughter:
Strengthens my immune system
Reduces my levels of stress hormones in the blood
Stimulates my brain
Ventilates my lungs
Regulates my heart rate, blood pressure, respiration and circulation
Jogs my thousands of blood vessels and give them a good workout
Cleans my tear ducts
Relaxes my nerves
Makes me sleep all night long
Saves my day
Makes me happy to be alive
And much, much more

Words…

Like a technician, words have the ability to twist, push, release, make things sound and look right …most of the time

Like a chef, words whip up a story and serve it to hungry minds or those curious taste buds craving to try something new.

Like a traffic cop, words direct the traffic of thoughts, ideas and flow of imagination. They keep order where there would otherwise be chaos… as much as possible; while keeping the passer-by and stray thoughts on the alert.

Like a one who sews, words stitch up ideas and intricate details and helps design a beautiful tapestry or slightly irregulars, similar to Oops! I did not mean to say that!

Now a days, when I bump into words, I treat them as though they were novel, I loosen them up, twist them, sometimes I re-colour a few too so as to create a bit of strangeness; then sit back and watch them with new interest.

Death- ending, beginning or endings and beginnings!

Death defines the continuum called life. Time and space affects the way I choose to recognize, interpret and experience the sting of death… or is it, a sting called death.

Death- it is the thread and needle that intricately stitches the vital data to design the outcome of our desires and experiences. Like mistakes, let me stay connected with the moment’s lessons and helps me figure out what living means. It summons relief, sadness, grief, euphoria, questions, answers, numbness, disappointment, joy, projection, retrospection, introspection, could haves, should haves, ad infinitum… that’s death… and that’s certainty, uncertainty of goodbyes, hellos, hugs, life, endings, beginning, endings and beginnings and these are part of everyday life. So what exactly is death and do I really die? How many times have I died and rose again while I am still alive or still have breath? Maybe I am already dead and waiting patiently for the big rapture of ascension. May be I am doing so right now as I continue to bring my subconscious self into full realm so I can know myself as I ought to have and ought to know.

Maybe that is what Jesus actually experienced…. Maybe Jesus never had to carry any heavy burdens and certainly if he had, he had helpers to help ease the load. Even then he exacerbated when the going got rough to the point that he pleaded to God to find another way. Then so can I! Like Ecclesiastes and Job and Jesus, I can ask him to leave me alone so I can enjoy life for even a little while!

Theology, death, life, lessons…they are everywhere and very experiential, very real and very personal!

Oh well that is my own interpretation of this journey called theology…death…life- full circle!

A transpersonal excursion

God’s invites me to recognize each little event as reassurance that the whole universe is ddesigned to assist me to care fr my soul, mind and body by creating perfect conditionsas and right circumstances in my life- whether I like them or not. He is giving me what he knows I need at the right time. Sometimes I dismiss the importance of the situation, which is presented to me, and I treat them like rubbish. Instead of catching them like falling stars and save it for hindsight day, I toss them away and bury my head in my hands. It is really something else!

Standing and often times kneeling with hands extended way up in the ceiling waiting for the piece of pie to fall in my arms and when it does I glance it and put it aside simply because it does not look like what I anticipated to catch...until I recall all the other times I almost buried treasures. I look again, more intensely and voila that was just the right ingredients or parts. All I needed to do is blend them, or assemble them and sometime break them down. I am getting better at seeing the good in situations although there are times when I haggle with God to keep things less complicated. It is like praying for task equal to my strength.

I suppose He is honing me to know my strength or rather my source of strength, which is himself at work through me and in me. I am beginning to notice that each time the task comes it brings out my latent self up close and personal and I feel more creative and alive. The thing is when that happens I spend so much time feeling mesmerized by my strength in those times when things seem to be crumbling into shambles, it is actually my breakthrough to a higher plane of consciousness. It then becomes clear to me that I am in the presence of Awesomeness. The thought of being so close with God and to God leaves me dumbfounded. Oh the cycle of observing the observer, observe the observer! It grabs my attention and then leaves me hanging in what feels like being suspended between now and eternity.

No sooner do I begin to enjoy the deliciousness of the excursion I return to life, in a bubble. O evay… seize the day or in that case… seize the moment, fleeting as it may…without that sought of roller coaster I would not leave the comfort seat on the bandwagon and enjoy pure childlikeness zest for adventure on my transpersonal journey. The more I let my mind wander off in deep state of thinking and thinking about thinking the less petrified I am of revelation day. The day I described as unboundedness from imprisoned thoughts of doom.

Mistakes- the main ingredient of experience

Mistakes put the details in place. They are like the bauxite that when processed produces a mixture of metal. Many great inventions are the result of brutal mistakes; yet, many times I was expected to believe and accept that mistakes are a no-no. I have struggled to understand how and why making a mistake makes me a reject, a failure, one who would never get anything right or amount to anything, anything good.

Why on earth did I listen to these gossipers? The word gossipers by the way, in the original sense of the word meant caregivers who were the one entrusted with one’s life when people are too young to care for their welfare. The most important role anyone can play in another’s life and this is what they did with precious souls. Is it any wonder this word now holds no pristine?

Even knowing that mistakes are the wellsprings of invention, imagination and creativity, I still get frazzled from the dread of making a faux pas. Maybe one day I will invent something that makes God become visible and real. Maybe I will defy science, politics and religion. Wouldn’t that be a marvellous invention? Without mistakes there would be no wows, ah-has, yauwch, yikes, mmmmm, ooh…. la…lah, oh no, yes, yes, yes! Mistake- a pause in time, when one feels original… one feels awesome. Mistakes…. ready or not, here I come!

So Dear God I pray, make me not afraid of making mistakes that are necessary for me to make sense of what I am supposed to do to make all my dreams come true. In the meantime help me to continue spreading my wings full span and let me stay connected with the moment’s lessons.

It turns out that my dumbest mistakes produced the best part of me!

Reunited with God... again!

Thank you God for the strength and courage to hold on to the edge of Jesus cloak instead of falling for the temptation of listening to the lords of the earth and their empty promises although frankly there are times when I have been tempted to think of you and compare you as one of them. Thank you for the one string-courage- that makes me feel worthy of approaching you and allowing you to bathe me in your waters of mercy and grace. So here I am!

Thank you for granting me the ability to decide whats best for me and to take responsibility to follow through with actions that will manifest my vision to be the person I know that you created me to be. To continue to endure my lot and still enjoy peaces of mind that makes the darkest day seem like the brightest night, I need your constant presence and comfort to keep me safe and protected and your promise to guide me beside still waters and reassurance that this is so. Many times I blasted you for leaving me alone in the desert, then in hindsight I have to confess my sin of ‘oh ye of little faith’ when I recount all my inventory of your inklings along the way.

Thank you that even if only in hindsight you make sense; and, your wisdom and essence never fail me in seeing how the dots connect. I feel my life coming back to me; and, as the fragments of my soul glued back together. I am happy that hindsight is the road that leads to salvation- a way out; like being on top of the mountain peak and seeing the vast scope of possibilities- intriguing…mesmerizing. For a moment, even for a moment, all things seem in order and the world and all its mayhem makes sense.

I suppose that should help me to accept the fray with more confidence; however, this is not always the case. So I thank you for never dreading me when I feel insecure about your purpose or not understand how you plan on bringing all things together for good. As I have told you on numerous times, I do not always like your style or some of your ideas about adversities yet I keep my promise to never run away from you indefinitely. I used to kid myself and think I would never leave your side but lately that is all I was tempted to do and therefore I have to confess that sometimes I need a break from you so that I can make sense of my nonsense and even then, you refuse to leave me alone.

God, You are still with me even though I do not want you near me. Nothing I do or say scares you and that’s a tangible evidence of your unconditional love! I couldn't believe it when God wrapped himself around me and said, welcome, welcome home, welcome back home my beloved!Frankly, sometimes I still have to pinch myself that you love me so! This too makes me want a little time to get used to such love! I know you understand why!

Thanks!

Going deeper into my Well

All the time I prayed that God not make me bitter towards people who treat me unkindly, I was actually wanting to pray that God not finish me off for not quite being as smitten with him as I ought to be so it was easier back then to hide my feeling of doubt about God and not admitting how bitter I was with God. I give in to his demands out of fear that if I did not, I would die and go to hell. Years ago, I figured that maybe if I pretended to love God, a God I did not even know or believe in, a God who loved me one minute and the next minute could not be interested in my wellbeing, that would save me when he was separating the wheat from the weed.

Then one day I knew that this game was not fair because knowing my heart he already knew that deep down I would do anything for a glimpse of his glory. Even though I pretended I did not care for God he knew that it was my fear of his wrath that was speaking. Then one day, night or whatever it was, I could no longer contain my resentment for God and how unaccepting I had been about my lot in life so far. I began shedding my fear and of God’s wrath and began coming face to face with who I am beneath the dust. With God it is all or nothing so I had to go into my Well and unpack my truth. At first the joy of knowing God was exciting and then it was time to go where I felt most uncomfortable to go.

Phew!

It turned out that the whole time God knew that my heart was in the right place though matter how upset I was with him. I am standing here in my wilderness about to step into my oasis of wellness and I can finally welcome freedom… the peace that passes all understanding as yesterday’s tears heal tomorrow’s pain. What a relief! How else could I have arrived at the place that I thought was unfathomable and unattainable?

The importance of refuelling, recharging and renewing

Gliding during the storm requires a lot more energy, persevering and staying power to make it through the miasma that distorts my mental screen and blurs my focus. I would love to say that I have a Jesus attitude when the ‘gale’ strikes... ya right! Who sleeps in the Stern of a boat when waves are jumping in the boat and fishermen … men of faith who, a few verses before, agreed to let the dead bury their dead and follow him soon after, when the heat of discipleship came on, wandered what on earth were they thinking to agree to pack up shop to hang out with Jesus. I often feel like that when I am tired, unattending my own life’s needs and when I forget that imitating Jesus’ lifestyle and living it fully requires strength that humanly I am no where close to bragging that I have even after spending so much time doing all the things that was suppose to win me God’s favour. Then I get to the point where I feel that I am no good to myself or anyone else and then of course God reminds me of the importance of rest, proper life management and the intricate connection between that and healing; self care and improving the quality of life, of living- which I had many times turned deaf ears to.

Transforming my thoughts, emptying my mind and eradicating my life of erroneous beliefs and taking on the role of proper self care are an ongoing task that warrants a lot of time, effort, energy and patience. There is no quick fix that is as guaranteed as tenderness and respect for one’s needs for refuelling, recharging and renewing the soul’s dwelling place and from my experience I know that the soul doesn’t like any old raggedy, haphazard treatment. Short cuts and speedy deliveries just don't cut it!

Going forward I intend to listen closely and follow through with my body when it speaks to me, softly and kindly and not wait until it starts bellowing at me to back off, or else!

Total self management of PMESS is vital for when even one of these parts deteriorates, disintegrates or fall off sync the whole system breaks down. Refuelling, recharging and renewing.

This is serious business and cannot be ignored, rushed, neglected or abandoned!

Hope- in the meantime…

When patience and trying seem to be not enough; and confidence, trust and faith seem so far fetched and too good to be true I hold on to this- sometime contradiction in terms, word- hope. It is not a lot to always save me from thoughts of despair and moments when I feel engulfed by despondency and yes! Hopelessness.

Self-managed therapy is a great responsibility to one’s self in order to attain and maintain wholesomeness. So even hope can bring a bit of relief to the ones who dread that all their dreams have gone bye..bye. A faint cry that there is still lingers on... this little something that says hold on… don’t give up, don't give in and don’t quit. When hope is all there is, dream big enough until the God of all impossibility says here I am, I have one more move and it is good.

So when all fails ... Hope!

Joy, Happiness, and Everlasting Life

For longer than I would care to want to imagine, I have been angry at God for giving a life that did not seem to worth as much as one of his sparrows and this used to feel me with great contempt for this God. The more I thought of bargaining with Him the more hostile I became and the more I resented this very God that I am chasing today as I continue to rekindle our spark.

In retrospect I am convinced that I had to come to the point where I could no longer pretend that I honestly care and love this God… this cruel pigment of my imagination and so I did what many thought would and taught as something that would definitely make God finish me off…talking back to him, questioning him and heck dragging him into the boxing ring one on one. Phew! At first I was very petrified at the idea of coming out of the closet with God and telling him point blank I don’t like the way you do things and I don’t like you… do something or the relationship is null and void… you can right me off if you want because you, heaven and your kingdom of many mansions do not exist.

I still cannot fathom a God who would wait till I die only to find I left back on earth. This is enough to make me snatch my life and just do with it what I want and wait my turn to be barbecued and frizzled in hell. Oh evay…. All I can say is when this is all I began to see flashing on my mental screen, I had to try Jacob’s strategy. God bless my eyesight the day I really began perusing this illuminating book that often time leaves me baffled and euphoric at the same time… kind of schizophrenic if you ask me and yet that is just what rescued my soul, more like an upsurge of the soul.

And so it is

Nag… nag… nagging in heaven’s ears

Like the importunate widow mentioned in the bible, I keep nagging until the all loving and graceful God have some more compassion on me even it is just so I trouble him not and allow it to take care of the adversity which just like the judge who was nonGodfearing and non regarding of human, is hell bent on wanting to plague me by wanting to get even so as to appease its smugness. I will continue to pray and ask God’s Spirit to take over all my thoughts that make me bold while I wait on God to come through for me.

Like Peter, walking on water while watching the waves is terrifying me even though like Jesus was in the boat with Peter, God is the on the frontline of my struggles or else I would have perished. It’s just that some times it is hard to believe that God will make a way even where there seem to be no way or that God is working in spite of the fact that sometimes I feel contrary about this fact. Like it or not, I feel much better after telling God what he already knows about what’s going on in the secret places of my heart. As always God knows!

The thing is, God loves to keep some things hidden and I cannot handle his way of wanting to do things as he knows best; and keeping that omnipotent part of him a big secret; as if like some secret ingredient in the chef’s recipe. I can buy all the ingredients on the chef’s menu and go home to prepare that same whatever it is and it just doesn’t taste the same. I guess like the chef, he hopes to keep me coming back for more. I suppose that is what he means be dependent on the expert… and only God knows everything about my past, present and future and how to make it all turn out bravura! That's worth praying for, without ceasing; and so, I continue to nag… nag… nagging in heaven’s ears!

Pressing on…

I don’t know exactly which foot to put forward. All I know is I am heading into the direction that is tapping on my soul so as to alleviate its restlessness. The comfort zone just doesn’t cut it anymore yet this very thing that no longer eject me out of bed and rev me up roaring to go makes me want to hold open doors that appear closed or closing. I suppose that is what familiarity does… for me it is the discomfort of letting go, saying goodbye, if you will, not knowing if this is exactly the right time to act or not act.

Maybe I know what I need to do and I am timid and a bit perplexed about the outcome so I freeze, then I hit the panic button, I scream then I freeze again, sometimes too long or maybe not enough. How do I know? How do I know if this means that I am leaving behind something that may in fact be just what I need, like my deep longing and heartfelt desires? Either way, there is a bit of uncertainty, anxiety or even some disgust. I believe that is where I must trust that I will inevitable arrive where I must be and that God will bring me forth as Gold and all my dreams fulfilled. Until then, my mind remains restless however I will hold on for the glorious day even if that means having a few more arguments with God.

I can definitely admit that this is also a symptom of too much erosion of my childlikeness, adventurous self and evidence that there is still some residual damage. Though I dare take risks- I sometimes do so qualmly and often times those two do not go very well together. Maybe all this time that is what you were telling me. He is saying trust me… just trust me! Hey buddy, remember that I am still in training and sometimes I just lost it with you when your signals seem to be very static and tapping on too many memories of distrust. Maybe that is what happens when I spent too much of my energy hanging out in the comfort zone of my mental house. I suppose that is what happens when God opens a door of reassurance.

I do not even know yet where this door is and what is awaiting me there; however, the comfort of knowing God tested me to challenge God or was that a great temptation to do something that is defiant of a child of God, is something that seem well with Essence.

I am still alive, well and whole and still connected with God, very connected with God. I suppose that is a classic case of ‘WYSIWYG’ with God or is it between God and I. Maybe that’s what Jacob attested to when he said that he fought with God and won… go figure!

Looking ahead while strolling in the now is all I can do so I continue to press on until I arrive a the level of knowing what is necessary, if any thing is necessary at all to keep me in tune with Gods’ guidance. I trust that my inklings will take me where he leads me and my built-in alarm system can one day resume full proof service.

Just checking

Am I on your list or not, dear God? Do you plan on making a way where there seem to be no way? Do I even matter to you or is it true that I have to spend my life earning brownie points to win your favour, too? I don’t know and I am both afraid and frustrated, not to mention damned confused! So please do something to reassure me of your promise to increase my optimism that my life is not useless. I am at a point where hope, trust and obedience in your word that you will grant me my heart’s desires feel like walking in quicksand.

Holy spirit, work with Jesus and intercede to God for me please and ask God why are things looking so bleak. How much longer do I have to spend in this Intensive Care of God and still continue to waver between such bouts deep agnostism and faith? I must have been in real bad shape eh or is it a case of being so oppressed and mired with adversity and negative images of God that keeps me blind from his love and care. I promised to hold on until I see that dark cloud turn to bright light however I am at the end of my patience of believing in things that I cannot see.

Dear God I ask you so many times to help me see past the conglomerate of bloated nothingness, I know that speaking the truth is your guarantee that I will enjoy peace of mind, peace that passes all understanding. I feel like I am begging you instead praying without ceasing. What is that praying without easing mean … that I can pray until doomsday and not hear from you! Is that it? Because I‘d rather not pray at all and just buckle down until death do us part and when I die do not send any angel to carry me to Abraham’s bosom.

Well one thing is favourable in our relationship. I express my thoughts ad feeling about you and my life and freely. I suppose that is one less hurdle to spending face to face without fear of being struck down by your disgust of me speaking my mind to you. Oh well, I guess this is worth credit in the improvement of the quality of our relationship and communication. Maybe I am bonding very tightly to you God and that is frightening and maybe too overwhelming. Are you afraid of becoming too transparent and I may leave you or not be so dependent on you and hat scare the living daylight out of you. That’s something you and I have in common, I guess.

I know that you are not in this advanced payment deals you deliver just when I need it most so doesn’t reassurance mean something to give me reason to believe. Than and again that would make faith obsolete, wouldn’t it? Well please Dear God answer me... say something already. You see this is what I do not like about your style. You don’t talk, and frankly sometime my mind is too tired to figure out what you are telling me. Don’t get me wrong I love thinking for myself, but sometime the child in me expects you to take care of me even when I want an extra long timeout and have my way. I suppose it really is not too late to enjoy a little Narcissism- the part of me that I felt the need to abandon, or rather, suppress even though it felt like gross neglect of being my wonder self, a perfectly normal stage of child development. I wonder if this is why, to this day, I feel that something is wrong with me, now that I pin the feeling to a period of time and space the more aacurate way I can describe this feeling of is that it feels like some crucial part of my being is mising from my consciousness. Is that why I still struggle to regain that little part of me that just seem to fleet away each time I feel convinced that I regained it! Is that why I have been spending so much time rummaging the past and wallowing in the muck of my subconscious. That may very well be what I am looking for...the part of me that I almost forgot about and it is well worth the sleepless days and restless nights.

Would that be the reason why some days I just cannot handle you and I feel that some days you have no clue what to do with me. I keep you on your toes, and you, you just keep me wanting you even when I have no clue why. I suppose that is what made the Israelites hang out in the desert wishing you had left them in Egypt even while all the time they were in that same Egypt they were praying for you to free them from Egypt. Oh Evay...What can I say!

One day, may be one day I will get it and those fights with you will make perfect sense, or no sense at all. So thank you God for the morsel of inspiration and cull of wisdom in the meantime.

Thank you for your infinite healing potential and 20/20 hindsight insight as a result of feeling my feelings –uncensored. This much is well with my soul! Cheers!

Gliding through the storm

Another brimstone and fire battle with God prompted me to revisit that poem that I wrote over three years ago. I am compelled to consider that these heated arguments with God are not a one time get it right and move on thing. Over and over I seem to have the urge to corner God.

The idea of wanting to get God in the Boxing Ring is not in and of itself a sin or a case of being damn for life by God... I think that this is when my desire to want to have him as my lifetime guarantor increases and this may very well be his way of telling me I am okay and that he will never ever forsake me or leave me and my dreams at the mercy of death's sting. Conversely that is when I discover that I can really commune with God just as I am.

So here's to the many quiet storms and those lined up waiting their turn.

Plumbline Perfection

When visible communicates with the indivisible, wisdom understands intentions flawlessly with no need for point of reference education in comprehension, cultural context, grammar, diction, I.Q, diagnosis vocabulary, petty politeness, preen and proper prayers, bankable that is at the helm of the stock market.

The respect of integrity to manage self-discipline and the dignity of free will is all God requires. In God’s Universe traps of punishment and rewards do not exist. Boundaries serve as preservation of instinct and holy reverence of pure honesty- a.k.a. personal integrity and 100 % self-responsibility are always in effect. Channels of God are subject to change without the reminder of Jesus’ death or Adam and Eve personal experiences as a whip of wrath

Thank you God of the “come as you are” for accepting me as I am. I am working on accepting me as I am and accepting you as you are. Many steps were missed along the way after leaving the womb and I want to take responsibility for all the missed stages in my growth so I can fully function as me and let you do what you need to do.

I intend to communicate with you clearly and directly like you know I can

Raw War

There have been periods of life when situations presented opportunities when I experience episodes of severe impatience with the personal growth process. The angel of perseverance was graciously preserving my soul from the rage of pessimism stubbornly wanting to impede my optimistic determination to thrive while alive and sustain my happiness.

Turing the other cheek was taking its toll and the disease of indifference and the conformity syndrome did not give a damn about my choice to practise growing real-time. The rumbling of emotional eruptions was life indication that it is ready to show me how immeasurably well I endured and survived incarnation and how admirably I thrive during the metamorphosis. Creating personal ways to invent self-reliance and empowering tools to function optimally as a prodigy of paradise and a citizen of the cosmos fully authorize to manage my portion of God’s kingdom and God’s portion of my kingdom to keep me and endowed and God guaranteed with fruits of freedom to choose, to exist, to establish my own true worth and wealth, deciding to be self responsible and respectful of free will.

Though matter, what or how life generates, it does so with personal integrity and magnanimity, accepting what is as what is. With that message heralding from the angel of reassurance I continue to put apprehension in perspective and befriend angel of confrontation as my primary guardian of encouragement to make a choice, take a stand and grow and groan with resilience and courage in a style all my own. Archangel of persona power protects and preserves mindbodysoulspiritether with life endorsing conditions

What is normal?

The God of compassion continues to extracts poisoned portions of its love that was mixed with potions of conditions and punishment to receive its love; thereby redeeming pieces of authenticity necessary for reconstructing my wholeness. I for one did not care for the god of pity. I always just wanted the passion, thank you very much. Of course the compassion had its rightful place and I did not have to join the convent nor did I have to marry Jesus. Hooray.
Each scene of life event knows where to fit in and how the universe arranges their details to serve its purpose and account for my presence as a unique citizen of life

Interference with how I am innately wired induced damage to my brain’s ability to function as my direct communication channel with the universe just as creation personally designed me to function naturally. It survived and continues to express gratitude to its maker for accepting its as it is. This remarkable personal experience confirms its inherent heredity.

Wisdom of experience encouraged me to unsubscribe to human theory of functional development- the hurry-up syndrome to catch-up in the survival of the fittest race in a world of dog eat dog in a universe where dogs do not even mistreat their species.

Decades after swimming my way out of mother’s birth canal my cranium continues to make room to house my brain and shelter its cells as the body continues to remember its ability to function as my command center.

I willingly cooperate and allow the healer of neuropsychoimmune to cure the damage of toxic phenomena that almost fried my cells to a crisp by attempts to conform them to the human expectation of normal.

The developer that began establishing my foundation in the secret recesses of the universe knows its own timing since it also ids the perfect timer to know when what is ready; what is lifelong in the making and what is as good as it is.

Needless to say, when it comes to a class of distinction I am a happy unorthodox creature and that’s perfectly normal. Everything about me; very, very good just the way I need to accept it and, love me.

Agnostic or theistic existentialist… God knows!

Thank you God for knowing my very heart and for keeping your eye on me even when I question that this is so! Indeed there are days when all I do is beg for your reassurance that you really love me and will never leave me helpless and undesirable. This seems to be hard-wired idea I have of you in one of my brain cells and somehow is wearing away at my sanity and faith. Is there any way that you can remove this false belief about myself, and how I conjure you at times? It is especially intense when I cannot determine or differenciate God’s diciplines from the devil’s advocate. Frankly they seem to be one and the same! I ran out of ideas on how to pray for Wisdom! So how do I know, God, how do I know?

Somedays that is more challenging...enormously challenging. Stating my deep and utter state of confusion that results from trying to filter God through theological perspectives, religious dogmas and seeing and or understanding God through the eyes of christians and even pagans, defines me as disowning God. In God’s eye I know that is far from true yet I still feel this disconcerting desire to lash out at God for being so complex in its own simple way!

However, I freely choose to believe that there is a higher state of being, God, and despite my doubt about its description or purpose for my life and in my life, I have faith that God exists and that God is good and nothing I do can really severe our connection or make him withdraw love, blessings or divine intervention- Haphakh, if you will.

Experiencing God for myself is imperative and I am at a point where I dare set out my own terms on which I relate to and understand God; otherwise God will have to resurrect my dad’s body and send him at my home to prove a point to me just like Jesus’ nail pierced hands and side gave doubting Thomas the shock that melted his disbelief.

Suffice to say, I will choose to wrestle with God until I feel the peace that passes all understanding; instead of confining or worse, abandoning my belief and beat myself to a pulp for doing so!